Prayer

So I am posting this journal to ask for prayer, and a TON of it! Tim and I are being given the chance to adopt not one, but three children! They are siblings, a boy and two girls, ages 1, 3 and 4. We are so excited! We know that we can provide these children with a loving home, and we are thrilled at the chance to adopt them with open hearts that have been praying for this moment for almost 4 years!

The process works like this, the children are out of state, so the papers and our homestudy transfer to the department in California that handles out of state adoptions. They look at our paperwork, and look at the children's folder and determine if we are accepted to adopt them or not. Right now we are working on adopting the 1 year old, and if we can get approved to adopt her then we will have a huge chance of getting the other two since they are related.

So right now, the paperwork is about to travel to California, so that this person, whoever it is, can determine if it is a good match. They dont meet us, its all off of the paperwork. Needless to say, it is stressful! Over the next few weeks they will determine if we can adopt these children.

So we need PRAYER and lots of it! The situation seems perfect for us, and we pray that whoever this person is that needs to approve us sees it the same way. God is in control and if He wants us to have these children we will, but it is hard to remember that when its all going on! Just pray for all the people involved and that there arent too many hang ups along the way!

Blessings

Im sure you have all heard the song blessings, heres the chorus:
what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

I love this song and have spent time listening to each word of it and memorizing them, and claiming them for my own life. A while ago when I heard it, I could relate to it but I didn't fully understand each line. what if your blessings come through raindrops, Tim and I have been rained on hard the past year, and i wouldn't even call them rain drops I would say it was the whole storm! But I didn't feel blessed during this time, I was just waiting for it to be over so we could experience the blessing. Or the last line, What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise, how the heck is a trial God's mercy? We are facing hopefully one of the biggest trials of our life, and I wouldn't have called it mercy. We have finally passed our homestudy, which was in itself a hard journey and it has helped things to mostly calm down, and over past two months of our lives, I have learned and felt some incredible things!  I now understand the lyrics, because I am feeling a joy in my heart that I have never felt before, AND we still DO NOT have a child! Its crazy! I remember someone who had also gone through inferility telling me I would get to the point where I could give it all to God and feel peace, and I thought she was seriously insane. There was no way. God has shown me that He is a BIG God, and He has me covered and has a plan for me. It has been so amazing to just be able to relax with my husband the past months and enjoy what we have together, and to make it even greater! To trust that God has this covered and to be able to focus on other things and to continue to discover who I am and to continue to grow confident in that person. I know I have said this before, but my perspective of people and the world, and of God a few years ago, and my perspective now is completely different. It amazes me still. I honestly never thought I could have relationships with people that were so honest and open and caring. It still amazes me as I go through my days and spend time investing into all of these people God has placed in my life, that I had missed all of this before. I am learning what it means to follow God, to be loved completely by Him no matter what. I am learning how to have a relationship with Him and He is showing me how to love others. I have spent time with amazing people, learn to make the greatest cookies (thanks Heather), cut my hair off haha, gone to the beach a lot, enjoyed and laughed with my husband, and have just had fun! I keep reminding myself that I will only live one time, and I don't want to waste it. God has taken me way out of what I was comfortable with and it has been an amazing journey, and He has used infertility to make me completly rely upon Him because I have absolutely NO control over it, even if I wanted to. It isn't a situation where I can change my mind and say, O wait, thanks for trying God but I think ill just take that one back and handle it on my own. I can do nothing. I have to TRUST Him. I know I post all of these things when I am doing well and have processed things, but this has been a hard journey. I have had to make decisions that I honestly could have ever have imagined I would have to make, I have had to experience feelings that I never want to feel again. Even yesterday when I was talking to my friend, she said, man it seems like all anyone has to do to get pregnant is hang around you. It does feel true, everyone around me gets pregnant quickly and I think this whole journey someone close to me has been pregnant the whole time. Its a balancing act learning how to be happy for them, yet to also know its ok to be sad for me, but to not let it drag me down too low. To learn what I can and cannot handle, and to learn how God has created me to be in the process. I know people go through hard things, things that they honestly do not think they can handle, but know this, there is an amazing God who truly loves you. So many times when things are hard we are so busy wondering why God would allow this to happen to us, that we can miss the journey that may just explain the reasoning. You could miss the growth that comes when God does allow something to happen in your life that feels unbearable. I truly want to be a person that loves and prays for others when they are facing the hard times, because that is what gets them through it. If you have anything that I can keep you in prayer for, please comment it on this post or email it to me. I will write it down and keep it personal, and pray for you.

