I really am conflicted about which blog to keep up! I love the other one, because it has our story from the very beginning, before we did our first treatment, to getting a call on the kids, to actually getting them. But this site will help me connect better with others who have been where we are. I think I have officially decided to switch over to this one, but I am sad to do it! Anyways, onto the real stuff...

So the past few weeks have been some of the hardest on me since God has blessed me with three kids. I have been very emotional, and tired, and drained. My son asked me about two weeks ago if he was in my belly when he was a baby. It was the HARDEST thing to have to tell him no, you weren't, which led to a series of questions and emotions on his part. I completely understand that this sweet boy has been moved around so much, and is so confused by everything that has happened in his short life, and is going to experience a range of emotions in processing this. He cried and cried and cried, telling me he wanted his mommy, some of the hardest words I have had to hear. There is nothing like holding your son who is crying because he wants his "first mom." My heart started breaking. I know how insecure my son is, how scared he is of having to leave our home and go somewhere else, not understanding of why he has been moved around so much, wondering if his first mom loved him, but his insecurities started to bring out mine. From before we got the kids, I wondered, will he feel like I am really his mom? Can I love him as if he were my own child? What if he wants her more than he wants me? Its amazing how emotion can allow your mind to wander in such bad directions. But here we are, facing the reality of our situation - he does have a birth mom, he will want to know about her, he will feel abandoned by her, and I will feel my heart dropping to the floor when he asks about her. I really thought I would be fine when he asked, I didn't expect it to be so soon, but I have thought about this exact situation and how I would handle it, and in my head it went perfectly. I could use some prayer as I am trying to process this. As my heart hurts, it is taking my brain on a roller coaster ride with thoughts and feelings that are not true, but feel very real. As I try not to let my feelings and emotions impact my role as a wife and a mom. I know this is not TJ's fault, and he by no means deserves a lesser mom, he needs a mom who will step up and help and allow him to sort out his feelings, and that is exactly what I am trying to be. To not put my insecurities and feelings on him, because they are mine to deal with and not his, and he should not have to feel bad or guilty for asking questions about the truth of his life. I know what I need to be, and am trying to be, I just need my feelings and my heart to step up and get to where the truth is. If that makes any sense at all.

On a more positive update, the kids have been doing very well, despite the last paragraph. Jessy is talking and talking, and the more she talks the more I fall in love with her. She is such a joy, and when I look at her I just can't believe God choose me to be her mom. Shannon is doing great as well, she is learning so much and as TJ comes home from school, she wants to learn everything he did. With TJ starting school recently, it gives me a chance to spend more time with just the girls. It amazes me how young they start using their imagination, and the things that they can come up with. TJ has started basketball, which he is really enjoying. I cant wait to see his first game! They are all growing like crazy and changing everyday. I cant believe its almost been a year since we got them!

                                                         
                                                            TJ's first basketball practice

                                                              LOVE his smile and eyes!

Jessy is looking so big! 

                                              Swinging her baby around. Its amazing how young girls
                                                       have the desire to be a mommy one day.

Discovering cute girly clothes, they LOVE to be dressed up!

My girls loving on each other!

Feeling thoughtful

I am in a thoughtful mood today. There are definitely days in life where you sit and think about all God has done and you sit in awe of his miracles. Of course life is hard, and there are also times when you search everywhere and you just can't see God working at all, but the truth is He is, He always is. Being a mom is hard work, its exhausting, it requires a lot of coffee, and most of the time you feel like you are giving so much and receiving so little. But at the same time, it is such a blessing and such a gift. To be able to transform and imprint lives everyday. To be the #1 person in someone's life and to know your opinion and affection matters so significantly. There are times when I think I am doing such an awful job, and then times i feel like the most successful person in the world. God has given me the best and greatest gift and I am so thankful. If you would have asked me what my greatest wish was a year ago, it would have been to get pregnant and have a baby. But if you were to ask me now, I wish that I could go back in time and have had these three beautiful children from the moment they entered this world. To take away their fears of abandonment and to replace it with the understanding of unconditional love. Love that will never send them away, love that would never place them in a new home making them feel like they aren't good enough. To know that such young minds have such big fears breaks my heart. For my daughter to get a new bunk bed and ask my everyday if she gets to keep it. For my son to ask if he has to get a new mom when he gets a little bigger, to have the kids rush to tell me how much they love me after they get in trouble because they are scared. I now have something new I get to trust God with, and that is mending their little hearts and showing them that His love is pure and unconditional, and because of that I can love them unconditionally as well. I know that every hug and every kiss is another step in the direction of them learning that I am not going away. That they are safe and they will not have to move to a new home with a new mom and family ever again. I pray that my approval is always easy for them to get, that they never feel they have to be perfect or do things correctly to win my love and get my acceptance, that it is just already there. I pray that I can show them God's love in a way that they don't feel like that have to search the world for acceptance, but know that they are accepted within our home no matter what. God has done such a huge miracle in our lives, and I am so blessed and thankful that he chose this plan for Tim and I. I wouldn't change it for anything.

Life as We Know It

                          Life has definitely changed in the Mantzey household! I was reading over the last entry that I wrote, and it was when we went to kansas to meet the kids for the first time. Here we are 7 months later, with a whole new world in front of us! Its amazing how kids can just show you life from a new perspective. Everything is so new and so exciting and special to them, and it makes you realize how precious life truly is. There are obviously really good times, and really hard ones as well. We are bonding so well as a family, it really is crazy to think that 8 months ago, we didn't even know these kids. I feel like I have had them forever. Their little personalities are just shining through as they are getting very comfortable with us. It amazes me how much they act like us already, I can see me in each of them. God really designed them for us. I would say some of the hardest parts is learning how to handle 3 kids. Handling fights, dealing with stubbornness (Jessy is very stubborn), learning to stay consistent, learning their likes and dislikes and what makes them each feel loved. Hearing constantly about their "other foster mom" was really hard on me for a while, but that is finally calming down some. Teaching them to be more independent has been one of our main focuses. When they first got here they needed everything done for them, and would hardly do anything on their own. With Tim working long days, it was so exhausting to try to keep up with all of their needs, so I started making them do some things on their own, and they actually really enjoyed it. Shannon gets so excited when she does something new for the first time and yells out, "its because im a big sister!" We have also focused a lot on being nice to each other and forming bonds with each other. Things were getting really good between the three of them, and then Jessy hit a new stage! She really enjoys picking on the older two, pulling hair, taking their things, knocking their stuff over, and just being mean. As i mentioned earlier, Jess is a stubborn little girl, so trying to figure out ways to discipline her has been interesting. Thankfully I have a lot of great mothers I know that I have been able to get advice from and we are slowly working through it. I would say another hard part is the constant noise. Its sooo different going from the two of us, to three kids who all have so many different emotions and moods and talk all the time haha. We are learning how to be parents, and to put our marriage as a priority as well. At first it was so hard because the kids required so much from us we could hardly focus on "us." Now that we are getting a lot of their behaviors a little more in control, we are trying to figure out how to get things going smoothly with us again. And of course there is our relationships with God. For a long time, I was actually feeling really angry at Him to be honest. When we decided to take these kids, one of the other choices we had was to adopt a baby. We had met with the birthmom and she really wanted us to do it, but I just felt like three new kids and a new baby would be way to much for me and I didnt want to give less to the kids then they deserved because I was stressed. But my heart hardened towards God for making me choose, it was the one choice I didn't want to have to make, and I felt so angry at Him. It was the hardest thing in the world to have to call up this birthmom and tell her no, we couldnt do it. It broke my heart into a thousand pieces, and she is on my mind a lot. The baby was born a few months ago, and she decided to keep him and I pray that they are doing well. My relationship with God is finally getting back on track, sometimes you just have to let it all out and know that God can handle it. We are also now going back to our previous church, Imagine Church, and even though it has only been a few weeks the love of the people there for us, as well as the kids, is already softening my heart as it did the last time we went there. They just show God's love so well and embrace our family in a way I have never felt before. Continue to pray for us as we adjust to life with three kids, as we show them God's love and the love of parents who adore them. Life is so joyful again, and everyone who sees me tells me how happy I look and how much joy is in my eyes, and I LOVE it!! ,, but

