Pure Joy

Have you ever felt the peace of God? All of my life I have wanted to feel it, but it wasn't until I came to the end of myself that I finally did. I posted that this morning on facebook, "when we come to the end of ourselves, we come to the beginning of God"-Greg Laurie. And it is sooo true. I started struggling recently with God, and I found myself thinking, God could fix our infertility in a second. He knows how bad I am hurting, yet he lets this continue on. I know if my own father could fix this he totally would, and God, who is supposed to love me more then my own dad, and who CAN fix this, isn't. I don't know how many people have experienced their purpose in life, but I have always felt since I was young, that my purpose was to be a mother. As years and months keep going by, I recently started begging God, if you aren't going to let me have a child right now, PLEASE give me a different purpose because I am so tired of being empty inside. Of feeling like I am doing nothing. Recently, He really started to use me, and I am finally feeling His love again, and coming to peace with where we are right now. It is still hard knowing that God is choosing to not fix our infertility and may never choose to do so, but I am finding peace in knowing that He has a plan for me and Tim. I read these verses that totally apply to us, James 1:2-8,
Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who "worry their prayers" are like wind-whipped waves. Don't think you're going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open. Although I cannot have children right now, I have something that I am truly lucky to have. I have a faith with my father that has been tested. Its been emotional, and hard, and honest, and loving, and so many more things that I cannot even explain. It has become real. And I am learning to ask God for things boldly. This is something that I did not do last time. I asked God to give us a child, but I doubted the whole time that He could do it. This time, I am asking boldy. That doesn't mean He will give us a child, but I know he can. He is able to do all things. It means I have come to trust my father, and I have come to love Him with a deep love. This is something I have asked for, for so long. I can only wish and hope and pray that others can experience God in the way that He wants for them because it changes who you are, even in the midst of turmoil. James 1: 12 says anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. Although its hard, and its hard to look at pregnant people, or babies, or at times families, I know that I am fortunate because I have something that I would not have gotten otherwise, and one day this circumstance will be over, but I will never let go of or lose what I have gained.