Adoption

I heard a voice coming from the bathtub, MOM!!! MOM!!!! for the 100th time. Yes this is the word I LONGED to hear for so long, and I frustratingly said, Jessy can you stop screaming at me and just take a bath?? What do you need?? And I hear her little voice say, I am going to miss you when you go on your trip with daddy, and I love you! My heart literally melted, and I ran in there and told her I would miss her too. My mind went backwards to when we first picked her up at the airport and I couldn't even get her to smile. To when I would just cry and cry because as hard as I would try, I could not get this little girl to connect with me. She had more walls up than any 1 year old (at that time) I had ever met, and all of my efforts seemed to be in vain with this little girl because she was so angry. And she had every right to be that way. She had been moved around a lot from foster home to foster home, and to be that little and to have experienced that much pain and broken attachments was too much for her little brain to understand, and she couldn't process it all. Over the past year, I have seen this little girl blossom into this amazing 3 year old, that has captured my heart in a place I never knew she could get to. I see her be so affectionate, kissing my hand, constant I love yous, BIG hugs and tons of smiles and laughs. She even has a favorite stuffed animal now which has gone with us everywhere, and even this small thing is such an answer to prayer. For a little girl to have been through all this, and to pick a "favorite" toy and get attached to it, is a huge deal! This is what I prayed for, in her little life. For her to be less angry, for her to attach to me as well as Tim, for her to know she's loved and to know I will always be her Mom. Of course she is 3 and cannot say that she is feeling all of this, but I have seen it in her whole change of personality. I have recently been attending bible study fellowship with my sisters, and it has been amazing. We have talked a lot about Moses, who was also adopted :). Not only was he adopted by Pharaohs daughter, he was adopted by God. Today our speaker said, when God adopts us he gives us all of Himself and he accepts all of who we are. As I was thinking on this I realized that it is so true. When I adopted my kids, I made the choice to give them all of me, all of my love and affection, my unconditional support and care, to know me better than most of the world does, and I have accepted everything about them. We may be working to change a few things, but I took them in just as they were, broken, hurt and confused, and have helped them to process their feelings and fears and to know a new and better life. I think most of my life I have struggled to know who God is, and I have longed to know Him more. Although no one will ever fully know Him, I have come to know who He is more in the past few weeks than I ever have before. Adoption is a perfect picture of who He is. He takes us as we are, when we hurt-he hurts, when we go through pain-he is in pain with us. My sister said a few weeks ago in class, God is a God of emotions, He experience feelings. That stuck out to me because its so true. He chooses to give Himself to us, and accepts us just as we are, imperfect, and helps us process our hurts and fears and shows us life through his eyes to change our perspective. I once had a lady ask me a while ago that now that I have adopted, do I sense a clearer picture of who God is. I kind of looked at her weird and said ummm no, right now we are pretty much trying to survive each day! When we first got our kids, it was not easy! It was some of the hardest and super emotional times in my life. I wouldn't say parenting is all of the sudden easy now, but it has changed so much and is very different now, in such a good way. But now that we are in a better place with our little ones, and I think back on that question, I get it. I see it. I see what God has done for me more clearly by adopting me. I am so thankful that He has given me this opportunity to rescue 3 little ones, with his help, and is allowing me to get a clearer sense of who He is and what He has done for me.