 

No Subject

I got to hang out with one of my great friends, Diana today. She asked me when I was going to post in my blog next because it really speaks to her when I do. I have had one written for a few weeks, but wasnt sure if I was going to post it because I didn't know if I was just dragging people down with all of this stuff going on in our lives. But since she asked me to, I am going to post it.

Sometimes life just feels like a huge roller coaster ride. That pretty much describes the past few months of mine and Tim's lives, past years actually. But the past few months have been full of so much emotion, as God seemed to bring together our past, present and future in a way that was terrifying and made us COMPLETELY rely upon Him as we didn't know what was going to happen next. Thankfully everything is finally starting to turn around. I did not realize how terrifying it is to have to rely completely on God in a situation. I have never felt so much frustration at God, and yet had to rely upon Him anyways. With so many of the different avenues for us to have a child closing, I hold on tight to the very few that we have left. But its when we hold onto someting so tightly that God steps in and can make sure our priorities are correct, and that our love for Him outweighs the thing we are holding onto. He tested our faith strongly. It is so hard to be able to say to God that it is completely up to Him to give us our child. I feel like if I can take shots, or medications, or complete paperwork or do SOMETHING, anything really, that maybe I am still in control. It is so hard to give all of that up to Him, especially when I feel He hasn't done very well with it so far. That is so selfish to say, who am I to tell God how something should be done? Yet, I do it, a lot haha. One thing I am very thankful for is to have a God who can handle me and my feelings, and not give up on me even when I feel ready to give up on Him. When I feel like He has given me this great desire and is not fulfilling it, yet makes me watch so many people around me have it fulfilled. Then I hear a song, or get a text or word of encouragement from someone, or just sense His presence more than usual at a given moment, and it keeps me going a little longer. It is so hard to pray and read my Bible, and even go to church at times when I feel so frustrated and angry at the God of this Universe. When I know in one second He could take care of this situation and take away this pain, but He chooses not to. I know in my head that there has to be a reason for all of this, and it could be a form of protection, but in my heart I just feel that it is so mean. When I have been struggling to have a child for 3 years, and then people around me get pregnant in a month. Or when I go to birthday parties for these amazing kids in my life, celebrating that they are one, and it just kills me inside because I knew I would have a baby by the time they were born, yet alone their first birthdays. I try incredibly hard not to focus on it all of the time, but that is pretty much impossible to do. It is too close to us, all around us, all the time. As our adoption is finally on the move again, it is nice to feel some sense of hope, that maybe soon we will get selected by a birth mother and have the child that God has CREATED for US. I remember when we first started going through infertility, I would hear this question in my head from God, "Angie will you still love me if I do not give you a child? Will you still love me if you can never be pregnant?" Man it stings just typing it out. It is the question I have been ignoring since the beginning of this, because I knew God would just give me a child and I wouldn't have to answer it. Yet here we are, and I know I may never get to have my husbands child except for a miracle, and although it is sooo hard and frustrating, and I struggle incredibly with my feelings, I know that God loves me and I choose to believe His plan for me is great. That this part of our life wont last forever. And I know that I love Him. How many people can truly say that? That if their biggest dream was taken away, and they knew that God could fulfill it but wouldnt, that they still truly loved Him. I never thought I would be able to, but through a broken heart, I can. I am amazed to look back on the journey He has taken us on, I am amazed at how much my husband and I have grown, at how much I personally have grown, and I know without all of this I wouldn't have. So many times we pray for God to take the pain away, to make is stop. But the truth is we should pray that God uses the pain and circumstances to teach us, and mold us and shape us to be like Him and to grow in ways that are impossible to grow when things are perfect and happy. The truth is we will all go through times in our life where things are so hard we truly don't see how we can get through it, but as one of my favorite songs says, " You never said it would be easy, You only said I'll never go alone." We serve an incredible God who has more in store for us than just making us happy and granting our wishes. I know God has a plan for Tim and I, and I cannot wait to meet our little bundle of joy as we continue to pray to be matched with the child that God has created just for us!

