Adoption

I heard a voice coming from the bathtub, MOM!!! MOM!!!! for the 100th time. Yes this is the word I LONGED to hear for so long, and I frustratingly said, Jessy can you stop screaming at me and just take a bath?? What do you need?? And I hear her little voice say, I am going to miss you when you go on your trip with daddy, and I love you! My heart literally melted, and I ran in there and told her I would miss her too. My mind went backwards to when we first picked her up at the airport and I couldn't even get her to smile. To when I would just cry and cry because as hard as I would try, I could not get this little girl to connect with me. She had more walls up than any 1 year old (at that time) I had ever met, and all of my efforts seemed to be in vain with this little girl because she was so angry. And she had every right to be that way. She had been moved around a lot from foster home to foster home, and to be that little and to have experienced that much pain and broken attachments was too much for her little brain to understand, and she couldn't process it all. Over the past year, I have seen this little girl blossom into this amazing 3 year old, that has captured my heart in a place I never knew she could get to. I see her be so affectionate, kissing my hand, constant I love yous, BIG hugs and tons of smiles and laughs. She even has a favorite stuffed animal now which has gone with us everywhere, and even this small thing is such an answer to prayer. For a little girl to have been through all this, and to pick a "favorite" toy and get attached to it, is a huge deal! This is what I prayed for, in her little life. For her to be less angry, for her to attach to me as well as Tim, for her to know she's loved and to know I will always be her Mom. Of course she is 3 and cannot say that she is feeling all of this, but I have seen it in her whole change of personality. I have recently been attending bible study fellowship with my sisters, and it has been amazing. We have talked a lot about Moses, who was also adopted :). Not only was he adopted by Pharaohs daughter, he was adopted by God. Today our speaker said, when God adopts us he gives us all of Himself and he accepts all of who we are. As I was thinking on this I realized that it is so true. When I adopted my kids, I made the choice to give them all of me, all of my love and affection, my unconditional support and care, to know me better than most of the world does, and I have accepted everything about them. We may be working to change a few things, but I took them in just as they were, broken, hurt and confused, and have helped them to process their feelings and fears and to know a new and better life. I think most of my life I have struggled to know who God is, and I have longed to know Him more. Although no one will ever fully know Him, I have come to know who He is more in the past few weeks than I ever have before. Adoption is a perfect picture of who He is. He takes us as we are, when we hurt-he hurts, when we go through pain-he is in pain with us. My sister said a few weeks ago in class, God is a God of emotions, He experience feelings. That stuck out to me because its so true. He chooses to give Himself to us, and accepts us just as we are, imperfect, and helps us process our hurts and fears and shows us life through his eyes to change our perspective. I once had a lady ask me a while ago that now that I have adopted, do I sense a clearer picture of who God is. I kind of looked at her weird and said ummm no, right now we are pretty much trying to survive each day! When we first got our kids, it was not easy! It was some of the hardest and super emotional times in my life. I wouldn't say parenting is all of the sudden easy now, but it has changed so much and is very different now, in such a good way. But now that we are in a better place with our little ones, and I think back on that question, I get it. I see it. I see what God has done for me more clearly by adopting me. I am so thankful that He has given me this opportunity to rescue 3 little ones, with his help, and is allowing me to get a clearer sense of who He is and what He has done for me.

First Chance

As I reflect on what I named my blog, "first chance" I just think of all of the ways that title has been used in our lives. Our story is one of ups and downs, highs and lows, as everyone's is. I try to be honest so I don't present us as this perfect family who has it all together, because the truth is no matter what anyone "shows" for the world to see, whether its on facebook, appearance, a smile that may be hiding a lot,  everyone has their own battles to face. As I look back on ours, I see both joy and pain, times of faith and times of complete emptiness, times of anger and rage, and times of peace. I remember the brokenness and the hopelessness, and at times still feel it. The thoughts of wonder as to what God was doing, and trying to trust Him in times that I had no idea who He even was or if He even existed. I faced dreams that went unfulfilled and I felt my dreams change as God prepared my heart for new directions. Times where I felt completely unsafe, where I was on a huge cliff and the only way off was to jump. I have seen my marriage at times sink, but I have also seen it endure more than I ever thought that it could. I have seen our hearts grow, as we explored areas that we never wanted to explore. I have seen that brokenness really does cause your faith to grow in ways that happiness could never allow it to grow. I have had to trust with my whole heart, because the road ahead of me was so dark and scary that I had no other choice but to trust the one who created it and could see far beyond what I could. I have been shown awful sides of myself, and I have had to push myself to change and grow. We have jumped in with both feet and complete faith, and we have put up walls to completely keep God out. I have questioned and I have tested and I have doubted. I have taken advantage of what God has given me, and I have ruined some of what He has given me. I have taken the road He wanted me to take, and I have cared less about where He wanted me to go. Yet, He remained faithful to me. As I look back on the many moments of my life, the one things that stayed constant was Him. Even when I didn't feel him around, even when I didn't want him around. When I screamed at Him in anger, or cried to Him with more tears then I even knew I could cry. When I  didn't trust Him, He still remained faithful. Even when he gave me one of my greatest blessings, my heart remained angry at Him, and He still remained faithful. He has given Tim and I more than I could imagine, more than I could ever need. I pray for a soft, satisfied and loving heart. And I pray that I can reflect even a small amount of who God is to my husband and to my kids. That they will know that no matter what happens in their life, I will be faithful. God has once again brought us to a new season in our life. We recently found ourselves, our marriage, and our parenting really struggling. We quickly got ourselves into counseling, but we started seeking some help from a nearby church that we have both been to before and loved, but thought I was too large for us to actually get involved in. We went the first week with no intention of actually attending, but just trying to seek some help because we were lost. I know we make it seem like taking on three kids has been super easy, but it hasn't. Its been such a challenge to keep our marriage on track, to help them exactly where they need it, and to not get too overwhelmed with it all. Sandals Church has met us right where we are at, with couples who have adopted and have lovingly been accepting of us, to offering classes, and setting us up with a couple to meet with a few times a month. Our lives have been changing in the past two months in ways that we haven't seen in a long time. I cannot wait to dive in and get more connected and to see our kids thrive there. One thing is certain, God always brings us just the right people, at just the right times.