First Chance

As I reflect on what I named my blog, "first chance" I just think of all of the ways that title has been used in our lives. Our story is one of ups and downs, highs and lows, as everyone's is. I try to be honest so I don't present us as this perfect family who has it all together, because the truth is no matter what anyone "shows" for the world to see, whether its on facebook, appearance, a smile that may be hiding a lot,  everyone has their own battles to face. As I look back on ours, I see both joy and pain, times of faith and times of complete emptiness, times of anger and rage, and times of peace. I remember the brokenness and the hopelessness, and at times still feel it. The thoughts of wonder as to what God was doing, and trying to trust Him in times that I had no idea who He even was or if He even existed. I faced dreams that went unfulfilled and I felt my dreams change as God prepared my heart for new directions. Times where I felt completely unsafe, where I was on a huge cliff and the only way off was to jump. I have seen my marriage at times sink, but I have also seen it endure more than I ever thought that it could. I have seen our hearts grow, as we explored areas that we never wanted to explore. I have seen that brokenness really does cause your faith to grow in ways that happiness could never allow it to grow. I have had to trust with my whole heart, because the road ahead of me was so dark and scary that I had no other choice but to trust the one who created it and could see far beyond what I could. I have been shown awful sides of myself, and I have had to push myself to change and grow. We have jumped in with both feet and complete faith, and we have put up walls to completely keep God out. I have questioned and I have tested and I have doubted. I have taken advantage of what God has given me, and I have ruined some of what He has given me. I have taken the road He wanted me to take, and I have cared less about where He wanted me to go. Yet, He remained faithful to me. As I look back on the many moments of my life, the one things that stayed constant was Him. Even when I didn't feel him around, even when I didn't want him around. When I screamed at Him in anger, or cried to Him with more tears then I even knew I could cry. When I  didn't trust Him, He still remained faithful. Even when he gave me one of my greatest blessings, my heart remained angry at Him, and He still remained faithful. He has given Tim and I more than I could imagine, more than I could ever need. I pray for a soft, satisfied and loving heart. And I pray that I can reflect even a small amount of who God is to my husband and to my kids. That they will know that no matter what happens in their life, I will be faithful. God has once again brought us to a new season in our life. We recently found ourselves, our marriage, and our parenting really struggling. We quickly got ourselves into counseling, but we started seeking some help from a nearby church that we have both been to before and loved, but thought I was too large for us to actually get involved in. We went the first week with no intention of actually attending, but just trying to seek some help because we were lost. I know we make it seem like taking on three kids has been super easy, but it hasn't. Its been such a challenge to keep our marriage on track, to help them exactly where they need it, and to not get too overwhelmed with it all. Sandals Church has met us right where we are at, with couples who have adopted and have lovingly been accepting of us, to offering classes, and setting us up with a couple to meet with a few times a month. Our lives have been changing in the past two months in ways that we haven't seen in a long time. I cannot wait to dive in and get more connected and to see our kids thrive there. One thing is certain, God always brings us just the right people, at just the right times.

Being a Mom is Tough

Lets get real here. This is one thing I SWORE I would not do when I was finally able to have children: to write about how HARD it is to be a mom. I was convinced that once God gave them to me, I would enjoy every moment, even when they were hard because I knew all of the tears I had shed waiting for them. When God went overboard and gave me three at one time, I was ecstatic. I knew I could handle it and handle it well because, after all, God GAVE them to me. He trusted ME with them.
Being a mom is no joke. My sister sent me this online Bible study and right when I read the title of the book they were going through, I knew I wanted to join it with her. The book is called, Am I messing Up my Kids? I joined because I wanted the truth about what others deal with when it comes to being a mom. Its so easy to get caught up in the facebook posts of everyone's kids smiling and happy, and I myself am totally guilty of posting the most precious moments. The truth is, being a mom has a lot more moments that are not precious, they are not easy, and they are more challenging than I can seem to describe on this blog. The study challenged us all to write a blog post on why being a mom is tough, and I'm glad I get to participate
Today is a great example! We went to the park this morning, which was really fun. Then we get kicked out of the park area because TJ rang the doorbell to the "museum house" like 20 times and the lady was not very happy. Of course I post all of the cute pictures, but leave out the getting kicked out part. Then we get home, and I'm ready to get these kids fed and in bed so I can work on designing some flyers (I work from home a few days a week.) I go to turn my computer on, and my monitor is completely dead. I load up the kids back into the car (traveling and shopping with three kids is not a fast thing to do---ever) and off we go to get a monitor. We get home and I feed them and put them in bed, and about 20 minutes later I hear some noises coming from the room. Uh huh. I quietly sneak down the hallway to find out who is the culprit, and I hear TJ and Shan screaming and laughing and throwing toys at each other. I frustratingly yell at them to get back in their beds (yes, yell) and get to sleep (Shan had already been whining the past hour because she was SOOO tired---uh huh). I go back in the living room to sit down and get some work done, and no sooner do I know it, I hear them again! This time they were so loud they woke up their little sister, who needs a nap more than any of them. Jess comes out crying and crying, TJ and Shan are crying because they knew I'm upset that they just woke up Jessy. Toby walks up to Jessy and licks her, and you would have thought the dog just bit her arm off with the way she starting crying hysterically (which means she didn't sleep near enough). And at this moment, I long for my little facebook pictures that show sweet littles smiles hiding all of the craziness that goes on in this little house. Then later I start making some dinner, and I hear some screaming going on outside, and Shan opens the door and screams, MOM JESSY POOPED IN HER BATHING SUIT. Jessy is crying and upset, I go out there to hose her down (yep you read me right) and TJ starts screaming at me that he saw a spider and I needed to kill it right now! I lose it. Do you NOT see that I'm taking care of poop right now?????? (Yes funny now, but not in the moment.) He goes inside crying because I raised my voice and he's sensitive and Jessy is screaming because she has poop all over her. I finally get her clean, and I go inside to find my spaghetti sauce has popped all over the kitchen walls and the stove because I hadn't been in there to stir it.  The feelings of frustration that can rise up inside us moms is hard. Especially with three little ones. And this is just one day!
Your kids show you where you struggle, they start acting out your struggles and failures. If you struggle with anger (which is my huge struggle), you will start to see it coming out in them. I am learning that I need to lean harder on God, because He is the only one who can sustain me through these moments. As my kids are being normal kids, and even the parts of them that are dealing with things that "normal" kids don't have to deal with because of all of their past trauma, I am the one who is with them to teach them and help guide them through life. In these day to day moments when I yell or get frustrated at them, its so easy for Satan to get into my thoughts and get me thinking that I am messing up my kids, that I am not a good mom, that they deserve more and that I will never be what they need. He tries to get me to forget God's mercy, and when I am willing to listen, God reminds me that He did not call me to be a perfect mom, but to be an imperfect one that can show them His grace. When I mess up, I can apologize and show them the side of me that needs forgiveness and that needs God. I am not a perfect mom by any means, I struggle and I don't understand. I get overwhelmed and at times feel really lost in this huge thing called motherhood. Through this Bible study, I am glad that I am seeing I don't have to be perfect, and that other moms struggle just as I do!

