God's Plan

Sometimes in the midst of craziness, there is something that pulls us back to reality. For me and Tim, it has been an amazing book called Plan B by Pete Wilson. It has been an awesome tool that God has used to keep us going on the hard road of infertility and adoption. I don't know why I thought that since we are adopting everything would now be smooth sailing, because adoption in itself is an emotional journey. We have had some huge bumps in the road already, and although God has gotten us through it so far, its been very emotional and scary. Last night Tim and I read a chapter in Plan B called Whiplash. It was about those times in our lives where things are just going wrong, and things feel terrible. As Tim and I were reading, we were reminded that having faith in God does not mean that everything will just be ok. It doesn;t mean that storms wont come, and it doesn't mean that He will just fix every problem we face. So many people think that if things are going wrong, it can't be God's plan. Yet the truth is, it can be. Before Tim and I were even born God knew that we would be facing this crazy journey in our lives. He even created people and put them on the same path as us to help us through it. SOOO many times I lay in bed thinking, God WHAT are you doing?? Will we ever have a child? Will I ever get to experience pregnancy?? This seriously can't be your will or plan for my life because it hurts too bad... But the truth is, we serve a God who we cannot understand, and this is an amazing thing. Having faith in Him does not mean that I know He will allow me to get pregnant, it means that trusting that even if He never allows me to get pregnant, He has a plan for me that must be far greater and leaning on that to keep me moving forward. I learned in reading this chapter last night, that so many times people make all of these plans for their life, when they will get married, how many kids they will have, they even decide how many of each gender they will have and choose all of their names. They choose which job they will have, the decide that they will not be single, they would never lose their house...soooo many different circumstances, and then if God doesn;t go along with that plan, they get angry and tell Him how upset they are that things are not going how they should be going. That totally applies to my life. At times I get so angry at God that he has not allowed us to have children, and I lose focus of the fact that that is my plan, and yet it is not His. That we serve a God whose thoughts are above our thoughts and ways are above our ways. It can be a constant battle as Satan tries to take our plans and continually show them to us and show us how God is not coming through, yet on the other side keeping your mind on the truth that if God is not allowing this to happen, there must be a reason and something far greater will come, even if it feels like it never will. At times I think, God seriously, this has to be enough, I don't think I can handle one more thing, and then one more thing happens and I learn something else through it. God is not in the business of doing everything I want, or focusing on the end goal, He cares more about the journey and shaping me into who he wants me to be. I don't really know who all reads this online journal of our journey, and it really serves as a way for me to write down what I have learned and go back and read it when I start to doubt it, which happens often. My prayer is that God can use what He is teaching me to help others as well. God does not give us struggles to go through them alone, He uses those struggles to reach other people who are struggling as well, and I pray that He does this with our journey.