 

I wanted to start a new blog page, since we are now on a new journey and this one seems a lot easier to get to and follow. God is so amazing. After our 3 1/2 year journey on the infertility road, he has blessed us with the three most amazing kids ever. I don't want to paint a picture as if its all been really easy, because it hasn't. But overall, as I look at these beautiful kids, I cannot believe that God has given them to us, and it still is hard to even believe they are OURS! TJ is such a blessing to me personally. I LOVE having a boy, and he LOVES having a mom. I can pretty much count on every hour hearing, I love you  mom and I need to give you a kiss. He has such a sweet heart and he is so funny. We were driving to his grandparents house and he saw a truck pulling a boat. He says, Mom why is that boat on the road? I said the truck is probably pulling it to the lake. He replies, Mom are you lying at me??? I laugh and say no I'm not lying TJ. He said I don't see a lake, you are lying at me, now I have my eyes closed and my arms folded hahaha. He has such a personality and phrases things in the funniest way. Shannon is a beautiful little girl, and she loves to laugh and play. She can be sweet, but she is a feisty little girl as well. She doesn't seem to cling to me or Tim more, she is pretty even. She loves to brush my hair, and loves to be tickled and get lots of attention. When we meet people, she is usually the one that attracts their attention right away and loves it. She LOVES to dance and has the cutest expressions. She is also a little stubborn, which secretly I really like in kids. I'm always drawn to the ones that challenge me some. And of course, there is Jessy, or Jessy girl as her auntie Kim Kim calls her. Now Jessy is a personality all on her own. She is a STUBBORN little girl, and she knows what she wants and isn't afraid to let us know exactly what that is. If she tries to do something and cannot do it, she gets super frustrated and ends up screaming until we help her. She doesn't usually laugh and things the other kids laugh at, but when she is laughing you cant help but laugh too because she is so funny. If I tell her not to do something, she will look right at me and do it and smile the whole way through because she knows she is pushing my button. She LOVES her grandma, and if grandma is around she gets sooo excited. She also adores her daddy, and when he gets home from work she runs and plays and laughs so much and I love watching them love each other.

Going from 0 to 3 kids has been crazy! Our whole lives have changed, and we are still adjusting to exactly what that means. We have dealt with crazy fits from the kids, kicking, screaming, kicking walls, spitting, lots of fun things. It has not been this magical transition, its been hard and we have had to work super hard. There have been lots of tears and lots of hugs. We have had to do a lot of time outs and teaching the kids what is ok and what isn't and they have not enjoyed that part very much haha. I am amazed how far they have come in the short time they have been here. They have calmed down so much, and we haven't had a crazy fit in over two weeks, its been so amazing.  I cannot say that I felt right away like they were mine, its been an emotional journey at times, and I am still realizing that God made them just for me! They are so much like us, and I cannot imagine us creating any better kids for our personalities than these ones. We just adore them! I really want to keep this blog updated for my own sake, I want to remember this journey and look back and read it in years to come. God has created an amazing story for Tim and I, and I am so glad He did!

Kansas

I was looking back on all of the entries that I have written, and my first one that I posted was in March of 2011 on this site. What a journey! I am amazed as I read back through the entries at what God had us walk through to get to this point. They were the hardest times of my life as I struggled to follow God on a road that I did not understand and did not want to be on, but that He had planned for me and Tim way before we were even born. This last weekend brought so much joy to my heart. And now I get to share it with you! So heres the journey of the last weekend!



When arrived in Kansas around 12, and we were going to see the kids until 4. Tim and I were both exhausted after taking a red eye flight that landed at 3 a.m. our time but it was 6 a.m. minnesota time. There we had a three hour layover before we got on our plane to Kansas. I slept about 4 hours altogether and Tim had slept about 1 hour, but when we got to Kansas we were so excited we couldn't sleep. So finally the moment arrived when we got to meet the kids! Their foster mom told me that Shannon was a little scared and in my heart I was so worried the kids wouldn't want to go with us for the weekend, and I was trying to trust God to make their hearts ready for us. Their social worker took us into their play room area, and we waited for them to get there with our hearts racing. Then, I could hear their little voices walking towards our room. I was sooo excited and nervous and I wanted to jump out of my seat and hug them but thought that probably wasnt the best idea. TJ and Shannon ran right up to us and they had made a special book of pictures of them from the past year and were so excited to show it to us. Before we knew it we were all on the ground playing and throwing them up in the air, and even little Jessie started warming up to us and wanting us to throw her around too. There was lots of giggles and laughter and it was amazing! The kids loved the gifts I made for them, and all weekend took their blankets with them everywhere we went. TJ was ready to go with us right away, wanting us to take him to Burger King and making it clear he was ready to leave now haha. So we loaded them up and off we went! We found our way to Burger King and went out to the play area, and to be honest, it was crazy! We had not gotten any napkins, and the kids apparently hate to be dirty. They were spilling things and getting things on them and freaking out and Tim was running back and forth to get more and more napkins. Its funny now though. We went back to the motel room and played and the kids went to bed. On Saturday we woke up, ate some breakfast at the motel (grabbed plenty of napkins this time), and we got to facetime with my parents. The kids loved them! We headed to the zoo and it was so amazing! Shannon started calling us mommy and daddy right away which felt so nice to hear. Her and Jessyca loved us, but they especially loved Tim! When we were in the car Shannon would say, "daddy will you hold my hand?" which he did everytime while he was driving. Jessyca loved Tim to hold her and cuddle her and it was so sweet to watch. TJ on the other hand loved me! He was always wanting me to hug him and play with him and hold his hand. It was so special! He would watch me get ready in the morning and we would hug in between my morning tasks lol. At one point at the zoo, TJ had to sit down for a little bit and was SCREAMING and Jessie was exhausted and was SCREAMING and it was CRAZY! We held strong though and worked through it. On Sunday, we were planning on going to the space center, but everything was closed and it was freezing in Kansas. So we went back to the motel and hung out pretty much all day. It was hard having 3 kid locked up inside with no naps and nowhere to go. We came up with some fun ideas to entertain them, a dance party, throwing bouncy balls around the hallway, things like that. But the time we had together was so special throughout the craziness. We had a lot of laughter, hugging, smiles, and giggling and also screaming, crying, time outs, and kids arguing. Talk about being thrown into parenting right away haha. Monday was our last day, and Jessie had to leave early because she had a drs appointment. We were getting her ready when the fire alarm at the motel started going off, and all of the sudden we had a bunch of motel staff in our room helping grab the kids and their jackets and blankets and shoes and getting us all out of the motel. Their was a fire in the laundry room. So we sat in the car waiting to go back into the motel, and the foster mom came and got Jess. Jess was crying because she didn't want to leave us and she was in the foster mom's car with her hands out to me screaming. It was so hard :(. We took the older two kids to a different zoo and walked around some and played at the park, then had lunch before we had to take them back. TJ kept asking me if he could go on the plane with me, because he wanted to live with me and see me everyday. It was so hard to leave them. Shannon also asked if she could come with us. I sure hope things move quickly because I want them here now. As Tim and I were driving back to the airport, we all of the sudden were missing all of the constant fighting between the kids in the backseat. We miss them so much, we cannot wait til they are here and they get to meet everyone! Their foster mom said we can talk to them on the phone until the happens, which is great! Thank you all for your many prayers and support! I am so thankful for the many text messages and all of the love that we received while out there and even now! It been such a journey and it has been so amazing having so many people share it with us!!