You can view the Bible Study Blog by clicking on the picture below if you want to join :)

Glimpse

I love when God gives me a glimpse of things through His eyes. Sometimes life can be so full of chaos, and things to get done, and time being given out in a ton of different directions, and you lose sight of what God has for you. This is one reason that I LOVE to take pictures, it allows me to slow down and to see moments, to really see them down to the smallest detail. At times, in the midst of motherhood, dealing with constant arguing and discipline, it is so easy to lose sight of how precious these little ones are. To see how their little eyes light up when I just put everything down and focus only on them. To see how much they yearn to be known, to be loved fully to the smallest detail of who they are, to be encouraged and to know that I, their mommy, notice how good they are at doing the smallest things. Being a mommy is such a huge job, to know you are shaping a small child and that their experiences with you will be how they experience the world. I have relied on myself for so long to meet their needs, and I was so lost in it all. Lately, we have been going through a huge learning journey in the Mantzey household. We are actually seeking God in things, and learning to trust Him. I have prayed more for my sweet kids in the last few weeks then I ever have, and I love that God is giving me the strength I need to shape and care for them as He would want them to be cared for.  This is the greatest task God has ever entrusted Tim and I with, loving kids who come from backgrounds that already shaped them in ways that we have to help them work through. It is so hard at times, but there are the sweetest moments along the journey that make my heart melt. I SEE them growing and changing. I see them taking the small steps to really trust us. This morning Jessy climbed on my lap and said, mommy I hear your heart, it says, "I love Jessy." I tell her this all the time, but its the first time she's ever said it to me first. Our sweet 3 year old has the hardest time out of all 3 of the kids allowing us into her heart, so moments like these are so amazing. There are occasionally still the questions, are you still my mom? Will I still be living here? Will you leave me? Was I in your belly when I was a baby? But these questions are happening a lot less often as we are slowly starting to see them gain more confidence in who they are and security in our love for them. I cannot imagine being so small and wondering if this home will last forever, I am so lucky that I was born into security, love and stability. I love to see their sweet personalities just coming out. They are all so funny, and their laughter is contagious. I am so in love with them from their sweet curls, to their big blue eyes, their amazing spirits and their openness to trust us.

Challenge

What a year it has been so far! I truly want and long to be as honest and real as I can so that God can use our journey, our circumstances, and our trials and they are not wasted. This year has been pretty hard so far, physically, emotionally and as a family.