God's Plan

Sometimes in the midst of craziness, there is something that pulls us back to reality. For me and Tim, it has been an amazing book called Plan B by Pete Wilson. It has been an awesome tool that God has used to keep us going on the hard road of infertility and adoption. I don't know why I thought that since we are adopting everything would now be smooth sailing, because adoption in itself is an emotional journey. We have had some huge bumps in the road already, and although God has gotten us through it so far, its been very emotional and scary. Last night Tim and I read a chapter in Plan B called Whiplash. It was about those times in our lives where things are just going wrong, and things feel terrible. As Tim and I were reading, we were reminded that having faith in God does not mean that everything will just be ok. It doesn;t mean that storms wont come, and it doesn't mean that He will just fix every problem we face. So many people think that if things are going wrong, it can't be God's plan. Yet the truth is, it can be. Before Tim and I were even born God knew that we would be facing this crazy journey in our lives. He even created people and put them on the same path as us to help us through it. SOOO many times I lay in bed thinking, God WHAT are you doing?? Will we ever have a child? Will I ever get to experience pregnancy?? This seriously can't be your will or plan for my life because it hurts too bad... But the truth is, we serve a God who we cannot understand, and this is an amazing thing. Having faith in Him does not mean that I know He will allow me to get pregnant, it means that trusting that even if He never allows me to get pregnant, He has a plan for me that must be far greater and leaning on that to keep me moving forward. I learned in reading this chapter last night, that so many times people make all of these plans for their life, when they will get married, how many kids they will have, they even decide how many of each gender they will have and choose all of their names. They choose which job they will have, the decide that they will not be single, they would never lose their house...soooo many different circumstances, and then if God doesn;t go along with that plan, they get angry and tell Him how upset they are that things are not going how they should be going. That totally applies to my life. At times I get so angry at God that he has not allowed us to have children, and I lose focus of the fact that that is my plan, and yet it is not His. That we serve a God whose thoughts are above our thoughts and ways are above our ways. It can be a constant battle as Satan tries to take our plans and continually show them to us and show us how God is not coming through, yet on the other side keeping your mind on the truth that if God is not allowing this to happen, there must be a reason and something far greater will come, even if it feels like it never will. At times I think, God seriously, this has to be enough, I don't think I can handle one more thing, and then one more thing happens and I learn something else through it. God is not in the business of doing everything I want, or focusing on the end goal, He cares more about the journey and shaping me into who he wants me to be. I don't really know who all reads this online journal of our journey, and it really serves as a way for me to write down what I have learned and go back and read it when I start to doubt it, which happens often. My prayer is that God can use what He is teaching me to help others as well. God does not give us struggles to go through them alone, He uses those struggles to reach other people who are struggling as well, and I pray that He does this with our journey.

No Subject

I didn't realize how my previous post looked and some words were cut off. Next time ill edit better :).

