Friday, April 18, 2014
Glimpse
I love when God gives me a glimpse of things through His eyes. Sometimes life can be so full of chaos, and things to get done, and time being given out in a ton of different directions, and you lose sight of what God has for you. This is one reason that I LOVE to take pictures, it allows me to slow down and to see moments, to really see them down to the smallest detail. At times, in the midst of motherhood, dealing with constant arguing and discipline, it is so easy to lose sight of how precious these little ones are. To see how their little eyes light up when I just put everything down and focus only on them. To see how much they yearn to be known, to be loved fully to the smallest detail of who they are, to be encouraged and to know that I, their mommy, notice how good they are at doing the smallest things. Being a mommy is such a huge job, to know you are shaping a small child and that their experiences with you will be how they experience the world. I have relied on myself for so long to meet their needs, and I was so lost in it all. Lately, we have been going through a huge learning journey in the Mantzey household. We are actually seeking God in things, and learning to trust Him. I have prayed more for my sweet kids in the last few weeks then I ever have, and I love that God is giving me the strength I need to shape and care for them as He would want them to be cared for. This is the greatest task God has ever entrusted Tim and I with, loving kids who come from backgrounds that already shaped them in ways that we have to help them work through. It is so hard at times, but there are the sweetest moments along the journey that make my heart melt. I SEE them growing and changing. I see them taking the small steps to really trust us. This morning Jessy climbed on my lap and said, mommy I hear your heart, it says, "I love Jessy." I tell her this all the time, but its the first time she's ever said it to me first. Our sweet 3 year old has the hardest time out of all 3 of the kids allowing us into her heart, so moments like these are so amazing. There are occasionally still the questions, are you still my mom? Will I still be living here? Will you leave me? Was I in your belly when I was a baby? But these questions are happening a lot less often as we are slowly starting to see them gain more confidence in who they are and security in our love for them. I cannot imagine being so small and wondering if this home will last forever, I am so lucky that I was born into security, love and stability. I love to see their sweet personalities just coming out. They are all so funny, and their laughter is contagious. I am so in love with them from their sweet curls, to their big blue eyes, their amazing spirits and their openness to trust us.
Monday, April 7, 2014
Challenge
What a year it has been so far! I truly want and long to be as honest and real as I can so that God can use our journey, our circumstances, and our trials and they are not wasted. This year has been pretty hard so far, physically, emotionally and as a family.
Physically, I had been getting some really bad stomach pains, and my sweet husband made me go to the doctor. (Thanks Tim). After some testing at the doctor they found two cysts on my ovary that are not "normal" looking, and then discovered a lump during a routine physical at the same appointment. I was freaking out. I came home crying and scared, and faced the next few days with the urgency to have them over so I could find out what was going on. I met with the surgeon which calmed our minds about the lump, but did find out I needed surgery for the cysts (which will be happening in a few days). Combine that with the random vertigo that I had for over a month, passing out for the first time ever a few weeks ago, breaking my toe recently, and it has been a scary few months! I had an EKG to make sure everything was ok with my heart since I passed out, and it all came back clear, thank God.
Besides the physical challenges I have been facing so far this year, we have also been seeking some help to keep our new family of 5 headed in the right direction. As TJ has started school, he has faced some challenges, and our sweet (at least she is sweet sometimes haha) little 3 year old has needed some help with developing healthy attachments and working through some anger and frustration that she has. Parenting is such hard work, and parenting three children who have been through trauma, abuse, new homes, new families, and broken trust has definitely proven to have its difficulties. Trying to meet their many needs, as well as keep things healthy in our marriage is quite the task. Trying to gain the trust of kids who have had their trust broken so many times has been challenging, and they already ask a lot of questions about whose belly they were in, where they come from, etc. I am grateful that God chose us to help heal these sweet kids, but overwhelmed at the same time. We have also had challenges hit our marriage from many different directions, and we are in the process of trying to heal and overcome while finding the support and help that we need to do things, and to heal in the right way.
Over the past two weeks, God has shown me something that I have been ignoring for a while. He is breaking me so that I rely on Him. God has shown me how much anger I have towards Him after facing infertility, how much anger I have towards "the church." Not a specific church, just church in general. How WRONG my view is of Him. How much I try to do on my own. How often I claim to be a "Christian" but that is all it is, an appearance based claim. How I never go to Him, how I lack trust in Him, and how I am so overwhelmed because I face every situation without Him, and without seeking His direction. I don't have his peace because I don't allow Him to give it to me. We may have "standards" we live by, but we don't live by them because of our love for Him, its because of the appearance of being Christian and what we are "supposed" to do. We have recently been seeking help through Sandals Church, which has been amazing for us. We are learning to be "real" with where we are at, our deepest struggles. God has allowed situations in my life to happen that have caused my heart to break and its hard to trust Him to be the one to heal my heart. To admit that I cannot do this on my own, even though I have tried. Obviously this blog has been a place for me to share our journey, to be real and so many people have followed it and been there for us through it. I can tell that the next step for Tim and I is going to be the most important step. I thought having kids would be the most important step, but God has used our sweet kids to show me even more how I cannot do this journey without Him.
I cannot say I'm much farther along than this at the moment, I havent just gained trust for Him overnight, and the anger that I feel towards church/God is not just gone. But as I said, its a journey, and there are certain things God is doing in our lives and certain people He recently brought into our lives that are challenging me and my views. That are praying for us because we were real and honest and open with them. That know exactly where we are at, and are committed to help us. Seeing God's grace through this, even as I type it out, is softening my heart little by little to Him.
Physically, I had been getting some really bad stomach pains, and my sweet husband made me go to the doctor. (Thanks Tim). After some testing at the doctor they found two cysts on my ovary that are not "normal" looking, and then discovered a lump during a routine physical at the same appointment. I was freaking out. I came home crying and scared, and faced the next few days with the urgency to have them over so I could find out what was going on. I met with the surgeon which calmed our minds about the lump, but did find out I needed surgery for the cysts (which will be happening in a few days). Combine that with the random vertigo that I had for over a month, passing out for the first time ever a few weeks ago, breaking my toe recently, and it has been a scary few months! I had an EKG to make sure everything was ok with my heart since I passed out, and it all came back clear, thank God.
Besides the physical challenges I have been facing so far this year, we have also been seeking some help to keep our new family of 5 headed in the right direction. As TJ has started school, he has faced some challenges, and our sweet (at least she is sweet sometimes haha) little 3 year old has needed some help with developing healthy attachments and working through some anger and frustration that she has. Parenting is such hard work, and parenting three children who have been through trauma, abuse, new homes, new families, and broken trust has definitely proven to have its difficulties. Trying to meet their many needs, as well as keep things healthy in our marriage is quite the task. Trying to gain the trust of kids who have had their trust broken so many times has been challenging, and they already ask a lot of questions about whose belly they were in, where they come from, etc. I am grateful that God chose us to help heal these sweet kids, but overwhelmed at the same time. We have also had challenges hit our marriage from many different directions, and we are in the process of trying to heal and overcome while finding the support and help that we need to do things, and to heal in the right way.
Over the past two weeks, God has shown me something that I have been ignoring for a while. He is breaking me so that I rely on Him. God has shown me how much anger I have towards Him after facing infertility, how much anger I have towards "the church." Not a specific church, just church in general. How WRONG my view is of Him. How much I try to do on my own. How often I claim to be a "Christian" but that is all it is, an appearance based claim. How I never go to Him, how I lack trust in Him, and how I am so overwhelmed because I face every situation without Him, and without seeking His direction. I don't have his peace because I don't allow Him to give it to me. We may have "standards" we live by, but we don't live by them because of our love for Him, its because of the appearance of being Christian and what we are "supposed" to do. We have recently been seeking help through Sandals Church, which has been amazing for us. We are learning to be "real" with where we are at, our deepest struggles. God has allowed situations in my life to happen that have caused my heart to break and its hard to trust Him to be the one to heal my heart. To admit that I cannot do this on my own, even though I have tried. Obviously this blog has been a place for me to share our journey, to be real and so many people have followed it and been there for us through it. I can tell that the next step for Tim and I is going to be the most important step. I thought having kids would be the most important step, but God has used our sweet kids to show me even more how I cannot do this journey without Him.
I cannot say I'm much farther along than this at the moment, I havent just gained trust for Him overnight, and the anger that I feel towards church/God is not just gone. But as I said, its a journey, and there are certain things God is doing in our lives and certain people He recently brought into our lives that are challenging me and my views. That are praying for us because we were real and honest and open with them. That know exactly where we are at, and are committed to help us. Seeing God's grace through this, even as I type it out, is softening my heart little by little to Him.