Being a Mom is Tough

Lets get real here. This is one thing I SWORE I would not do when I was finally able to have children: to write about how HARD it is to be a mom. I was convinced that once God gave them to me, I would enjoy every moment, even when they were hard because I knew all of the tears I had shed waiting for them. When God went overboard and gave me three at one time, I was ecstatic. I knew I could handle it and handle it well because, after all, God GAVE them to me. He trusted ME with them.
Being a mom is no joke. My sister sent me this online Bible study and right when I read the title of the book they were going through, I knew I wanted to join it with her. The book is called, Am I messing Up my Kids? I joined because I wanted the truth about what others deal with when it comes to being a mom. Its so easy to get caught up in the facebook posts of everyone's kids smiling and happy, and I myself am totally guilty of posting the most precious moments. The truth is, being a mom has a lot more moments that are not precious, they are not easy, and they are more challenging than I can seem to describe on this blog. The study challenged us all to write a blog post on why being a mom is tough, and I'm glad I get to participate
Today is a great example! We went to the park this morning, which was really fun. Then we get kicked out of the park area because TJ rang the doorbell to the "museum house" like 20 times and the lady was not very happy. Of course I post all of the cute pictures, but leave out the getting kicked out part. Then we get home, and I'm ready to get these kids fed and in bed so I can work on designing some flyers (I work from home a few days a week.) I go to turn my computer on, and my monitor is completely dead. I load up the kids back into the car (traveling and shopping with three kids is not a fast thing to do---ever) and off we go to get a monitor. We get home and I feed them and put them in bed, and about 20 minutes later I hear some noises coming from the room. Uh huh. I quietly sneak down the hallway to find out who is the culprit, and I hear TJ and Shan screaming and laughing and throwing toys at each other. I frustratingly yell at them to get back in their beds (yes, yell) and get to sleep (Shan had already been whining the past hour because she was SOOO tired---uh huh). I go back in the living room to sit down and get some work done, and no sooner do I know it, I hear them again! This time they were so loud they woke up their little sister, who needs a nap more than any of them. Jess comes out crying and crying, TJ and Shan are crying because they knew I'm upset that they just woke up Jessy. Toby walks up to Jessy and licks her, and you would have thought the dog just bit her arm off with the way she starting crying hysterically (which means she didn't sleep near enough). And at this moment, I long for my little facebook pictures that show sweet littles smiles hiding all of the craziness that goes on in this little house. Then later I start making some dinner, and I hear some screaming going on outside, and Shan opens the door and screams, MOM JESSY POOPED IN HER BATHING SUIT. Jessy is crying and upset, I go out there to hose her down (yep you read me right) and TJ starts screaming at me that he saw a spider and I needed to kill it right now! I lose it. Do you NOT see that I'm taking care of poop right now?????? (Yes funny now, but not in the moment.) He goes inside crying because I raised my voice and he's sensitive and Jessy is screaming because she has poop all over her. I finally get her clean, and I go inside to find my spaghetti sauce has popped all over the kitchen walls and the stove because I hadn't been in there to stir it.  The feelings of frustration that can rise up inside us moms is hard. Especially with three little ones. And this is just one day!
Your kids show you where you struggle, they start acting out your struggles and failures. If you struggle with anger (which is my huge struggle), you will start to see it coming out in them. I am learning that I need to lean harder on God, because He is the only one who can sustain me through these moments. As my kids are being normal kids, and even the parts of them that are dealing with things that "normal" kids don't have to deal with because of all of their past trauma, I am the one who is with them to teach them and help guide them through life. In these day to day moments when I yell or get frustrated at them, its so easy for Satan to get into my thoughts and get me thinking that I am messing up my kids, that I am not a good mom, that they deserve more and that I will never be what they need. He tries to get me to forget God's mercy, and when I am willing to listen, God reminds me that He did not call me to be a perfect mom, but to be an imperfect one that can show them His grace. When I mess up, I can apologize and show them the side of me that needs forgiveness and that needs God. I am not a perfect mom by any means, I struggle and I don't understand. I get overwhelmed and at times feel really lost in this huge thing called motherhood. Through this Bible study, I am glad that I am seeing I don't have to be perfect, and that other moms struggle just as I do!

You can view the Bible Study Blog by clicking on the picture below if you want to join :)

Glimpse

I love when God gives me a glimpse of things through His eyes. Sometimes life can be so full of chaos, and things to get done, and time being given out in a ton of different directions, and you lose sight of what God has for you. This is one reason that I LOVE to take pictures, it allows me to slow down and to see moments, to really see them down to the smallest detail. At times, in the midst of motherhood, dealing with constant arguing and discipline, it is so easy to lose sight of how precious these little ones are. To see how their little eyes light up when I just put everything down and focus only on them. To see how much they yearn to be known, to be loved fully to the smallest detail of who they are, to be encouraged and to know that I, their mommy, notice how good they are at doing the smallest things. Being a mommy is such a huge job, to know you are shaping a small child and that their experiences with you will be how they experience the world. I have relied on myself for so long to meet their needs, and I was so lost in it all. Lately, we have been going through a huge learning journey in the Mantzey household. We are actually seeking God in things, and learning to trust Him. I have prayed more for my sweet kids in the last few weeks then I ever have, and I love that God is giving me the strength I need to shape and care for them as He would want them to be cared for.  This is the greatest task God has ever entrusted Tim and I with, loving kids who come from backgrounds that already shaped them in ways that we have to help them work through. It is so hard at times, but there are the sweetest moments along the journey that make my heart melt. I SEE them growing and changing. I see them taking the small steps to really trust us. This morning Jessy climbed on my lap and said, mommy I hear your heart, it says, "I love Jessy." I tell her this all the time, but its the first time she's ever said it to me first. Our sweet 3 year old has the hardest time out of all 3 of the kids allowing us into her heart, so moments like these are so amazing. There are occasionally still the questions, are you still my mom? Will I still be living here? Will you leave me? Was I in your belly when I was a baby? But these questions are happening a lot less often as we are slowly starting to see them gain more confidence in who they are and security in our love for them. I cannot imagine being so small and wondering if this home will last forever, I am so lucky that I was born into security, love and stability. I love to see their sweet personalities just coming out. They are all so funny, and their laughter is contagious. I am so in love with them from their sweet curls, to their big blue eyes, their amazing spirits and their openness to trust us.

Challenge

What a year it has been so far! I truly want and long to be as honest and real as I can so that God can use our journey, our circumstances, and our trials and they are not wasted. This year has been pretty hard so far, physically, emotionally and as a family.

Physically, I had been getting some really bad stomach pains, and my sweet husband made me go to the doctor. (Thanks Tim). After some testing at the doctor they found two cysts on my ovary that are not "normal" looking, and then discovered a lump during a routine physical at the same appointment. I was freaking out. I came home crying and scared, and faced the next few days with the urgency to have them over so I could find out what was going on. I met with the surgeon which calmed our minds about the lump, but did find out I needed surgery for the cysts (which will be happening in a few days). Combine that with the random vertigo that I had for over a month,  passing out for the first time ever a few weeks ago, breaking my toe recently, and it has been a scary few months! I had an EKG to make sure everything was ok with my heart since I passed out, and it all came back clear, thank God.

Besides the physical challenges I have been facing so far this year, we have also been seeking some help to keep our new family of 5 headed in the right direction. As TJ has started school, he has faced some challenges, and our sweet (at least she is sweet sometimes haha) little 3 year old has needed some help with developing healthy attachments and working through some anger and frustration that she has. Parenting is such hard work, and parenting three children who have been through trauma, abuse, new homes, new families, and broken trust has definitely proven to have its difficulties. Trying to meet their many needs, as well as keep things healthy in our marriage is quite the task. Trying to gain the trust of kids who have had their trust broken so many times has been challenging, and they already ask a lot of questions about whose belly they were in, where they come from, etc. I am grateful that God chose us to help heal these sweet kids, but overwhelmed at the same time. We have also had challenges hit our marriage from many different directions, and we are in the process of trying to heal and overcome while finding the support and help that we need to do things, and to heal in the right way.

