First Chance

I really am conflicted about which blog to keep up! I love the other one, because it has our story from the very beginning, before we did our first treatment, to getting a call on the kids, to actually getting them. But this site will help me connect better with others who have been where we are. I think I have officially decided to switch over to this one, but I am sad to do it! Anyways, onto the real stuff...

So the past few weeks have been some of the hardest on me since God has blessed me with three kids. I have been very emotional, and tired, and drained. My son asked me about two weeks ago if he was in my belly when he was a baby. It was the HARDEST thing to have to tell him no, you weren't, which led to a series of questions and emotions on his part. I completely understand that this sweet boy has been moved around so much, and is so confused by everything that has happened in his short life, and is going to experience a range of emotions in processing this. He cried and cried and cried, telling me he wanted his mommy, some of the hardest words I have had to hear. There is nothing like holding your son who is crying because he wants his "first mom." My heart started breaking. I know how insecure my son is, how scared he is of having to leave our home and go somewhere else, not understanding of why he has been moved around so much, wondering if his first mom loved him, but his insecurities started to bring out mine. From before we got the kids, I wondered, will he feel like I am really his mom? Can I love him as if he were my own child? What if he wants her more than he wants me? Its amazing how emotion can allow your mind to wander in such bad directions. But here we are, facing the reality of our situation - he does have a birth mom, he will want to know about her, he will feel abandoned by her, and I will feel my heart dropping to the floor when he asks about her. I really thought I would be fine when he asked, I didn't expect it to be so soon, but I have thought about this exact situation and how I would handle it, and in my head it went perfectly. I could use some prayer as I am trying to process this. As my heart hurts, it is taking my brain on a roller coaster ride with thoughts and feelings that are not true, but feel very real. As I try not to let my feelings and emotions impact my role as a wife and a mom. I know this is not TJ's fault, and he by no means deserves a lesser mom, he needs a mom who will step up and help and allow him to sort out his feelings, and that is exactly what I am trying to be. To not put my insecurities and feelings on him, because they are mine to deal with and not his, and he should not have to feel bad or guilty for asking questions about the truth of his life. I know what I need to be, and am trying to be, I just need my feelings and my heart to step up and get to where the truth is. If that makes any sense at all.

On a more positive update, the kids have been doing very well, despite the last paragraph. Jessy is talking and talking, and the more she talks the more I fall in love with her. She is such a joy, and when I look at her I just can't believe God choose me to be her mom. Shannon is doing great as well, she is learning so much and as TJ comes home from school, she wants to learn everything he did. With TJ starting school recently, it gives me a chance to spend more time with just the girls. It amazes me how young they start using their imagination, and the things that they can come up with. TJ has started basketball, which he is really enjoying. I cant wait to see his first game! They are all growing like crazy and changing everyday. I cant believe its almost been a year since we got them!