 

A Dream Come True

First of all, I seriously can't believe I FINALLY get to post about adopting children!! All of my posts have been about trying to get pregnant and wanting kids, and I have always dreamed of the day when I could post about ACTUAL children that are going to be welcomed into our home! God works in mysterious ways for sure. "My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the LORD. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine." Isaiah 55:8. I believe Tim and I are living proof of the truth in this verse. All of this time that we have been trying to get pregnant, along with all of the shots, the treatments, the decisions, the emotions that I never thought I could get through, the pain and all of the heartache has led us to this moment. We have been trying to get pregnant for almost 4 years, and God is blessing us with a child that is 4 years old. This means that God has been working and knew all along that over the past 4 years of our struggle, there was a little boy out there that was already created who would need a Godly home, and that it was Tim and I who were to adopt him. I can just picture God holding me through all of these years and all of my tears, thinking of this little boy who would soon be my child and telling me that He has plans for me far beyond I could even imagine. So lets back up a little here. Its going to seem like a HUGE backup, but lets go back to the time in my life when I was 8 years old. When I was 8 years old, God brought me two more sisters through the miracle of adoption. I had grown up with them as well as their brothers, we all went to church together, and when God brought the two girls into our lives we were thrilled! I didn't realize at the time that God would use this situation to meet the need in my life of wanting a child. A few months ago, my sister's biological brother called me and asked me if we would be willing to adopt his children. To be this showed a HUGE sacrifice on his part as he was willing to look past his own desire to be their dad, and to give them more than he could do on his own. He had seen a recent family picture of my whole family, and he had seen how his sister's lives had changed by being apart of the "Lackey Clan" and he knew he wanted the same for his children. Tim and I prayed about the decision, and we were thrilled! I got into contact with the kid's social worker and started working everything out with her along with all of the paperwork that comes with an out of state adoption. Things have gone so smoothly, its almost scary to me because i'm used to more bumps in the road. It doesnt seem real! The paperwork is almost done, and we get to go visit the kids on the 9th and meet them for the first time! Right now they have a book of Tim and I and our family that they are looking at to prepare for our visit. We get to spend two straight days with them, even keep them overnight! My heart feels like its flying! If everything keeps going so smoothly, we could have the kids by Christmas! Please continue to pray for us as we meet them. God has arranged this, and it is far beyond what I could have ever imagined. It is so amazing to me how my parents were able to help my sisters, and now Tim and I get to help the next generation of their biological family. I would have never have thought this up in a million years, and it is something that only the God of this universe could have brought all together. My love for Him through this whole process of infertility and adoption now has grown tremendously, but even better is that I can feel His love for me like never before.

 

Prayer

So I am posting this journal to ask for prayer, and a TON of it! Tim and I are being given the chance to adopt not one, but three children! They are siblings, a boy and two girls, ages 1, 3 and 4. We are so excited! We know that we can provide these children with a loving home, and we are thrilled at the chance to adopt them with open hearts that have been praying for this moment for almost 4 years!

The process works like this, the children are out of state, so the papers and our homestudy transfer to the department in California that handles out of state adoptions. They look at our paperwork, and look at the children's folder and determine if we are accepted to adopt them or not. Right now we are working on adopting the 1 year old, and if we can get approved to adopt her then we will have a huge chance of getting the other two since they are related.

So right now, the paperwork is about to travel to California, so that this person, whoever it is, can determine if it is a good match. They dont meet us, its all off of the paperwork. Needless to say, it is stressful! Over the next few weeks they will determine if we can adopt these children.

So we need PRAYER and lots of it! The situation seems perfect for us, and we pray that whoever this person is that needs to approve us sees it the same way. God is in control and if He wants us to have these children we will, but it is hard to remember that when its all going on! Just pray for all the people involved and that there arent too many hang ups along the way!