Over the past two weeks, God has shown me something that I have been ignoring for a while. He is breaking me so that I rely on Him. God has shown me how much anger I have towards Him after facing infertility, how much anger I have towards "the church." Not a specific church, just church in general. How WRONG my view is of Him. How much I try to do on my own. How often I claim to be a "Christian" but that is all it is, an appearance based claim. How I never go to Him, how I lack trust in Him, and how I am so overwhelmed because I face every situation without Him, and without seeking His direction. I don't have his peace because I don't allow Him to give it to me. We may have "standards" we live by, but we don't live by them because of our love for Him, its because of the appearance of being Christian and what we are "supposed" to do. We have recently been seeking help through Sandals Church, which has been amazing for us. We are learning to be "real" with where we are at, our deepest struggles. God has allowed situations in my life to happen that have caused my heart to break and its hard to trust Him to be the one to heal my heart. To admit that I cannot do this on my own, even though I have tried. Obviously this blog has been a place for me to share our journey, to be real and so many people have followed it and been there for us through it. I can tell that the next step for Tim and I is going to be the most important step. I thought having kids would be the most important step, but God has used our sweet kids to show me even more how I cannot do this journey without Him.

I cannot say I'm much farther along than this at the moment, I havent just gained trust for Him overnight, and the anger that I feel towards church/God is not just gone. But as I said, its a journey, and there are certain things God is doing in our lives and certain people He recently brought into our lives that are challenging me and my views. That are praying for us because we were real and honest and open with them. That know exactly where we are at, and are committed to help us. Seeing God's grace through this, even as I type it out, is softening my heart little by little to Him.

National Adoption Month

This month is national adoption month, which of course I FULLY support! Even as I am writing this I have my three little ones right by me all needing my attention lol. I definitely cannot say that adoption has been the easiest road, or even the easiest adjustment, but it has been totally and completely worth it.
The first few days after our kids landed at the airport, we were on cloud 9! But reality soon hit. Especially with kids who are older, and ours aren't even that old, they come with a lot of history and memories and attachment issues. One of the hardest parts of having three kids placed with us, was that I didn't feel like they were mine. I was having the hardest time bonding with them because I had this ideal in my head and the situation wasn't matching up to that ideal. Of course one thing I was dealing with not being able to have biological children, because when three kids are placed with you and you don't feel that automatic attachment that is the first thing you grieve. But I was also not prepared for the constant talk about "other moms" and how much that would effect me in not feeling like these kids were really mine.
I remember crying a lot, and crying to God, how could you give me kids and not allow that motherly bond to happen immediately. You already took away one of my dreams and now you are not allowing me to have this one either??? I feel like I'm babysitting kids that don't belong to me, but belong to other parents and they will never view me as their mom. (I get that this is a little extreme but in the moment this is truly how I felt). And then I felt God tell me in my heart, these kids are not other parents kids, they are HIS. At that moment my heart softened. God was right, they are HIS kids and HE made them for us. And the bonding started happening. God wasn't the one holding back the bonding with my sweet kids, it was me. And there are sooo many more of HIS kids out there waiting for parents.
I ADORE these sweet kids. I have never felt so in love with kids before, and pretty much think they are the most amazing people in the world. They are so funny, and so sweet and sincere. They are grateful. Probably because they know what its like to have the opposite of what we have now. They are friendly and social. They are all so unique and fun. I cant imagine life without them. I am their mom.
And of course, as I am writing about national adoption month, I just got a call saying they are signing off on our consent to adopt and sending it in, so we will finalize really soon!! God is good!!! Adoption is amazing!! My life, Tim's life, and especially their 3 lives have been forever changed!

TJ Day

In my post today, I want to brag on TJ. He is such a sweet boy, not only is he sweet but he has the softest heart and is so loving. He has made the transition to motherhood so much easier on me with his loving words, his gratefulness, and his comedy. Did I mention he is super funny? The boy keeps me laughing all the time. Here are some TJ moments I never want to forget:

-Before he goes to sleep at night, we likes us to listen to his heart and he loves to listen to ours.
-He is ALWAYS telling me that he LOVES my heart.
-The other day we were talking, and he told me that it snowed at his old house and he had squirrels. I said yes, but now you live here in California and we don't have a lot of squirrels and we have to go to the mountains to see snow. He says yes, I like California the best. I say, how come? He replies, because I have you here!
-My ABSOLUTE favorite moment with TJ was when I was putting him to bed one night, and he was telling me about some things that have happened to him when he was younger, and it was very sad. I told him how sorry I am that those things happened to him, and I wish I could have been there to stop them, but they will not happen anymore now that he is with us and he is safe. He looked up at me and said, mom, can I keep you forever?? That was the moment my heart totally fell for this little boy. I said yes, forever and ever and ever.
-When he was playing basketball, he got hit in the head with the ball and since then, he has been covering his head after he shoots. He says, mom, Im" duckeling" from the ball because I don't want to get hit in the head haha. We have been working with him on not hiding from the ball and he finally did it. He said, mom dad will me so proud of me that I didn't duckel!!!
-He has to hug everyone and he talks to anyone about pretty much everything, he is sooo social and friendly and people are drawn to him.
-He mixes up his words and phrases when he talks which I LOVE. He used to always say, are you lying at me?? He also used to always say, I promise about everything. He would tell me, mom, can you help me with this?? If I couldn't at the moment he would tell me, but I promise!!! Not sure what he was promising, but he sure said it! lol.
-He LOVES to cuddle with me, and he hates when anyone kisses him except for me. I LOVE that!
-When I take him to school, he tells me I am not allowed to go anywhere or do anything until after I pick him up so he doesn't miss out lol.
-He is always the first to say thank you, and he says it for everything! Thank you for making my dinner, thank you for cuddling with me, thank you for playing with me.
-When we went to the hospital to see my sister after she had Jude, he went right over to her and said, how is your tummy feeling Kim Kim?? Did you cry when the doctor took the baby out??? She said yes and he rubbed her leg! He is just so sweet and loves to make sure everyone is ok!
-He tells me all the time that he prayed for me when he was at his foster moms house and he cried for me. I know he met me once since we flew out there to meet him, so maybe he is talking about after he met me. I remember being in Kansas when we were leaving them to go home, and he asked me if he could go home with me and it hurt like crazy to have to leave him. He got attached to me quickly, so I'm sure it was hard on him too. I'm sure it was just God's way of preparing us for each other!

TJ has not had an easy life, and I know that he has not received a lot of love and attention, and I am SOO thankful that I get to be the one to change that for him, to gain his trust, and to show him unconditional motherly love. He is such a blessing in my life, and he is more than I could have ever imaged in a son. I cant believe he is going to be 6 in a couple weeks. My mom reminded me that last year at this time, I was working on getting the kids here, and I was hoping he would be here by his birthday. It didn't happen, but this year we get to celebrate with him! God is going to do great things with this sweet boy!

Dancing in the rain!

Basketball!

LOVES the Swings!!!

Adoption & Infertility

Well I just spent the last hour combining my blogs to this one. It just didn't feel right starting on this blog, and leaving our whole story behind on the other. So now, If you go to the blog archive, its all there, from the first IVF to now.