So here we are, after some of the hardest weeks of my life. My emotions have been crazy, im sure partially due to all of the medication I was on. Sometimes it is just crazy where you end up in life, in places that you never expected. Since I was a child, I expected that I would grow up, get married and have kids. There was no question in my mind at all that this would happen. And now here I am, grown up, married, and yet the kids aren't coming. It truly makes you question God, and so many other things, when the one thing you want most in the world cannot happen. How could a God who loves me, withhold the very thing that I always thought would be my purpose in life, to be a mom. The thing that breaks my heart when I think that it may never happen. When you are going through infertility, the question is always in your head, will we actually be able to have our own children. As you go through treatment after treatment, the question gets stronger, but who wants to actually face a question like that head on? I certainly did not. The past few weeks, I have been facing that question. We have done 3 inseminations, 2 rounds of IVF, and still nothing. We do have some embryos left, but the embryos that we create together are not very good. So here we are now, facing situations out of our control, and they require a faith that I do not have. What if we will never be able to look at a child and see our own selves in that child. What if we can never see what a child that we created will look like or act like. It is heartbreaking. At times I feel so angry that I have this empty place in my heart for our child, while people around me get to have that place in their hearts filled. I see pregnant women and know that they really don't know how lucky they are, because they get to have something and feel something that I may never feel, the experience of being pregnant.
Over the past few months, Tim and I have been looking into adoption. We have always had a desire to adopt, but we knew that we didn't want to pursue adoption while we were pursuing fertility treatments. We are now so ready to go down this road. I know that adopting a child will fill that empty place in our hearts that only our child can fill. I may or may not ever get to experience pregnancy, but we do get to experience saving a child's life. We are so excited about this process, and I am already praying for the birth mother who will choose us. The one person in this world who can give to me what me and Tim cannot have on our own. We have already started the process, and are filling out lots of paperwork and setting up meetings to get things going. I feel more excited about this than I have about any of the fertility treatments we have done. I am so ready for our child, and I am so ready to see my husband finally get to be a father, which is his dream. Continue to pray for us as we go down this new road, and as we work through some of the feelings that come with not being able to have our own child. I still pray that one day God does a miracle for us and allows me to get pregnant, but I also know that when we get to hold our adopted baby for the first time, we will feel more love for that child than we have ever known.

 

Infertility

Received this email from an infertility group today and it perfectly describes how I am feeling. Infertility. I don’t think words can describe the feeling a woman has when she hears that word. An overwhelming fear takes over her mind; the fear that she will never be a mother and that she may never be able to provide a child for her husband, who wants one just as bad. She fears that she will let him down. It’s something that cannot be fixed, but only maintained. It’s something that can only be truly understood by the person going through it. So many times she hears “just relax, it’ll happen,” or “stop trying and it will happen.” She politely takes the advice because she knows they are only trying to help, but in her head she is thinking, “How can relaxing make my ovaries work? Why is this happening to me?” She searches for the answer in others, but never seems to get the answer she wants. The doctors tell her that although she will need help getting pregnant, the chance is there. So she begins to gain back the excitement she had before because she is given a new hope. Negative # 1 comes and she is devastated, but she convinces herself that it takes more than one try and keeps her head held high. Negative # 2 comes and she is, once again, devastated. She has to move to the next step. While waiting for the time to begin treatment, she and her husband realize that they cannot afford the next step. They are struggling as it is and insurance covers nothing. They make the heartbreaking decision to take a break and they are stuck in what seems to be an endless whirl pool of emotion and devastation. Wanting a child is not like wanting a toy you can’t have. It is about wanting to know a love that not a single person can describe to you; the type of love that cannot be experienced in any other situation. There is only one way to experience that love, that bond. When that way seems to be taken from you with a possibility of it never being given back, it hurts. Sometimes, it hurts so bad you feel as though you can’t breathe. It hurts to the point that you become numb. That feelinghappens over and over and over again. The worst part is that you cannot predict the future, so you have to wait. You have to wait for something that you may never get. Let me tell you this; when it does happen to you, it’s almost the only thing you can think about. I wish it was as easy as saying my ABC’s, but the fact of the matter is that I have no say in what happens. My husband and I have to accept the fact that we may never be parents. Does that mean we are giving up? Absolutely not, but when you are faced with infertility, it’s something you have to deal with. Infertility has overcome me at times, but I have not let it consume me. I believe that God has a purpose in all of this. I know I may never understand what it is, but I know that if I trust Him, everything will be okay. I do not want my infertility to be a secret because it’s something serious and I believe I am meant to share. It affects my way of life. Why would God put me through something if I wasn’t mean to use it for His glory? God has used me through this. He has not only made me stronger, but he has made my marriage stronger as well as the other relationships in my life. We have a choice on how we react to situations. Though this journey is not easy for me, I have decided to react in a positive way. This is only the beginning of my story, but I hope I was able to provide a perspective that allows anybody who reads this to delve into a world that they may not have noticed before and realize the impact infertility has on the lives of those who deal with it. ----Kelsey Price