Friday, November 8, 2013
National Adoption Month
This month is national adoption month, which of course I FULLY support! Even as I am writing this I have my three little ones right by me all needing my attention lol. I definitely cannot say that adoption has been the easiest road, or even the easiest adjustment, but it has been totally and completely worth it.
The first few days after our kids landed at the airport, we were on cloud 9! But reality soon hit. Especially with kids who are older, and ours aren't even that old, they come with a lot of history and memories and attachment issues. One of the hardest parts of having three kids placed with us, was that I didn't feel like they were mine. I was having the hardest time bonding with them because I had this ideal in my head and the situation wasn't matching up to that ideal. Of course one thing I was dealing with not being able to have biological children, because when three kids are placed with you and you don't feel that automatic attachment that is the first thing you grieve. But I was also not prepared for the constant talk about "other moms" and how much that would effect me in not feeling like these kids were really mine.
I remember crying a lot, and crying to God, how could you give me kids and not allow that motherly bond to happen immediately. You already took away one of my dreams and now you are not allowing me to have this one either??? I feel like I'm babysitting kids that don't belong to me, but belong to other parents and they will never view me as their mom. (I get that this is a little extreme but in the moment this is truly how I felt). And then I felt God tell me in my heart, these kids are not other parents kids, they are HIS. At that moment my heart softened. God was right, they are HIS kids and HE made them for us. And the bonding started happening. God wasn't the one holding back the bonding with my sweet kids, it was me. And there are sooo many more of HIS kids out there waiting for parents.
I ADORE these sweet kids. I have never felt so in love with kids before, and pretty much think they are the most amazing people in the world. They are so funny, and so sweet and sincere. They are grateful. Probably because they know what its like to have the opposite of what we have now. They are friendly and social. They are all so unique and fun. I cant imagine life without them. I am their mom.
And of course, as I am writing about national adoption month, I just got a call saying they are signing off on our consent to adopt and sending it in, so we will finalize really soon!! God is good!!! Adoption is amazing!! My life, Tim's life, and especially their 3 lives have been forever changed!
The first few days after our kids landed at the airport, we were on cloud 9! But reality soon hit. Especially with kids who are older, and ours aren't even that old, they come with a lot of history and memories and attachment issues. One of the hardest parts of having three kids placed with us, was that I didn't feel like they were mine. I was having the hardest time bonding with them because I had this ideal in my head and the situation wasn't matching up to that ideal. Of course one thing I was dealing with not being able to have biological children, because when three kids are placed with you and you don't feel that automatic attachment that is the first thing you grieve. But I was also not prepared for the constant talk about "other moms" and how much that would effect me in not feeling like these kids were really mine.
I remember crying a lot, and crying to God, how could you give me kids and not allow that motherly bond to happen immediately. You already took away one of my dreams and now you are not allowing me to have this one either??? I feel like I'm babysitting kids that don't belong to me, but belong to other parents and they will never view me as their mom. (I get that this is a little extreme but in the moment this is truly how I felt). And then I felt God tell me in my heart, these kids are not other parents kids, they are HIS. At that moment my heart softened. God was right, they are HIS kids and HE made them for us. And the bonding started happening. God wasn't the one holding back the bonding with my sweet kids, it was me. And there are sooo many more of HIS kids out there waiting for parents.
I ADORE these sweet kids. I have never felt so in love with kids before, and pretty much think they are the most amazing people in the world. They are so funny, and so sweet and sincere. They are grateful. Probably because they know what its like to have the opposite of what we have now. They are friendly and social. They are all so unique and fun. I cant imagine life without them. I am their mom.
And of course, as I am writing about national adoption month, I just got a call saying they are signing off on our consent to adopt and sending it in, so we will finalize really soon!! God is good!!! Adoption is amazing!! My life, Tim's life, and especially their 3 lives have been forever changed!
Friday, October 11, 2013
TJ Day
In my post today, I want to brag on TJ. He is such a sweet boy, not only is he sweet but he has the softest heart and is so loving. He has made the transition to motherhood so much easier on me with his loving words, his gratefulness, and his comedy. Did I mention he is super funny? The boy keeps me laughing all the time. Here are some TJ moments I never want to forget:
-Before he goes to sleep at night, we likes us to listen to his heart and he loves to listen to ours.
-He is ALWAYS telling me that he LOVES my heart.
-The other day we were talking, and he told me that it snowed at his old house and he had squirrels. I said yes, but now you live here in California and we don't have a lot of squirrels and we have to go to the mountains to see snow. He says yes, I like California the best. I say, how come? He replies, because I have you here!
-My ABSOLUTE favorite moment with TJ was when I was putting him to bed one night, and he was telling me about some things that have happened to him when he was younger, and it was very sad. I told him how sorry I am that those things happened to him, and I wish I could have been there to stop them, but they will not happen anymore now that he is with us and he is safe. He looked up at me and said, mom, can I keep you forever?? That was the moment my heart totally fell for this little boy. I said yes, forever and ever and ever.
-When he was playing basketball, he got hit in the head with the ball and since then, he has been covering his head after he shoots. He says, mom, Im" duckeling" from the ball because I don't want to get hit in the head haha. We have been working with him on not hiding from the ball and he finally did it. He said, mom dad will me so proud of me that I didn't duckel!!!
-He has to hug everyone and he talks to anyone about pretty much everything, he is sooo social and friendly and people are drawn to him.
-He mixes up his words and phrases when he talks which I LOVE. He used to always say, are you lying at me?? He also used to always say, I promise about everything. He would tell me, mom, can you help me with this?? If I couldn't at the moment he would tell me, but I promise!!! Not sure what he was promising, but he sure said it! lol.
-He LOVES to cuddle with me, and he hates when anyone kisses him except for me. I LOVE that!
-When I take him to school, he tells me I am not allowed to go anywhere or do anything until after I pick him up so he doesn't miss out lol.
-He is always the first to say thank you, and he says it for everything! Thank you for making my dinner, thank you for cuddling with me, thank you for playing with me.
-When we went to the hospital to see my sister after she had Jude, he went right over to her and said, how is your tummy feeling Kim Kim?? Did you cry when the doctor took the baby out??? She said yes and he rubbed her leg! He is just so sweet and loves to make sure everyone is ok!
-He tells me all the time that he prayed for me when he was at his foster moms house and he cried for me. I know he met me once since we flew out there to meet him, so maybe he is talking about after he met me. I remember being in Kansas when we were leaving them to go home, and he asked me if he could go home with me and it hurt like crazy to have to leave him. He got attached to me quickly, so I'm sure it was hard on him too. I'm sure it was just God's way of preparing us for each other!
TJ has not had an easy life, and I know that he has not received a lot of love and attention, and I am SOO thankful that I get to be the one to change that for him, to gain his trust, and to show him unconditional motherly love. He is such a blessing in my life, and he is more than I could have ever imaged in a son. I cant believe he is going to be 6 in a couple weeks. My mom reminded me that last year at this time, I was working on getting the kids here, and I was hoping he would be here by his birthday. It didn't happen, but this year we get to celebrate with him! God is going to do great things with this sweet boy!
-Before he goes to sleep at night, we likes us to listen to his heart and he loves to listen to ours.
-He is ALWAYS telling me that he LOVES my heart.
-The other day we were talking, and he told me that it snowed at his old house and he had squirrels. I said yes, but now you live here in California and we don't have a lot of squirrels and we have to go to the mountains to see snow. He says yes, I like California the best. I say, how come? He replies, because I have you here!
-My ABSOLUTE favorite moment with TJ was when I was putting him to bed one night, and he was telling me about some things that have happened to him when he was younger, and it was very sad. I told him how sorry I am that those things happened to him, and I wish I could have been there to stop them, but they will not happen anymore now that he is with us and he is safe. He looked up at me and said, mom, can I keep you forever?? That was the moment my heart totally fell for this little boy. I said yes, forever and ever and ever.
-When he was playing basketball, he got hit in the head with the ball and since then, he has been covering his head after he shoots. He says, mom, Im" duckeling" from the ball because I don't want to get hit in the head haha. We have been working with him on not hiding from the ball and he finally did it. He said, mom dad will me so proud of me that I didn't duckel!!!
-He has to hug everyone and he talks to anyone about pretty much everything, he is sooo social and friendly and people are drawn to him.