I am going to be really honest in this blog, as I always try to be. I don't see the point in hiding our feelings, if we feel them, there is a reason for it and we might as well voice and give the feelings life so we can process them. I have been struggling lately. I have felt this empty place in my heart that I cannot seem to stop going to. I feel like its really messing with me, and it is causing me a lot of emotions. I think this whole time I have tried to use adoption to cover up our infertility, but the truth is, adoption or no adoption, we are still infertile. And its a place in my heart I cant just ignore or push aside, because its reality for me. I am trying to find a way to process this, and make some peace with it, because at this moment it really hurts. As I was switching over all the blogs to this site, and I was reading about our first treatment, about my faith, my love for God and other people, my growth, my peace, and ultimately getting my children, I am amazed at how much faith I had in God. And at this point I am wondering where that went. I know it isn't God who moved away from me, its me who moved away from Him. I really don't know how people process such deep, emotional issues, and still find that strong faith in God. I miss it. I want it back. Its hard when you look at things in life, not to get angry at Him. And it sounds ridiculous because God is the giver of good things. But when you see situations happen and you know he can change it but doesn't, its hard not to get angry. I think one of the things that bothers me the most, is when Christians act like it is so easy to just trust God with everything, because the reality is that faith is not easy, faith is hard. Apparently this is another growth season in my life. I just hope that as me and God deal with my feelings in this, and I can show my kids that loving God doesn't mean it always has to be perfect or easy, but that you don't give up. Even when you aren't feeling Him, even when you are angry, that He can handle it. And I know I am a lot to handle.

I really am conflicted about which blog to keep up! I love the other one, because it has our story from the very beginning, before we did our first treatment, to getting a call on the kids, to actually getting them. But this site will help me connect better with others who have been where we are. I think I have officially decided to switch over to this one, but I am sad to do it! Anyways, onto the real stuff...

So the past few weeks have been some of the hardest on me since God has blessed me with three kids. I have been very emotional, and tired, and drained. My son asked me about two weeks ago if he was in my belly when he was a baby. It was the HARDEST thing to have to tell him no, you weren't, which led to a series of questions and emotions on his part. I completely understand that this sweet boy has been moved around so much, and is so confused by everything that has happened in his short life, and is going to experience a range of emotions in processing this. He cried and cried and cried, telling me he wanted his mommy, some of the hardest words I have had to hear. There is nothing like holding your son who is crying because he wants his "first mom." My heart started breaking. I know how insecure my son is, how scared he is of having to leave our home and go somewhere else, not understanding of why he has been moved around so much, wondering if his first mom loved him, but his insecurities started to bring out mine. From before we got the kids, I wondered, will he feel like I am really his mom? Can I love him as if he were my own child? What if he wants her more than he wants me? Its amazing how emotion can allow your mind to wander in such bad directions. But here we are, facing the reality of our situation - he does have a birth mom, he will want to know about her, he will feel abandoned by her, and I will feel my heart dropping to the floor when he asks about her. I really thought I would be fine when he asked, I didn't expect it to be so soon, but I have thought about this exact situation and how I would handle it, and in my head it went perfectly. I could use some prayer as I am trying to process this. As my heart hurts, it is taking my brain on a roller coaster ride with thoughts and feelings that are not true, but feel very real. As I try not to let my feelings and emotions impact my role as a wife and a mom. I know this is not TJ's fault, and he by no means deserves a lesser mom, he needs a mom who will step up and help and allow him to sort out his feelings, and that is exactly what I am trying to be. To not put my insecurities and feelings on him, because they are mine to deal with and not his, and he should not have to feel bad or guilty for asking questions about the truth of his life. I know what I need to be, and am trying to be, I just need my feelings and my heart to step up and get to where the truth is. If that makes any sense at all.

On a more positive update, the kids have been doing very well, despite the last paragraph. Jessy is talking and talking, and the more she talks the more I fall in love with her. She is such a joy, and when I look at her I just can't believe God choose me to be her mom. Shannon is doing great as well, she is learning so much and as TJ comes home from school, she wants to learn everything he did. With TJ starting school recently, it gives me a chance to spend more time with just the girls. It amazes me how young they start using their imagination, and the things that they can come up with. TJ has started basketball, which he is really enjoying. I cant wait to see his first game! They are all growing like crazy and changing everyday. I cant believe its almost been a year since we got them!

                                                         
                                                            TJ's first basketball practice

                                                              LOVE his smile and eyes!

Jessy is looking so big! 

                                              Swinging her baby around. Its amazing how young girls
                                                       have the desire to be a mommy one day.

Discovering cute girly clothes, they LOVE to be dressed up!

My girls loving on each other!

Feeling thoughtful

I am in a thoughtful mood today. There are definitely days in life where you sit and think about all God has done and you sit in awe of his miracles. Of course life is hard, and there are also times when you search everywhere and you just can't see God working at all, but the truth is He is, He always is. Being a mom is hard work, its exhausting, it requires a lot of coffee, and most of the time you feel like you are giving so much and receiving so little. But at the same time, it is such a blessing and such a gift. To be able to transform and imprint lives everyday. To be the #1 person in someone's life and to know your opinion and affection matters so significantly. There are times when I think I am doing such an awful job, and then times i feel like the most successful person in the world. God has given me the best and greatest gift and I am so thankful. If you would have asked me what my greatest wish was a year ago, it would have been to get pregnant and have a baby. But if you were to ask me now, I wish that I could go back in time and have had these three beautiful children from the moment they entered this world. To take away their fears of abandonment and to replace it with the understanding of unconditional love. Love that will never send them away, love that would never place them in a new home making them feel like they aren't good enough. To know that such young minds have such big fears breaks my heart. For my daughter to get a new bunk bed and ask my everyday if she gets to keep it. For my son to ask if he has to get a new mom when he gets a little bigger, to have the kids rush to tell me how much they love me after they get in trouble because they are scared. I now have something new I get to trust God with, and that is mending their little hearts and showing them that His love is pure and unconditional, and because of that I can love them unconditionally as well. I know that every hug and every kiss is another step in the direction of them learning that I am not going away. That they are safe and they will not have to move to a new home with a new mom and family ever again. I pray that my approval is always easy for them to get, that they never feel they have to be perfect or do things correctly to win my love and get my acceptance, that it is just already there. I pray that I can show them God's love in a way that they don't feel like that have to search the world for acceptance, but know that they are accepted within our home no matter what. God has done such a huge miracle in our lives, and I am so blessed and thankful that he chose this plan for Tim and I. I wouldn't change it for anything.

