Feelings

The past months of my life have been life changing. Those of you who know me, know that already. I have been stretched and I have grown in ways that I have only dreamed of. I like to write, (if that wasnt obvious lol) and I have journals that go back to jr high and high school. One thing about journals is if you go back through them, you can see how much you have changed. In almost all of my journals I expressed sadness, and a longing to know God because for some reason I just didnt feel his love for me and I started to believe he really didnt love me. I couldnt understand how I could write in my journals for years that I wanted to know him and feel his love for me and he never seemed to meet that need. To me it seemed like a simple request, yet he wouldnt do it. I also prayed for a christian friend that I could connect with, and I couldnt seem to find that one person that I just clicked with. I felt incredibly lost and alone. I started to hate going to church, and I didnt even want to look at my Bible. I looked for ways to fill this need, and of course was unsuccessful. I met Tim, still looking to fill this need, and we got married very young. As you can imagine, this was very hard. We were both empty, looking to each other to complete each other, and the truth is another person cannot complete you, you and God have to do that on your own. It was exhausting, he was angry, I was angry, and we couldnt get along for anything. We then decided that HE needed counseling. Yes I said HE. Dont ask me how I got out of this, that is just how I was. I blamed everyone else for my problems, and if there was something wrong it had to be the other person. He did go, and he started changing a lot as he worked through some hard things. After a while he was done, and we tried to continue our marriage with this changed person he had become. Well, if both legs of a chair are broken, and you only fix one side, you still have a problem. I became more and more angry, and my anger was intense and I would rage and scream and throw things. I didnt know how to control it, it had to be Tim making me this angry. Finally Tim told me that my anger scared him because he didnt know how to respond to me when I was so angry. We then decided it was my turn to get help, and I have been for the past year. It has been incredible as I have learned and I have grown with the help of my counselor Tami. My intense anger has gone away, now I have learned to control my feelings and express them, and I have learned what caused the anger in me and I have worked through it. And it wasnt Tim haha. As I was going through counseling, we were also seeing infertility drs. Of course in June we decided to do IVF, and I truly thought it was my turn to get pregnant. I have worked through so much, my relationship with God has changed completely and I have learned that He truly loves me and I can even feel it now :). Of course you know we got negative results. I have been so upset, but I couldnt bring myself to thinking that God loves me less or anything like that. After all I have been through and faced in the past year, He has completely shown me his love and i completely believe it. I dont understand it, and I know he is in control, which can bring on both positive and negative feelings. If he is in control why wont he let me get pregnant, but he is in control so he knows what he is doing and I can have faith in the fact that he wants the best for me, even if it doesnt feel like it right now. I have been withdrawing a lot, it is so hard to go out and see families everywhere with their children, something that we dont have and almost feels impossible. I feel this great emptiness inside of me, and I have a huge fear that we wont be able to have our own children. A child that I can look at and see my husband and myself in. That i wont be able to experience pregnancy. Then the other part of me has faith, faith that even if we dont get that, even though I want it incredibly, that God has gotten me through so much and He will get us through the feelings of it. Everyone keeps saying im so strong, but i sure dont feel strong when I see a baby and then go home and cry for hours because I think I will never have my own. Or when I feel so frustrated with all of this and just want to quit. I mentioned earlier that I always prayed for a christian friend. God has given me that, and not only one but so many who have been exactly where Im at. They check on me daily and they know how I feel and what Im dealing with. I have faith some days, and then some days im completely empty. Its a roller coaster of emotions, but im getting through it. I just wanted to share a little of where ive been, and where im at now, and how i am doing, sorry to write a book haha. I really appreciate all of you who have reached out to us and have prayed for us and cared for us. You hold a special place in our hearts, even if we cannot show it very well right now. We love you!