Physically, I had been getting some really bad stomach pains, and my sweet husband made me go to the doctor. (Thanks Tim). After some testing at the doctor they found two cysts on my ovary that are not "normal" looking, and then discovered a lump during a routine physical at the same appointment. I was freaking out. I came home crying and scared, and faced the next few days with the urgency to have them over so I could find out what was going on. I met with the surgeon which calmed our minds about the lump, but did find out I needed surgery for the cysts (which will be happening in a few days). Combine that with the random vertigo that I had for over a month,  passing out for the first time ever a few weeks ago, breaking my toe recently, and it has been a scary few months! I had an EKG to make sure everything was ok with my heart since I passed out, and it all came back clear, thank God.

Besides the physical challenges I have been facing so far this year, we have also been seeking some help to keep our new family of 5 headed in the right direction. As TJ has started school, he has faced some challenges, and our sweet (at least she is sweet sometimes haha) little 3 year old has needed some help with developing healthy attachments and working through some anger and frustration that she has. Parenting is such hard work, and parenting three children who have been through trauma, abuse, new homes, new families, and broken trust has definitely proven to have its difficulties. Trying to meet their many needs, as well as keep things healthy in our marriage is quite the task. Trying to gain the trust of kids who have had their trust broken so many times has been challenging, and they already ask a lot of questions about whose belly they were in, where they come from, etc. I am grateful that God chose us to help heal these sweet kids, but overwhelmed at the same time. We have also had challenges hit our marriage from many different directions, and we are in the process of trying to heal and overcome while finding the support and help that we need to do things, and to heal in the right way.

Over the past two weeks, God has shown me something that I have been ignoring for a while. He is breaking me so that I rely on Him. God has shown me how much anger I have towards Him after facing infertility, how much anger I have towards "the church." Not a specific church, just church in general. How WRONG my view is of Him. How much I try to do on my own. How often I claim to be a "Christian" but that is all it is, an appearance based claim. How I never go to Him, how I lack trust in Him, and how I am so overwhelmed because I face every situation without Him, and without seeking His direction. I don't have his peace because I don't allow Him to give it to me. We may have "standards" we live by, but we don't live by them because of our love for Him, its because of the appearance of being Christian and what we are "supposed" to do. We have recently been seeking help through Sandals Church, which has been amazing for us. We are learning to be "real" with where we are at, our deepest struggles. God has allowed situations in my life to happen that have caused my heart to break and its hard to trust Him to be the one to heal my heart. To admit that I cannot do this on my own, even though I have tried. Obviously this blog has been a place for me to share our journey, to be real and so many people have followed it and been there for us through it. I can tell that the next step for Tim and I is going to be the most important step. I thought having kids would be the most important step, but God has used our sweet kids to show me even more how I cannot do this journey without Him.

I cannot say I'm much farther along than this at the moment, I havent just gained trust for Him overnight, and the anger that I feel towards church/God is not just gone. But as I said, its a journey, and there are certain things God is doing in our lives and certain people He recently brought into our lives that are challenging me and my views. That are praying for us because we were real and honest and open with them. That know exactly where we are at, and are committed to help us. Seeing God's grace through this, even as I type it out, is softening my heart little by little to Him.

National Adoption Month

This month is national adoption month, which of course I FULLY support! Even as I am writing this I have my three little ones right by me all needing my attention lol. I definitely cannot say that adoption has been the easiest road, or even the easiest adjustment, but it has been totally and completely worth it.
The first few days after our kids landed at the airport, we were on cloud 9! But reality soon hit. Especially with kids who are older, and ours aren't even that old, they come with a lot of history and memories and attachment issues. One of the hardest parts of having three kids placed with us, was that I didn't feel like they were mine. I was having the hardest time bonding with them because I had this ideal in my head and the situation wasn't matching up to that ideal. Of course one thing I was dealing with not being able to have biological children, because when three kids are placed with you and you don't feel that automatic attachment that is the first thing you grieve. But I was also not prepared for the constant talk about "other moms" and how much that would effect me in not feeling like these kids were really mine.
I remember crying a lot, and crying to God, how could you give me kids and not allow that motherly bond to happen immediately. You already took away one of my dreams and now you are not allowing me to have this one either??? I feel like I'm babysitting kids that don't belong to me, but belong to other parents and they will never view me as their mom. (I get that this is a little extreme but in the moment this is truly how I felt). And then I felt God tell me in my heart, these kids are not other parents kids, they are HIS. At that moment my heart softened. God was right, they are HIS kids and HE made them for us. And the bonding started happening. God wasn't the one holding back the bonding with my sweet kids, it was me. And there are sooo many more of HIS kids out there waiting for parents.
I ADORE these sweet kids. I have never felt so in love with kids before, and pretty much think they are the most amazing people in the world. They are so funny, and so sweet and sincere. They are grateful. Probably because they know what its like to have the opposite of what we have now. They are friendly and social. They are all so unique and fun. I cant imagine life without them. I am their mom.
And of course, as I am writing about national adoption month, I just got a call saying they are signing off on our consent to adopt and sending it in, so we will finalize really soon!! God is good!!! Adoption is amazing!! My life, Tim's life, and especially their 3 lives have been forever changed!

TJ Day

In my post today, I want to brag on TJ. He is such a sweet boy, not only is he sweet but he has the softest heart and is so loving. He has made the transition to motherhood so much easier on me with his loving words, his gratefulness, and his comedy. Did I mention he is super funny? The boy keeps me laughing all the time. Here are some TJ moments I never want to forget:

-Before he goes to sleep at night, we likes us to listen to his heart and he loves to listen to ours.
-He is ALWAYS telling me that he LOVES my heart.
-The other day we were talking, and he told me that it snowed at his old house and he had squirrels. I said yes, but now you live here in California and we don't have a lot of squirrels and we have to go to the mountains to see snow. He says yes, I like California the best. I say, how come? He replies, because I have you here!
-My ABSOLUTE favorite moment with TJ was when I was putting him to bed one night, and he was telling me about some things that have happened to him when he was younger, and it was very sad. I told him how sorry I am that those things happened to him, and I wish I could have been there to stop them, but they will not happen anymore now that he is with us and he is safe. He looked up at me and said, mom, can I keep you forever?? That was the moment my heart totally fell for this little boy. I said yes, forever and ever and ever.
-When he was playing basketball, he got hit in the head with the ball and since then, he has been covering his head after he shoots. He says, mom, Im" duckeling" from the ball because I don't want to get hit in the head haha. We have been working with him on not hiding from the ball and he finally did it. He said, mom dad will me so proud of me that I didn't duckel!!!
-He has to hug everyone and he talks to anyone about pretty much everything, he is sooo social and friendly and people are drawn to him.
-He mixes up his words and phrases when he talks which I LOVE. He used to always say, are you lying at me?? He also used to always say, I promise about everything. He would tell me, mom, can you help me with this?? If I couldn't at the moment he would tell me, but I promise!!! Not sure what he was promising, but he sure said it! lol.
-He LOVES to cuddle with me, and he hates when anyone kisses him except for me. I LOVE that!
-When I take him to school, he tells me I am not allowed to go anywhere or do anything until after I pick him up so he doesn't miss out lol.
-He is always the first to say thank you, and he says it for everything! Thank you for making my dinner, thank you for cuddling with me, thank you for playing with me.
-When we went to the hospital to see my sister after she had Jude, he went right over to her and said, how is your tummy feeling Kim Kim?? Did you cry when the doctor took the baby out??? She said yes and he rubbed her leg! He is just so sweet and loves to make sure everyone is ok!
-He tells me all the time that he prayed for me when he was at his foster moms house and he cried for me. I know he met me once since we flew out there to meet him, so maybe he is talking about after he met me. I remember being in Kansas when we were leaving them to go home, and he asked me if he could go home with me and it hurt like crazy to have to leave him. He got attached to me quickly, so I'm sure it was hard on him too. I'm sure it was just God's way of preparing us for each other!

TJ has not had an easy life, and I know that he has not received a lot of love and attention, and I am SOO thankful that I get to be the one to change that for him, to gain his trust, and to show him unconditional motherly love. He is such a blessing in my life, and he is more than I could have ever imaged in a son. I cant believe he is going to be 6 in a couple weeks. My mom reminded me that last year at this time, I was working on getting the kids here, and I was hoping he would be here by his birthday. It didn't happen, but this year we get to celebrate with him! God is going to do great things with this sweet boy!

Dancing in the rain!

Basketball!

LOVES the Swings!!!