Life as We Know It

                          Life has definitely changed in the Mantzey household! I was reading over the last entry that I wrote, and it was when we went to kansas to meet the kids for the first time. Here we are 7 months later, with a whole new world in front of us! Its amazing how kids can just show you life from a new perspective. Everything is so new and so exciting and special to them, and it makes you realize how precious life truly is. There are obviously really good times, and really hard ones as well. We are bonding so well as a family, it really is crazy to think that 8 months ago, we didn't even know these kids. I feel like I have had them forever. Their little personalities are just shining through as they are getting very comfortable with us. It amazes me how much they act like us already, I can see me in each of them. God really designed them for us. I would say some of the hardest parts is learning how to handle 3 kids. Handling fights, dealing with stubbornness (Jessy is very stubborn), learning to stay consistent, learning their likes and dislikes and what makes them each feel loved. Hearing constantly about their "other foster mom" was really hard on me for a while, but that is finally calming down some. Teaching them to be more independent has been one of our main focuses. When they first got here they needed everything done for them, and would hardly do anything on their own. With Tim working long days, it was so exhausting to try to keep up with all of their needs, so I started making them do some things on their own, and they actually really enjoyed it. Shannon gets so excited when she does something new for the first time and yells out, "its because im a big sister!" We have also focused a lot on being nice to each other and forming bonds with each other. Things were getting really good between the three of them, and then Jessy hit a new stage! She really enjoys picking on the older two, pulling hair, taking their things, knocking their stuff over, and just being mean. As i mentioned earlier, Jess is a stubborn little girl, so trying to figure out ways to discipline her has been interesting. Thankfully I have a lot of great mothers I know that I have been able to get advice from and we are slowly working through it. I would say another hard part is the constant noise. Its sooo different going from the two of us, to three kids who all have so many different emotions and moods and talk all the time haha. We are learning how to be parents, and to put our marriage as a priority as well. At first it was so hard because the kids required so much from us we could hardly focus on "us." Now that we are getting a lot of their behaviors a little more in control, we are trying to figure out how to get things going smoothly with us again. And of course there is our relationships with God. For a long time, I was actually feeling really angry at Him to be honest. When we decided to take these kids, one of the other choices we had was to adopt a baby. We had met with the birthmom and she really wanted us to do it, but I just felt like three new kids and a new baby would be way to much for me and I didnt want to give less to the kids then they deserved because I was stressed. But my heart hardened towards God for making me choose, it was the one choice I didn't want to have to make, and I felt so angry at Him. It was the hardest thing in the world to have to call up this birthmom and tell her no, we couldnt do it. It broke my heart into a thousand pieces, and she is on my mind a lot. The baby was born a few months ago, and she decided to keep him and I pray that they are doing well. My relationship with God is finally getting back on track, sometimes you just have to let it all out and know that God can handle it. We are also now going back to our previous church, Imagine Church, and even though it has only been a few weeks the love of the people there for us, as well as the kids, is already softening my heart as it did the last time we went there. They just show God's love so well and embrace our family in a way I have never felt before. Continue to pray for us as we adjust to life with three kids, as we show them God's love and the love of parents who adore them. Life is so joyful again, and everyone who sees me tells me how happy I look and how much joy is in my eyes, and I LOVE it!! ,, but

 

I wanted to start a new blog page, since we are now on a new journey and this one seems a lot easier to get to and follow. God is so amazing. After our 3 1/2 year journey on the infertility road, he has blessed us with the three most amazing kids ever. I don't want to paint a picture as if its all been really easy, because it hasn't. But overall, as I look at these beautiful kids, I cannot believe that God has given them to us, and it still is hard to even believe they are OURS! TJ is such a blessing to me personally. I LOVE having a boy, and he LOVES having a mom. I can pretty much count on every hour hearing, I love you  mom and I need to give you a kiss. He has such a sweet heart and he is so funny. We were driving to his grandparents house and he saw a truck pulling a boat. He says, Mom why is that boat on the road? I said the truck is probably pulling it to the lake. He replies, Mom are you lying at me??? I laugh and say no I'm not lying TJ. He said I don't see a lake, you are lying at me, now I have my eyes closed and my arms folded hahaha. He has such a personality and phrases things in the funniest way. Shannon is a beautiful little girl, and she loves to laugh and play. She can be sweet, but she is a feisty little girl as well. She doesn't seem to cling to me or Tim more, she is pretty even. She loves to brush my hair, and loves to be tickled and get lots of attention. When we meet people, she is usually the one that attracts their attention right away and loves it. She LOVES to dance and has the cutest expressions. She is also a little stubborn, which secretly I really like in kids. I'm always drawn to the ones that challenge me some. And of course, there is Jessy, or Jessy girl as her auntie Kim Kim calls her. Now Jessy is a personality all on her own. She is a STUBBORN little girl, and she knows what she wants and isn't afraid to let us know exactly what that is. If she tries to do something and cannot do it, she gets super frustrated and ends up screaming until we help her. She doesn't usually laugh and things the other kids laugh at, but when she is laughing you cant help but laugh too because she is so funny. If I tell her not to do something, she will look right at me and do it and smile the whole way through because she knows she is pushing my button. She LOVES her grandma, and if grandma is around she gets sooo excited. She also adores her daddy, and when he gets home from work she runs and plays and laughs so much and I love watching them love each other.

Going from 0 to 3 kids has been crazy! Our whole lives have changed, and we are still adjusting to exactly what that means. We have dealt with crazy fits from the kids, kicking, screaming, kicking walls, spitting, lots of fun things. It has not been this magical transition, its been hard and we have had to work super hard. There have been lots of tears and lots of hugs. We have had to do a lot of time outs and teaching the kids what is ok and what isn't and they have not enjoyed that part very much haha. I am amazed how far they have come in the short time they have been here. They have calmed down so much, and we haven't had a crazy fit in over two weeks, its been so amazing.  I cannot say that I felt right away like they were mine, its been an emotional journey at times, and I am still realizing that God made them just for me! They are so much like us, and I cannot imagine us creating any better kids for our personalities than these ones. We just adore them! I really want to keep this blog updated for my own sake, I want to remember this journey and look back and read it in years to come. God has created an amazing story for Tim and I, and I am so glad He did!

Kansas

I was looking back on all of the entries that I have written, and my first one that I posted was in March of 2011 on this site. What a journey! I am amazed as I read back through the entries at what God had us walk through to get to this point. They were the hardest times of my life as I struggled to follow God on a road that I did not understand and did not want to be on, but that He had planned for me and Tim way before we were even born. This last weekend brought so much joy to my heart. And now I get to share it with you! So heres the journey of the last weekend!