-He mixes up his words and phrases when he talks which I LOVE. He used to always say, are you lying at me?? He also used to always say, I promise about everything. He would tell me, mom, can you help me with this?? If I couldn't at the moment he would tell me, but I promise!!! Not sure what he was promising, but he sure said it! lol.
-He LOVES to cuddle with me, and he hates when anyone kisses him except for me. I LOVE that!
-When I take him to school, he tells me I am not allowed to go anywhere or do anything until after I pick him up so he doesn't miss out lol.
-He is always the first to say thank you, and he says it for everything! Thank you for making my dinner, thank you for cuddling with me, thank you for playing with me.
-When we went to the hospital to see my sister after she had Jude, he went right over to her and said, how is your tummy feeling Kim Kim?? Did you cry when the doctor took the baby out??? She said yes and he rubbed her leg! He is just so sweet and loves to make sure everyone is ok!
-He tells me all the time that he prayed for me when he was at his foster moms house and he cried for me. I know he met me once since we flew out there to meet him, so maybe he is talking about after he met me. I remember being in Kansas when we were leaving them to go home, and he asked me if he could go home with me and it hurt like crazy to have to leave him. He got attached to me quickly, so I'm sure it was hard on him too. I'm sure it was just God's way of preparing us for each other!
TJ has not had an easy life, and I know that he has not received a lot of love and attention, and I am SOO thankful that I get to be the one to change that for him, to gain his trust, and to show him unconditional motherly love. He is such a blessing in my life, and he is more than I could have ever imaged in a son. I cant believe he is going to be 6 in a couple weeks. My mom reminded me that last year at this time, I was working on getting the kids here, and I was hoping he would be here by his birthday. It didn't happen, but this year we get to celebrate with him! God is going to do great things with this sweet boy!
Dancing in the rain!
Basketball!
LOVES the Swings!!!
Monday, September 23, 2013
Adoption & Infertility
Well I just spent the last hour combining my blogs to this one. It just didn't feel right starting on this blog, and leaving our whole story behind on the other. So now, If you go to the blog archive, its all there, from the first IVF to now.
I am going to be really honest in this blog, as I always try to be. I don't see the point in hiding our feelings, if we feel them, there is a reason for it and we might as well voice and give the feelings life so we can process them. I have been struggling lately. I have felt this empty place in my heart that I cannot seem to stop going to. I feel like its really messing with me, and it is causing me a lot of emotions. I think this whole time I have tried to use adoption to cover up our infertility, but the truth is, adoption or no adoption, we are still infertile. And its a place in my heart I cant just ignore or push aside, because its reality for me. I am trying to find a way to process this, and make some peace with it, because at this moment it really hurts. As I was switching over all the blogs to this site, and I was reading about our first treatment, about my faith, my love for God and other people, my growth, my peace, and ultimately getting my children, I am amazed at how much faith I had in God. And at this point I am wondering where that went. I know it isn't God who moved away from me, its me who moved away from Him. I really don't know how people process such deep, emotional issues, and still find that strong faith in God. I miss it. I want it back. Its hard when you look at things in life, not to get angry at Him. And it sounds ridiculous because God is the giver of good things. But when you see situations happen and you know he can change it but doesn't, its hard not to get angry. I think one of the things that bothers me the most, is when Christians act like it is so easy to just trust God with everything, because the reality is that faith is not easy, faith is hard. Apparently this is another growth season in my life. I just hope that as me and God deal with my feelings in this, and I can show my kids that loving God doesn't mean it always has to be perfect or easy, but that you don't give up. Even when you aren't feeling Him, even when you are angry, that He can handle it. And I know I am a lot to handle.