IVF #2 Update

I wanted to give everyone an update on our IVF#2. We started at the beginning of October, and are going strong! Everything so far has fallen into place except for one thing. My estrogen levels are somewhat low compared to where they should be. They are working on finding a way to fix this, and I go back in tomorrow for another blood test to see if my levels are any higher. For right now, its not a terrible thing because they havent done the transfer, and everything else looks so good. We just need to get them up by Friday, and everything will be fine, which I know they can do. Our transfer is on Friday morning sometime, not sure what time yet. Please continue to pray for our embryos as they have to go through the thawing process and not all embryos survive this part. We just want 2 healthy embryos, or 3 :) and I know God has already selected which ones will be used.  I appreciate all of your prayers! Yesterday was a powerful and emotional day for us as our families got together to pray for us, and then our church family loved us and prayed for us. It has been such a blessing to me to see how many people are right by our side through all of this, even when sometimes Satan can get me to belief that im alone. I appreciate the random text messages I get of people thinking about us, and the facebook messages and chats. One thing that I like to do, as if this wasnt obvious, is write. I used to write ALL the time when I was younger, and seemed to stop for some reason. Well infertility has helped me find my way back to writing. One of the greatest things about writing is going back months or years later and reading what you read and what prayers God has answered, and just how your life has changed. I wanted to share one of my journals with you that I wrote over a year ago, because my heart is full of thankfulness, and when I re- read this I just knew I had to share it.

God,
As i'm dealing with some of the hard things going on right now, I have realized that i have lost my focus on God as well as the good things that are going on in my life. I have been so focused on how much i hurt and how upset i am that i do not seem to care about anything else. I want to start writing some of the things i am thankful for that you have given to me.
 1. You-God. I am so thankful for you because you love me unconditionally. It doesnt matter if i mess up, even though sometimes i trick myself into thinking that it does. You care about me so much, and you created me to be here at this point and time for a reason. i am not a mistake, and you have handpicked every aspect of my life. although i am still learning to trust you, i am thankful that you are patient with me.
 2. Tim. i am so thankful for my husband. He has an understanding of me that nobody has ever had before. He is so perfect for me. he makes me laugh and even when we go through hard times he thinks about things and realizes how much he loves me. hI wanted to give everyone an update on our IVF#2. We started at the beginning of October, and are going strong! Everything so far has fallen into place except for one thing. My estrogen levels are somewhat low compared to where they should be. They are working on finding a way to fix this, and I go back in tomorrow for another blood test to see if my levels are any higher. For right now, its not a terrible thing because they havent done the transfer, and everything else looks so good. We just need to get them up by Friday, and everything will be fine, which I know they can do. Our transfer is on Friday morning sometime, not sure what time yet. Please continue to pray for our embryos as they have to go through the thawing process and not all embryos survive this part. We just want 2 healthy embryos, or 3 :) and I know God has already selected which ones will be used.  I appreciate all of your prayers! Yesterday was a powerful and emotional day for us as our families got together to pray for us, and then our church family loved us and prayed for us. It has been such a blessing to me to see how many people are right by our side through all of this, even when sometimes Satan can get me to belief that im alone. I appreciate the random text messages I get of people thinking about us, and the facebook messages and chats. One thing that I like to do, as if this wasnt obvious, is write. I used to write ALL the time when I was younger, and seemed to stop for some reason. Well infertility has helped me find my way back to writing. One of the greatest things about writing is going back months or years later and reading what you read and what prayers God has answered, and just how your life has changed. I wanted to share one of my journals with you that I wrote over a year ago, because my heart is full of thankfulness, and when I re- read this I just knew I had to share it.