When arrived in Kansas around 12, and we were going to see the kids until 4. Tim and I were both exhausted after taking a red eye flight that landed at 3 a.m. our time but it was 6 a.m. minnesota time. There we had a three hour layover before we got on our plane to Kansas. I slept about 4 hours altogether and Tim had slept about 1 hour, but when we got to Kansas we were so excited we couldn't sleep. So finally the moment arrived when we got to meet the kids! Their foster mom told me that Shannon was a little scared and in my heart I was so worried the kids wouldn't want to go with us for the weekend, and I was trying to trust God to make their hearts ready for us. Their social worker took us into their play room area, and we waited for them to get there with our hearts racing. Then, I could hear their little voices walking towards our room. I was sooo excited and nervous and I wanted to jump out of my seat and hug them but thought that probably wasnt the best idea. TJ and Shannon ran right up to us and they had made a special book of pictures of them from the past year and were so excited to show it to us. Before we knew it we were all on the ground playing and throwing them up in the air, and even little Jessie started warming up to us and wanting us to throw her around too. There was lots of giggles and laughter and it was amazing! The kids loved the gifts I made for them, and all weekend took their blankets with them everywhere we went. TJ was ready to go with us right away, wanting us to take him to Burger King and making it clear he was ready to leave now haha. So we loaded them up and off we went! We found our way to Burger King and went out to the play area, and to be honest, it was crazy! We had not gotten any napkins, and the kids apparently hate to be dirty. They were spilling things and getting things on them and freaking out and Tim was running back and forth to get more and more napkins. Its funny now though. We went back to the motel room and played and the kids went to bed. On Saturday we woke up, ate some breakfast at the motel (grabbed plenty of napkins this time), and we got to facetime with my parents. The kids loved them! We headed to the zoo and it was so amazing! Shannon started calling us mommy and daddy right away which felt so nice to hear. Her and Jessyca loved us, but they especially loved Tim! When we were in the car Shannon would say, "daddy will you hold my hand?" which he did everytime while he was driving. Jessyca loved Tim to hold her and cuddle her and it was so sweet to watch. TJ on the other hand loved me! He was always wanting me to hug him and play with him and hold his hand. It was so special! He would watch me get ready in the morning and we would hug in between my morning tasks lol. At one point at the zoo, TJ had to sit down for a little bit and was SCREAMING and Jessie was exhausted and was SCREAMING and it was CRAZY! We held strong though and worked through it. On Sunday, we were planning on going to the space center, but everything was closed and it was freezing in Kansas. So we went back to the motel and hung out pretty much all day. It was hard having 3 kid locked up inside with no naps and nowhere to go. We came up with some fun ideas to entertain them, a dance party, throwing bouncy balls around the hallway, things like that. But the time we had together was so special throughout the craziness. We had a lot of laughter, hugging, smiles, and giggling and also screaming, crying, time outs, and kids arguing. Talk about being thrown into parenting right away haha. Monday was our last day, and Jessie had to leave early because she had a drs appointment. We were getting her ready when the fire alarm at the motel started going off, and all of the sudden we had a bunch of motel staff in our room helping grab the kids and their jackets and blankets and shoes and getting us all out of the motel. Their was a fire in the laundry room. So we sat in the car waiting to go back into the motel, and the foster mom came and got Jess. Jess was crying because she didn't want to leave us and she was in the foster mom's car with her hands out to me screaming. It was so hard :(. We took the older two kids to a different zoo and walked around some and played at the park, then had lunch before we had to take them back. TJ kept asking me if he could go on the plane with me, because he wanted to live with me and see me everyday. It was so hard to leave them. Shannon also asked if she could come with us. I sure hope things move quickly because I want them here now. As Tim and I were driving back to the airport, we all of the sudden were missing all of the constant fighting between the kids in the backseat. We miss them so much, we cannot wait til they are here and they get to meet everyone! Their foster mom said we can talk to them on the phone until the happens, which is great! Thank you all for your many prayers and support! I am so thankful for the many text messages and all of the love that we received while out there and even now! It been such a journey and it has been so amazing having so many people share it with us!!

 

A Dream Come True

First of all, I seriously can't believe I FINALLY get to post about adopting children!! All of my posts have been about trying to get pregnant and wanting kids, and I have always dreamed of the day when I could post about ACTUAL children that are going to be welcomed into our home! God works in mysterious ways for sure. "My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the LORD. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine." Isaiah 55:8. I believe Tim and I are living proof of the truth in this verse. All of this time that we have been trying to get pregnant, along with all of the shots, the treatments, the decisions, the emotions that I never thought I could get through, the pain and all of the heartache has led us to this moment. We have been trying to get pregnant for almost 4 years, and God is blessing us with a child that is 4 years old. This means that God has been working and knew all along that over the past 4 years of our struggle, there was a little boy out there that was already created who would need a Godly home, and that it was Tim and I who were to adopt him. I can just picture God holding me through all of these years and all of my tears, thinking of this little boy who would soon be my child and telling me that He has plans for me far beyond I could even imagine. So lets back up a little here. Its going to seem like a HUGE backup, but lets go back to the time in my life when I was 8 years old. When I was 8 years old, God brought me two more sisters through the miracle of adoption. I had grown up with them as well as their brothers, we all went to church together, and when God brought the two girls into our lives we were thrilled! I didn't realize at the time that God would use this situation to meet the need in my life of wanting a child. A few months ago, my sister's biological brother called me and asked me if we would be willing to adopt his children. To be this showed a HUGE sacrifice on his part as he was willing to look past his own desire to be their dad, and to give them more than he could do on his own. He had seen a recent family picture of my whole family, and he had seen how his sister's lives had changed by being apart of the "Lackey Clan" and he knew he wanted the same for his children. Tim and I prayed about the decision, and we were thrilled! I got into contact with the kid's social worker and started working everything out with her along with all of the paperwork that comes with an out of state adoption. Things have gone so smoothly, its almost scary to me because i'm used to more bumps in the road. It doesnt seem real! The paperwork is almost done, and we get to go visit the kids on the 9th and meet them for the first time! Right now they have a book of Tim and I and our family that they are looking at to prepare for our visit. We get to spend two straight days with them, even keep them overnight! My heart feels like its flying! If everything keeps going so smoothly, we could have the kids by Christmas! Please continue to pray for us as we meet them. God has arranged this, and it is far beyond what I could have ever imagined. It is so amazing to me how my parents were able to help my sisters, and now Tim and I get to help the next generation of their biological family. I would have never have thought this up in a million years, and it is something that only the God of this universe could have brought all together. My love for Him through this whole process of infertility and adoption now has grown tremendously, but even better is that I can feel His love for me like never before.

 

Prayer

So I am posting this journal to ask for prayer, and a TON of it! Tim and I are being given the chance to adopt not one, but three children! They are siblings, a boy and two girls, ages 1, 3 and 4. We are so excited! We know that we can provide these children with a loving home, and we are thrilled at the chance to adopt them with open hearts that have been praying for this moment for almost 4 years!

The process works like this, the children are out of state, so the papers and our homestudy transfer to the department in California that handles out of state adoptions. They look at our paperwork, and look at the children's folder and determine if we are accepted to adopt them or not. Right now we are working on adopting the 1 year old, and if we can get approved to adopt her then we will have a huge chance of getting the other two since they are related.

So right now, the paperwork is about to travel to California, so that this person, whoever it is, can determine if it is a good match. They dont meet us, its all off of the paperwork. Needless to say, it is stressful! Over the next few weeks they will determine if we can adopt these children.

So we need PRAYER and lots of it! The situation seems perfect for us, and we pray that whoever this person is that needs to approve us sees it the same way. God is in control and if He wants us to have these children we will, but it is hard to remember that when its all going on! Just pray for all the people involved and that there arent too many hang ups along the way!

Blessings

Im sure you have all heard the song blessings, heres the chorus:
what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

I love this song and have spent time listening to each word of it and memorizing them, and claiming them for my own life. A while ago when I heard it, I could relate to it but I didn't fully understand each line. what if your blessings come through raindrops, Tim and I have been rained on hard the past year, and i wouldn't even call them rain drops I would say it was the whole storm! But I didn't feel blessed during this time, I was just waiting for it to be over so we could experience the blessing. Or the last line, What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise, how the heck is a trial God's mercy? We are facing hopefully one of the biggest trials of our life, and I wouldn't have called it mercy. We have finally passed our homestudy, which was in itself a hard journey and it has helped things to mostly calm down, and over past two months of our lives, I have learned and felt some incredible things!  I now understand the lyrics, because I am feeling a joy in my heart that I have never felt before, AND we still DO NOT have a child! Its crazy! I remember someone who had also gone through inferility telling me I would get to the point where I could give it all to God and feel peace, and I thought she was seriously insane. There was no way. God has shown me that He is a BIG God, and He has me covered and has a plan for me. It has been so amazing to just be able to relax with my husband the past months and enjoy what we have together, and to make it even greater! To trust that God has this covered and to be able to focus on other things and to continue to discover who I am and to continue to grow confident in that person. I know I have said this before, but my perspective of people and the world, and of God a few years ago, and my perspective now is completely different. It amazes me still. I honestly never thought I could have relationships with people that were so honest and open and caring. It still amazes me as I go through my days and spend time investing into all of these people God has placed in my life, that I had missed all of this before. I am learning what it means to follow God, to be loved completely by Him no matter what. I am learning how to have a relationship with Him and He is showing me how to love others. I have spent time with amazing people, learn to make the greatest cookies (thanks Heather), cut my hair off haha, gone to the beach a lot, enjoyed and laughed with my husband, and have just had fun! I keep reminding myself that I will only live one time, and I don't want to waste it. God has taken me way out of what I was comfortable with and it has been an amazing journey, and He has used infertility to make me completly rely upon Him because I have absolutely NO control over it, even if I wanted to. It isn't a situation where I can change my mind and say, O wait, thanks for trying God but I think ill just take that one back and handle it on my own. I can do nothing. I have to TRUST Him. I know I post all of these things when I am doing well and have processed things, but this has been a hard journey. I have had to make decisions that I honestly could have ever have imagined I would have to make, I have had to experience feelings that I never want to feel again. Even yesterday when I was talking to my friend, she said, man it seems like all anyone has to do to get pregnant is hang around you. It does feel true, everyone around me gets pregnant quickly and I think this whole journey someone close to me has been pregnant the whole time. Its a balancing act learning how to be happy for them, yet to also know its ok to be sad for me, but to not let it drag me down too low. To learn what I can and cannot handle, and to learn how God has created me to be in the process. I know people go through hard things, things that they honestly do not think they can handle, but know this, there is an amazing God who truly loves you. So many times when things are hard we are so busy wondering why God would allow this to happen to us, that we can miss the journey that may just explain the reasoning. You could miss the growth that comes when God does allow something to happen in your life that feels unbearable. I truly want to be a person that loves and prays for others when they are facing the hard times, because that is what gets them through it. If you have anything that I can keep you in prayer for, please comment it on this post or email it to me. I will write it down and keep it personal, and pray for you.

 

No Subject

I got to hang out with one of my great friends, Diana today. She asked me when I was going to post in my blog next because it really speaks to her when I do. I have had one written for a few weeks, but wasnt sure if I was going to post it because I didn't know if I was just dragging people down with all of this stuff going on in our lives. But since she asked me to, I am going to post it.

Sometimes life just feels like a huge roller coaster ride. That pretty much describes the past few months of mine and Tim's lives, past years actually. But the past few months have been full of so much emotion, as God seemed to bring together our past, present and future in a way that was terrifying and made us COMPLETELY rely upon Him as we didn't know what was going to happen next. Thankfully everything is finally starting to turn around. I did not realize how terrifying it is to have to rely completely on God in a situation. I have never felt so much frustration at God, and yet had to rely upon Him anyways. With so many of the different avenues for us to have a child closing, I hold on tight to the very few that we have left. But its when we hold onto someting so tightly that God steps in and can make sure our priorities are correct, and that our love for Him outweighs the thing we are holding onto. He tested our faith strongly. It is so hard to be able to say to God that it is completely up to Him to give us our child. I feel like if I can take shots, or medications, or complete paperwork or do SOMETHING, anything really, that maybe I am still in control. It is so hard to give all of that up to Him, especially when I feel He hasn't done very well with it so far. That is so selfish to say, who am I to tell God how something should be done? Yet, I do it, a lot haha. One thing I am very thankful for is to have a God who can handle me and my feelings, and not give up on me even when I feel ready to give up on Him. When I feel like He has given me this great desire and is not fulfilling it, yet makes me watch so many people around me have it fulfilled. Then I hear a song, or get a text or word of encouragement from someone, or just sense His presence more than usual at a given moment, and it keeps me going a little longer. It is so hard to pray and read my Bible, and even go to church at times when I feel so frustrated and angry at the God of this Universe. When I know in one second He could take care of this situation and take away this pain, but He chooses not to. I know in my head that there has to be a reason for all of this, and it could be a form of protection, but in my heart I just feel that it is so mean. When I have been struggling to have a child for 3 years, and then people around me get pregnant in a month. Or when I go to birthday parties for these amazing kids in my life, celebrating that they are one, and it just kills me inside because I knew I would have a baby by the time they were born, yet alone their first birthdays. I try incredibly hard not to focus on it all of the time, but that is pretty much impossible to do. It is too close to us, all around us, all the time. As our adoption is finally on the move again, it is nice to feel some sense of hope, that maybe soon we will get selected by a birth mother and have the child that God has CREATED for US. I remember when we first started going through infertility, I would hear this question in my head from God, "Angie will you still love me if I do not give you a child? Will you still love me if you can never be pregnant?" Man it stings just typing it out. It is the question I have been ignoring since the beginning of this, because I knew God would just give me a child and I wouldn't have to answer it. Yet here we are, and I know I may never get to have my husbands child except for a miracle, and although it is sooo hard and frustrating, and I struggle incredibly with my feelings, I know that God loves me and I choose to believe His plan for me is great. That this part of our life wont last forever. And I know that I love Him. How many people can truly say that? That if their biggest dream was taken away, and they knew that God could fulfill it but wouldnt, that they still truly loved Him. I never thought I would be able to, but through a broken heart, I can. I am amazed to look back on the journey He has taken us on, I am amazed at how much my husband and I have grown, at how much I personally have grown, and I know without all of this I wouldn't have. So many times we pray for God to take the pain away, to make is stop. But the truth is we should pray that God uses the pain and circumstances to teach us, and mold us and shape us to be like Him and to grow in ways that are impossible to grow when things are perfect and happy. The truth is we will all go through times in our life where things are so hard we truly don't see how we can get through it, but as one of my favorite songs says, " You never said it would be easy, You only said I'll never go alone." We serve an incredible God who has more in store for us than just making us happy and granting our wishes. I know God has a plan for Tim and I, and I cannot wait to meet our little bundle of joy as we continue to pray to be matched with the child that God has created just for us!