I am going to be really honest in this blog, as I always try to be. I don't see the point in hiding our feelings, if we feel them, there is a reason for it and we might as well voice and give the feelings life so we can process them. I have been struggling lately. I have felt this empty place in my heart that I cannot seem to stop going to. I feel like its really messing with me, and it is causing me a lot of emotions. I think this whole time I have tried to use adoption to cover up our infertility, but the truth is, adoption or no adoption, we are still infertile. And its a place in my heart I cant just ignore or push aside, because its reality for me. I am trying to find a way to process this, and make some peace with it, because at this moment it really hurts. As I was switching over all the blogs to this site, and I was reading about our first treatment, about my faith, my love for God and other people, my growth, my peace, and ultimately getting my children, I am amazed at how much faith I had in God. And at this point I am wondering where that went. I know it isn't God who moved away from me, its me who moved away from Him. I really don't know how people process such deep, emotional issues, and still find that strong faith in God. I miss it. I want it back. Its hard when you look at things in life, not to get angry at Him. And it sounds ridiculous because God is the giver of good things. But when you see situations happen and you know he can change it but doesn't, its hard not to get angry. I think one of the things that bothers me the most, is when Christians act like it is so easy to just trust God with everything, because the reality is that faith is not easy, faith is hard. Apparently this is another growth season in my life. I just hope that as me and God deal with my feelings in this, and I can show my kids that loving God doesn't mean it always has to be perfect or easy, but that you don't give up. Even when you aren't feeling Him, even when you are angry, that He can handle it. And I know I am a lot to handle.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
I really am conflicted about which blog to keep up! I love the other one, because it has our story from the very beginning, before we did our first treatment, to getting a call on the kids, to actually getting them. But this site will help me connect better with others who have been where we are. I think I have officially decided to switch over to this one, but I am sad to do it! Anyways, onto the real stuff...
So the past few weeks have been some of the hardest on me since God has blessed me with three kids. I have been very emotional, and tired, and drained. My son asked me about two weeks ago if he was in my belly when he was a baby. It was the HARDEST thing to have to tell him no, you weren't, which led to a series of questions and emotions on his part. I completely understand that this sweet boy has been moved around so much, and is so confused by everything that has happened in his short life, and is going to experience a range of emotions in processing this. He cried and cried and cried, telling me he wanted his mommy, some of the hardest words I have had to hear. There is nothing like holding your son who is crying because he wants his "first mom." My heart started breaking. I know how insecure my son is, how scared he is of having to leave our home and go somewhere else, not understanding of why he has been moved around so much, wondering if his first mom loved him, but his insecurities started to bring out mine. From before we got the kids, I wondered, will he feel like I am really his mom? Can I love him as if he were my own child? What if he wants her more than he wants me? Its amazing how emotion can allow your mind to wander in such bad directions. But here we are, facing the reality of our situation - he does have a birth mom, he will want to know about her, he will feel abandoned by her, and I will feel my heart dropping to the floor when he asks about her. I really thought I would be fine when he asked, I didn't expect it to be so soon, but I have thought about this exact situation and how I would handle it, and in my head it went perfectly. I could use some prayer as I am trying to process this. As my heart hurts, it is taking my brain on a roller coaster ride with thoughts and feelings that are not true, but feel very real. As I try not to let my feelings and emotions impact my role as a wife and a mom. I know this is not TJ's fault, and he by no means deserves a lesser mom, he needs a mom who will step up and help and allow him to sort out his feelings, and that is exactly what I am trying to be. To not put my insecurities and feelings on him, because they are mine to deal with and not his, and he should not have to feel bad or guilty for asking questions about the truth of his life. I know what I need to be, and am trying to be, I just need my feelings and my heart to step up and get to where the truth is. If that makes any sense at all.
On a more positive update, the kids have been doing very well, despite the last paragraph. Jessy is talking and talking, and the more she talks the more I fall in love with her. She is such a joy, and when I look at her I just can't believe God choose me to be her mom. Shannon is doing great as well, she is learning so much and as TJ comes home from school, she wants to learn everything he did. With TJ starting school recently, it gives me a chance to spend more time with just the girls. It amazes me how young they start using their imagination, and the things that they can come up with. TJ has started basketball, which he is really enjoying. I cant wait to see his first game! They are all growing like crazy and changing everyday. I cant believe its almost been a year since we got them!
TJ's first basketball practice
LOVE his smile and eyes!
Swinging her baby around. Its amazing how young girls
have the desire to be a mommy one day.
