Completeness

Its been a little while since I have written. One thing that scares me a little when I post journals, is that I dont want people to think im extremely strong or in perfect relationship with God, because both of those are not true at all. I have come a long ways from where I was, but I dont want to portray things in a way that they are not. I feel like I have gone through so many stages of emotions through this process, and a lot of them have been in the past few weeks. I believe that everyone has dreams, and when you feel like your dream is being taken from you, or may not happen, it hard to go on living like everything is okay. Because its not ok and it hurts. You dont realize that your heart can have that much pain, and you try to do everything you can to distract yourself from it. I know people understand this, not just people going through infertility. That is what the past weeks have been for me, I have pretty much sat on the couch watching TV and not wanting to do anything. Not even talk to my own husband. I felt so extremely sad inside, and I felt like everywhere I went and everything i saw was just a reminder of this. But I have come to believe that this is all a part of the Christian journey. Some days, or even days, you dont even want to open your Bible or pray, you just feel so empty and frustrated that those are the last of the things you want to do. I used to believe that if i had reached a point like this, God would be so angry at me. But i have now learned otherwise. I truly believe, that in the week or two that I was hurt and sad and disappointed, He was right there with me and allowed me to feel those ways, and was there to comfort me. Anger at me was no where in the picture. Yes, I was questioning Him and what He allowed to happen, and I was so frustrated and said terrible things to Him, but God can take it. I really wish that people could see God this way, because it truly changes who you are and it allows you to open yourself up to Him, and Him to love you. Before, when I was in my angry anti-God/church phase, I thought if I even messed up a little God was right there mad and angry and I wanted nothing to do with that. But that is not the truth. The Bible says the truth will set you free, and as I have come to learn the truths about God, I have been set free in my relationship with him, and to love Him. I think people also dont know how to feel Gods love, and how to know He is there; I never knew how. And I have come to learn how. The other day, I had a lady call me, a truly amazing lady, and she told me...Angie, you are not desperate. God has a plan for you, and He is going to get you there, and you are not desperate. Those words, were from God. He placed them on that ladies heart to give to me. He created her, knowing that one day when I was going through this, she would call me with words of encouragement and a listening ear when I needed it most. Part of why he created this woman, was to reach out to me. And that is love, and God uses other people all of the time to show us His love. You just have to realize it is Him. Learning that God loves me and isnt angry with me, and how to feel and see His love has changed my life. It has helped me fight the depression off, especially in the last few weeks. Im not saying its easy, it has been anything but easy, but when things are terrible, I have this small sense of peace inside of my heart, knowing that this God, who loves me, is in complete control. He knew I would feel like this, and he has placed the right people around me to help me through it. . I think one part of IVF that is very hard, is dealing with the embryos. You have all of these babies that are already created, and when they dont attach its so hard. I have pictures of the first two they put in, and before, I would look at these pictures and think that one of these would be my baby. I didnt want to lose memory or sight of these 10 embryos, ever, even if they do not attach. On Wednesday, I went in and got a tattoo of 10 hearts, one for each of my embryos. It has been an amazing feeling to look down and see the hearts, and to know that I will never forget about them. Heres a pic: