I didn't realize how my previous post looked and some words were cut off. Next time ill edit better :).
So here we are, after some of the hardest weeks of my life. My emotions have been crazy, im sure partially due to all of the medication I was on. Sometimes it is just crazy where you end up in life, in places that you never expected. Since I was a child, I expected that I would grow up, get married and have kids. There was no question in my mind at all that this would happen. And now here I am, grown up, married, and yet the kids aren't coming. It truly makes you question God, and so many other things, when the one thing you want most in the world cannot happen. How could a God who loves me, withhold the very thing that I always thought would be my purpose in life, to be a mom. The thing that breaks my heart when I think that it may never happen. When you are going through infertility, the question is always in your head, will we actually be able to have our own children. As you go through treatment after treatment, the question gets stronger, but who wants to actually face a question like that head on? I certainly did not. The past few weeks, I have been facing that question. We have done 3 inseminations, 2 rounds of IVF, and still nothing. We do have some embryos left, but the embryos that we create together are not very good. So here we are now, facing situations out of our control, and they require a faith that I do not have. What if we will never be able to look at a child and see our own selves in that child. What if we can never see what a child that we created will look like or act like. It is heartbreaking. At times I feel so angry that I have this empty place in my heart for our child, while people around me get to have that place in their hearts filled. I see pregnant women and know that they really don't know how lucky they are, because they get to have something and feel something that I may never feel, the experience of being pregnant.
Over the past few months, Tim and I have been looking into adoption. We have always had a desire to adopt, but we knew that we didn't want to pursue adoption while we were pursuing fertility treatments. We are now so ready to go down this road. I know that adopting a child will fill that empty place in our hearts that only our child can fill. I may or may not ever get to experience pregnancy, but we do get to experience saving a child's life. We are so excited about this process, and I am already praying for the birth mother who will choose us. The one person in this world who can give to me what me and Tim cannot have on our own. We have already started the process, and are filling out lots of paperwork and setting up meetings to get things going. I feel more excited about this than I have about any of the fertility treatments we have done. I am so ready for our child, and I am so ready to see my husband finally get to be a father, which is his dream. Continue to pray for us as we go down this new road, and as we work through some of the feelings that come with not being able to have our own child. I still pray that one day God does a miracle for us and allows me to get pregnant, but I also know that when we get to hold our adopted baby for the first time, we will feel more love for that child than we have ever known.
So here we are, after some of the hardest weeks of my life. My emotions have been crazy, im sure partially due to all of the medication I was on. Sometimes it is just crazy where you end up in life, in places that you never expected. Since I was a child, I expected that I would grow up, get married and have kids. There was no question in my mind at all that this would happen. And now here I am, grown up, married, and yet the kids aren't coming. It truly makes you question God, and so many other things, when the one thing you want most in the world cannot happen. How could a God who loves me, withhold the very thing that I always thought would be my purpose in life, to be a mom. The thing that breaks my heart when I think that it may never happen. When you are going through infertility, the question is always in your head, will we actually be able to have our own children. As you go through treatment after treatment, the question gets stronger, but who wants to actually face a question like that head on? I certainly did not. The past few weeks, I have been facing that question. We have done 3 inseminations, 2 rounds of IVF, and still nothing. We do have some embryos left, but the embryos that we create together are not very good. So here we are now, facing situations out of our control, and they require a faith that I do not have. What if we will never be able to look at a child and see our own selves in that child. What if we can never see what a child that we created will look like or act like. It is heartbreaking. At times I feel so angry that I have this empty place in my heart for our child, while people around me get to have that place in their hearts filled. I see pregnant women and know that they really don't know how lucky they are, because they get to have something and feel something that I may never feel, the experience of being pregnant.
Over the past few months, Tim and I have been looking into adoption. We have always had a desire to adopt, but we knew that we didn't want to pursue adoption while we were pursuing fertility treatments. We are now so ready to go down this road. I know that adopting a child will fill that empty place in our hearts that only our child can fill. I may or may not ever get to experience pregnancy, but we do get to experience saving a child's life. We are so excited about this process, and I am already praying for the birth mother who will choose us. The one person in this world who can give to me what me and Tim cannot have on our own. We have already started the process, and are filling out lots of paperwork and setting up meetings to get things going. I feel more excited about this than I have about any of the fertility treatments we have done. I am so ready for our child, and I am so ready to see my husband finally get to be a father, which is his dream. Continue to pray for us as we go down this new road, and as we work through some of the feelings that come with not being able to have our own child. I still pray that one day God does a miracle for us and allows me to get pregnant, but I also know that when we get to hold our adopted baby for the first time, we will feel more love for that child than we have ever known.
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