So the past few weeks have been some of the hardest on me since God has blessed me with three kids. I have been very emotional, and tired, and drained. My son asked me about two weeks ago if he was in my belly when he was a baby. It was the HARDEST thing to have to tell him no, you weren't, which led to a series of questions and emotions on his part. I completely understand that this sweet boy has been moved around so much, and is so confused by everything that has happened in his short life, and is going to experience a range of emotions in processing this. He cried and cried and cried, telling me he wanted his mommy, some of the hardest words I have had to hear. There is nothing like holding your son who is crying because he wants his "first mom." My heart started breaking. I know how insecure my son is, how scared he is of having to leave our home and go somewhere else, not understanding of why he has been moved around so much, wondering if his first mom loved him, but his insecurities started to bring out mine. From before we got the kids, I wondered, will he feel like I am really his mom? Can I love him as if he were my own child? What if he wants her more than he wants me? Its amazing how emotion can allow your mind to wander in such bad directions. But here we are, facing the reality of our situation - he does have a birth mom, he will want to know about her, he will feel abandoned by her, and I will feel my heart dropping to the floor when he asks about her. I really thought I would be fine when he asked, I didn't expect it to be so soon, but I have thought about this exact situation and how I would handle it, and in my head it went perfectly. I could use some prayer as I am trying to process this. As my heart hurts, it is taking my brain on a roller coaster ride with thoughts and feelings that are not true, but feel very real. As I try not to let my feelings and emotions impact my role as a wife and a mom. I know this is not TJ's fault, and he by no means deserves a lesser mom, he needs a mom who will step up and help and allow him to sort out his feelings, and that is exactly what I am trying to be. To not put my insecurities and feelings on him, because they are mine to deal with and not his, and he should not have to feel bad or guilty for asking questions about the truth of his life. I know what I need to be, and am trying to be, I just need my feelings and my heart to step up and get to where the truth is. If that makes any sense at all.
On a more positive update, the kids have been doing very well, despite the last paragraph. Jessy is talking and talking, and the more she talks the more I fall in love with her. She is such a joy, and when I look at her I just can't believe God choose me to be her mom. Shannon is doing great as well, she is learning so much and as TJ comes home from school, she wants to learn everything he did. With TJ starting school recently, it gives me a chance to spend more time with just the girls. It amazes me how young they start using their imagination, and the things that they can come up with. TJ has started basketball, which he is really enjoying. I cant wait to see his first game! They are all growing like crazy and changing everyday. I cant believe its almost been a year since we got them!
TJ's first basketball practice
LOVE his smile and eyes!
Jessy is looking so big!
Swinging her baby around. Its amazing how young girls
have the desire to be a mommy one day.
Discovering cute girly clothes, they LOVE to be dressed up!
My girls loving on each other!
Friday, August 2, 2013
Feeling thoughtful
I am in a thoughtful mood today. There are definitely days in life where you sit and think about all God has done and you sit in awe of his miracles. Of course life is hard, and there are also times when you search everywhere and you just can't see God working at all, but the truth is He is, He always is. Being a mom is hard work, its exhausting, it requires a lot of coffee, and most of the time you feel like you are giving so much and receiving so little. But at the same time, it is such a blessing and such a gift. To be able to transform and imprint lives everyday. To be the #1 person in someone's life and to know your opinion and affection matters so significantly. There are times when I think I am doing such an awful job, and then times i feel like the most successful person in the world. God has given me the best and greatest gift and I am so thankful. If you would have asked me what my greatest wish was a year ago, it would have been to get pregnant and have a baby. But if you were to ask me now, I wish that I could go back in time and have had these three beautiful children from the moment they entered this world. To take away their fears of abandonment and to replace it with the understanding of unconditional love. Love that will never send them away, love that would never place them in a new home making them feel like they aren't good enough. To know that such young minds have such big fears breaks my heart. For my daughter to get a new bunk bed and ask my everyday if she gets to keep it. For my son to ask if he has to get a new mom when he gets a little bigger, to have the kids rush to tell me how much they love me after they get in trouble because they are scared. I now have something new I get to trust God with, and that is mending their little hearts and showing them that His love is pure and unconditional, and because of that I can love them unconditionally as well. I know that every hug and every kiss is another step in the direction of them learning that I am not going away. That they are safe and they will not have to move to a new home with a new mom and family ever again. I pray that my approval is always easy for them to get, that they never feel they have to be perfect or do things correctly to win my love and get my acceptance, that it is just already there. I pray that I can show them God's love in a way that they don't feel like that have to search the world for acceptance, but know that they are accepted within our home no matter what. God has done such a huge miracle in our lives, and I am so blessed and thankful that he chose this plan for Tim and I. I wouldn't change it for anything.
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