God's Plan

Sometimes in the midst of craziness, there is something that pulls us back to reality. For me and Tim, it has been an amazing book called Plan B by Pete Wilson. It has been an awesome tool that God has used to keep us going on the hard road of infertility and adoption. I don't know why I thought that since we are adopting everything would now be smooth sailing, because adoption in itself is an emotional journey. We have had some huge bumps in the road already, and although God has gotten us through it so far, its been very emotional and scary. Last night Tim and I read a chapter in Plan B called Whiplash. It was about those times in our lives where things are just going wrong, and things feel terrible. As Tim and I were reading, we were reminded that having faith in God does not mean that everything will just be ok. It doesn;t mean that storms wont come, and it doesn't mean that He will just fix every problem we face. So many people think that if things are going wrong, it can't be God's plan. Yet the truth is, it can be. Before Tim and I were even born God knew that we would be facing this crazy journey in our lives. He even created people and put them on the same path as us to help us through it. SOOO many times I lay in bed thinking, God WHAT are you doing?? Will we ever have a child? Will I ever get to experience pregnancy?? This seriously can't be your will or plan for my life because it hurts too bad... But the truth is, we serve a God who we cannot understand, and this is an amazing thing. Having faith in Him does not mean that I know He will allow me to get pregnant, it means that trusting that even if He never allows me to get pregnant, He has a plan for me that must be far greater and leaning on that to keep me moving forward. I learned in reading this chapter last night, that so many times people make all of these plans for their life, when they will get married, how many kids they will have, they even decide how many of each gender they will have and choose all of their names. They choose which job they will have, the decide that they will not be single, they would never lose their house...soooo many different circumstances, and then if God doesn;t go along with that plan, they get angry and tell Him how upset they are that things are not going how they should be going. That totally applies to my life. At times I get so angry at God that he has not allowed us to have children, and I lose focus of the fact that that is my plan, and yet it is not His. That we serve a God whose thoughts are above our thoughts and ways are above our ways. It can be a constant battle as Satan tries to take our plans and continually show them to us and show us how God is not coming through, yet on the other side keeping your mind on the truth that if God is not allowing this to happen, there must be a reason and something far greater will come, even if it feels like it never will. At times I think, God seriously, this has to be enough, I don't think I can handle one more thing, and then one more thing happens and I learn something else through it. God is not in the business of doing everything I want, or focusing on the end goal, He cares more about the journey and shaping me into who he wants me to be. I don't really know who all reads this online journal of our journey, and it really serves as a way for me to write down what I have learned and go back and read it when I start to doubt it, which happens often. My prayer is that God can use what He is teaching me to help others as well. God does not give us struggles to go through them alone, He uses those struggles to reach other people who are struggling as well, and I pray that He does this with our journey.

No Subject

I didn't realize how my previous post looked and some words were cut off. Next time ill edit better :).

So here we are, after some of the hardest weeks of my life. My emotions have been crazy, im sure partially due to all of the medication I was on. Sometimes it is just crazy where you end up in life, in places that you never expected. Since I was a child, I expected that I would grow up, get married and have kids. There was no question in my mind at all that this would happen. And now here I am, grown up, married, and yet the kids aren't coming. It truly makes you question God, and so many other things, when the one thing you want most in the world cannot happen. How could a God who loves me, withhold the very thing that I always thought would be my purpose in life, to be a mom. The thing that breaks my heart when I think that it may never happen. When you are going through infertility, the question is always in your head, will we actually be able to have our own children. As you go through treatment after treatment, the question gets stronger, but who wants to actually face a question like that head on? I certainly did not. The past few weeks, I have been facing that question. We have done 3 inseminations, 2 rounds of IVF, and still nothing. We do have some embryos left, but the embryos that we create together are not very good. So here we are now, facing situations out of our control, and they require a faith that I do not have. What if we will never be able to look at a child and see our own selves in that child. What if we can never see what a child that we created will look like or act like. It is heartbreaking. At times I feel so angry that I have this empty place in my heart for our child, while people around me get to have that place in their hearts filled. I see pregnant women and know that they really don't know how lucky they are, because they get to have something and feel something that I may never feel, the experience of being pregnant.
Over the past few months, Tim and I have been looking into adoption. We have always had a desire to adopt, but we knew that we didn't want to pursue adoption while we were pursuing fertility treatments. We are now so ready to go down this road. I know that adopting a child will fill that empty place in our hearts that only our child can fill. I may or may not ever get to experience pregnancy, but we do get to experience saving a child's life. We are so excited about this process, and I am already praying for the birth mother who will choose us. The one person in this world who can give to me what me and Tim cannot have on our own. We have already started the process, and are filling out lots of paperwork and setting up meetings to get things going. I feel more excited about this than I have about any of the fertility treatments we have done. I am so ready for our child, and I am so ready to see my husband finally get to be a father, which is his dream. Continue to pray for us as we go down this new road, and as we work through some of the feelings that come with not being able to have our own child. I still pray that one day God does a miracle for us and allows me to get pregnant, but I also know that when we get to hold our adopted baby for the first time, we will feel more love for that child than we have ever known.

 

Infertility

Received this email from an infertility group today and it perfectly describes how I am feeling. Infertility. I don’t think words can describe the feeling a woman has when she hears that word. An overwhelming fear takes over her mind; the fear that she will never be a mother and that she may never be able to provide a child for her husband, who wants one just as bad. She fears that she will let him down. It’s something that cannot be fixed, but only maintained. It’s something that can only be truly understood by the person going through it. So many times she hears “just relax, it’ll happen,” or “stop trying and it will happen.” She politely takes the advice because she knows they are only trying to help, but in her head she is thinking, “How can relaxing make my ovaries work? Why is this happening to me?” She searches for the answer in others, but never seems to get the answer she wants. The doctors tell her that although she will need help getting pregnant, the chance is there. So she begins to gain back the excitement she had before because she is given a new hope. Negative # 1 comes and she is devastated, but she convinces herself that it takes more than one try and keeps her head held high. Negative # 2 comes and she is, once again, devastated. She has to move to the next step. While waiting for the time to begin treatment, she and her husband realize that they cannot afford the next step. They are struggling as it is and insurance covers nothing. They make the heartbreaking decision to take a break and they are stuck in what seems to be an endless whirl pool of emotion and devastation. Wanting a child is not like wanting a toy you can’t have. It is about wanting to know a love that not a single person can describe to you; the type of love that cannot be experienced in any other situation. There is only one way to experience that love, that bond. When that way seems to be taken from you with a possibility of it never being given back, it hurts. Sometimes, it hurts so bad you feel as though you can’t breathe. It hurts to the point that you become numb. That feelinghappens over and over and over again. The worst part is that you cannot predict the future, so you have to wait. You have to wait for something that you may never get. Let me tell you this; when it does happen to you, it’s almost the only thing you can think about. I wish it was as easy as saying my ABC’s, but the fact of the matter is that I have no say in what happens. My husband and I have to accept the fact that we may never be parents. Does that mean we are giving up? Absolutely not, but when you are faced with infertility, it’s something you have to deal with. Infertility has overcome me at times, but I have not let it consume me. I believe that God has a purpose in all of this. I know I may never understand what it is, but I know that if I trust Him, everything will be okay. I do not want my infertility to be a secret because it’s something serious and I believe I am meant to share. It affects my way of life. Why would God put me through something if I wasn’t mean to use it for His glory? God has used me through this. He has not only made me stronger, but he has made my marriage stronger as well as the other relationships in my life. We have a choice on how we react to situations. Though this journey is not easy for me, I have decided to react in a positive way. This is only the beginning of my story, but I hope I was able to provide a perspective that allows anybody who reads this to delve into a world that they may not have noticed before and realize the impact infertility has on the lives of those who deal with it. ----Kelsey Price