God,
As i'm dealing with some of the hard things going on right now, I have realized that i have lost my focus on God as well as the good things that are going on in my life. I have been so focused on how much i hurt and how upset i am that i do not seem to care about anything else. I want to start writing some of the things i am thankful for that you have given to me.
 1. You-God. I am so thankful for you because you love me unconditionally. It doesnt matter if i mess up, even though sometimes i trick myself into thinking that it does. You care about me so much, and you created me to be here at this point and time for a reason. i am not a mistake, and you have handpicked every aspect of my life. although i am still learning to trust you, i am thankful that you are patient with me.
 2. Tim. i am so thankful for my husband. He has an understanding of me that nobody has ever had before. He is so perfect for me. he makes me laugh and even when we go through hard times he thinks about things and realizes how much he loves me. he doesnt let things about me get to him to the extent that he wouldnt want me anymore. i know im not perfect, and he is actually ok with that. I am so lucky to have him, and to be in a place in his life where he can fully trust me. I love him.
 3. My Parents. I am very thankful for my parents. Especially when we are in a world where most parents dont even love each other anymore, i have parents that are truly in love and are truly in love with you. I am so lucky to have a mom and dad that would drop anything if they knew that something was wrong with me. They truly care to the point that most parents dont care. They make sure that i know i am loved and taken care of, and if i have a problem they are always there to help me work through it. They are the most generous people i know, and i am lucky to be able to call them my parents.
 4. My sisters and brother. I am also thankful for my sisters. Three of them wouldnt even be in my life if it wasnt for your goodness. I am lucky to have them in my life and lucky to have their care and love. I love having a relationship with them, and to know that they love me no matter what. They are amazing, and they all have hearts that truly want to love you and try their best. I am very lucky to have them, and to have relationships with most of them.
 5. My church. I LOVE my church. You have taken me and Tim to a church where we are truly loved, and you can see it by peoples actions. When people talk to us it is genuine, and they really care to know us on more than just a surface level. You have placed me where people understand exactly what I am going through because they have been down this road, and they havent been scared to reach out to me and to share their own stories with me to help give me courage for mine. You have given us a pastor that truly loves you and loves people, and speaks your word boldly every week. I am so thankful for a place we can call home, and I honeslty thought it would never happen. That I could never find a church like this, or that I would ever even want to. I LOVE Imagine Church!
6. My friends. I am so thankful for everyone who has loved on me and has given me the chance to be apart of their lives and shared their feelings and theirselves with me. I love them all so much, and I dont know where I would be if I didnt have their support and love.e doesnt let things about me get to him to the extent that he wouldnt want me anymore. i know im not perfect, and he is actually ok with that. I am so lucky to have him, and to be in a place in his life where he can fully trust me. I love him.
 3. My Parents. I am very thankful for my parents. Especially when we are in a world where most parents dont even love each other anymore, i have parents that are truly in love and are truly in love with you. I am so lucky to have a mom and dad that would drop anything if they knew that something was wrong with me. They truly care to the point that most parents dont care. They make sure that i know i am loved and taken care of, and if i have a problem they are always there to help me work through it. They are the most generous people i know, and i am lucky to be able to call them my parents.
 4. My sisters and brother. I am also thankful for my sisters. Three of them wouldnt even be in my life if it wasnt for your goodness. I am lucky to have them in my life and lucky to have their care and love. I love having a relationship with them, and to know that they love me no matter what. They are amazing, and they all have hearts that truly want to love you and try their best. I am very lucky to have them, and to have relationships with most of them.
 5. My church. I LOVE my church. You have taken me and Tim to a church where we are truly loved, and you can see it by peoples actions. When people talk to us it is genuine, and they really care to know us on more than just a surface level. You have placed me where people understand exactly what I am going through because they have been down this road, and they havent been scared to reach out to me and to share their own stories with me to help give me courage for mine. You have given us a pastor that truly loves you and loves people, and speaks your word boldly every week. I am so thankful for a place we can call home, and I honeslty thought it would never happen. That I could never find a church like this, or that I would ever even want to. I LOVE Imagine Church!
6. My friends. I am so thankful for everyone who has loved on me and has given me the chance to be apart of their lives and shared their feelings and theirselves with me. I love them all so much, and I dont know where I would be if I didnt have their support and love.