Adoption & Infertility

Well I just spent the last hour combining my blogs to this one. It just didn't feel right starting on this blog, and leaving our whole story behind on the other. So now, If you go to the blog archive, its all there, from the first IVF to now.

I am going to be really honest in this blog, as I always try to be. I don't see the point in hiding our feelings, if we feel them, there is a reason for it and we might as well voice and give the feelings life so we can process them. I have been struggling lately. I have felt this empty place in my heart that I cannot seem to stop going to. I feel like its really messing with me, and it is causing me a lot of emotions. I think this whole time I have tried to use adoption to cover up our infertility, but the truth is, adoption or no adoption, we are still infertile. And its a place in my heart I cant just ignore or push aside, because its reality for me. I am trying to find a way to process this, and make some peace with it, because at this moment it really hurts. As I was switching over all the blogs to this site, and I was reading about our first treatment, about my faith, my love for God and other people, my growth, my peace, and ultimately getting my children, I am amazed at how much faith I had in God. And at this point I am wondering where that went. I know it isn't God who moved away from me, its me who moved away from Him. I really don't know how people process such deep, emotional issues, and still find that strong faith in God. I miss it. I want it back. Its hard when you look at things in life, not to get angry at Him. And it sounds ridiculous because God is the giver of good things. But when you see situations happen and you know he can change it but doesn't, its hard not to get angry. I think one of the things that bothers me the most, is when Christians act like it is so easy to just trust God with everything, because the reality is that faith is not easy, faith is hard. Apparently this is another growth season in my life. I just hope that as me and God deal with my feelings in this, and I can show my kids that loving God doesn't mean it always has to be perfect or easy, but that you don't give up. Even when you aren't feeling Him, even when you are angry, that He can handle it. And I know I am a lot to handle.