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I didn't realize how my previous post looked and some words were cut off. Next time ill edit better :).

So here we are, after some of the hardest weeks of my life. My emotions have been crazy, im sure partially due to all of the medication I was on. Sometimes it is just crazy where you end up in life, in places that you never expected. Since I was a child, I expected that I would grow up, get married and have kids. There was no question in my mind at all that this would happen. And now here I am, grown up, married, and yet the kids aren't coming. It truly makes you question God, and so many other things, when the one thing you want most in the world cannot happen. How could a God who loves me, withhold the very thing that I always thought would be my purpose in life, to be a mom. The thing that breaks my heart when I think that it may never happen. When you are going through infertility, the question is always in your head, will we actually be able to have our own children. As you go through treatment after treatment, the question gets stronger, but who wants to actually face a question like that head on? I certainly did not. The past few weeks, I have been facing that question. We have done 3 inseminations, 2 rounds of IVF, and still nothing. We do have some embryos left, but the embryos that we create together are not very good. So here we are now, facing situations out of our control, and they require a faith that I do not have. What if we will never be able to look at a child and see our own selves in that child. What if we can never see what a child that we created will look like or act like. It is heartbreaking. At times I feel so angry that I have this empty place in my heart for our child, while people around me get to have that place in their hearts filled. I see pregnant women and know that they really don't know how lucky they are, because they get to have something and feel something that I may never feel, the experience of being pregnant.
Over the past few months, Tim and I have been looking into adoption. We have always had a desire to adopt, but we knew that we didn't want to pursue adoption while we were pursuing fertility treatments. We are now so ready to go down this road. I know that adopting a child will fill that empty place in our hearts that only our child can fill. I may or may not ever get to experience pregnancy, but we do get to experience saving a child's life. We are so excited about this process, and I am already praying for the birth mother who will choose us. The one person in this world who can give to me what me and Tim cannot have on our own. We have already started the process, and are filling out lots of paperwork and setting up meetings to get things going. I feel more excited about this than I have about any of the fertility treatments we have done. I am so ready for our child, and I am so ready to see my husband finally get to be a father, which is his dream. Continue to pray for us as we go down this new road, and as we work through some of the feelings that come with not being able to have our own child. I still pray that one day God does a miracle for us and allows me to get pregnant, but I also know that when we get to hold our adopted baby for the first time, we will feel more love for that child than we have ever known.

 

Infertility

Received this email from an infertility group today and it perfectly describes how I am feeling. Infertility. I don’t think words can describe the feeling a woman has when she hears that word. An overwhelming fear takes over her mind; the fear that she will never be a mother and that she may never be able to provide a child for her husband, who wants one just as bad. She fears that she will let him down. It’s something that cannot be fixed, but only maintained. It’s something that can only be truly understood by the person going through it. So many times she hears “just relax, it’ll happen,” or “stop trying and it will happen.” She politely takes the advice because she knows they are only trying to help, but in her head she is thinking, “How can relaxing make my ovaries work? Why is this happening to me?” She searches for the answer in others, but never seems to get the answer she wants. The doctors tell her that although she will need help getting pregnant, the chance is there. So she begins to gain back the excitement she had before because she is given a new hope. Negative # 1 comes and she is devastated, but she convinces herself that it takes more than one try and keeps her head held high. Negative # 2 comes and she is, once again, devastated. She has to move to the next step. While waiting for the time to begin treatment, she and her husband realize that they cannot afford the next step. They are struggling as it is and insurance covers nothing. They make the heartbreaking decision to take a break and they are stuck in what seems to be an endless whirl pool of emotion and devastation. Wanting a child is not like wanting a toy you can’t have. It is about wanting to know a love that not a single person can describe to you; the type of love that cannot be experienced in any other situation. There is only one way to experience that love, that bond. When that way seems to be taken from you with a possibility of it never being given back, it hurts. Sometimes, it hurts so bad you feel as though you can’t breathe. It hurts to the point that you become numb. That feelinghappens over and over and over again. The worst part is that you cannot predict the future, so you have to wait. You have to wait for something that you may never get. Let me tell you this; when it does happen to you, it’s almost the only thing you can think about. I wish it was as easy as saying my ABC’s, but the fact of the matter is that I have no say in what happens. My husband and I have to accept the fact that we may never be parents. Does that mean we are giving up? Absolutely not, but when you are faced with infertility, it’s something you have to deal with. Infertility has overcome me at times, but I have not let it consume me. I believe that God has a purpose in all of this. I know I may never understand what it is, but I know that if I trust Him, everything will be okay. I do not want my infertility to be a secret because it’s something serious and I believe I am meant to share. It affects my way of life. Why would God put me through something if I wasn’t mean to use it for His glory? God has used me through this. He has not only made me stronger, but he has made my marriage stronger as well as the other relationships in my life. We have a choice on how we react to situations. Though this journey is not easy for me, I have decided to react in a positive way. This is only the beginning of my story, but I hope I was able to provide a perspective that allows anybody who reads this to delve into a world that they may not have noticed before and realize the impact infertility has on the lives of those who deal with it. ----Kelsey Price

IVF #2 Update

I wanted to give everyone an update on our IVF#2. We started at the beginning of October, and are going strong! Everything so far has fallen into place except for one thing. My estrogen levels are somewhat low compared to where they should be. They are working on finding a way to fix this, and I go back in tomorrow for another blood test to see if my levels are any higher. For right now, its not a terrible thing because they havent done the transfer, and everything else looks so good. We just need to get them up by Friday, and everything will be fine, which I know they can do. Our transfer is on Friday morning sometime, not sure what time yet. Please continue to pray for our embryos as they have to go through the thawing process and not all embryos survive this part. We just want 2 healthy embryos, or 3 :) and I know God has already selected which ones will be used.  I appreciate all of your prayers! Yesterday was a powerful and emotional day for us as our families got together to pray for us, and then our church family loved us and prayed for us. It has been such a blessing to me to see how many people are right by our side through all of this, even when sometimes Satan can get me to belief that im alone. I appreciate the random text messages I get of people thinking about us, and the facebook messages and chats. One thing that I like to do, as if this wasnt obvious, is write. I used to write ALL the time when I was younger, and seemed to stop for some reason. Well infertility has helped me find my way back to writing. One of the greatest things about writing is going back months or years later and reading what you read and what prayers God has answered, and just how your life has changed. I wanted to share one of my journals with you that I wrote over a year ago, because my heart is full of thankfulness, and when I re- read this I just knew I had to share it.

God,
As i'm dealing with some of the hard things going on right now, I have realized that i have lost my focus on God as well as the good things that are going on in my life. I have been so focused on how much i hurt and how upset i am that i do not seem to care about anything else. I want to start writing some of the things i am thankful for that you have given to me.
 1. You-God. I am so thankful for you because you love me unconditionally. It doesnt matter if i mess up, even though sometimes i trick myself into thinking that it does. You care about me so much, and you created me to be here at this point and time for a reason. i am not a mistake, and you have handpicked every aspect of my life. although i am still learning to trust you, i am thankful that you are patient with me.
 2. Tim. i am so thankful for my husband. He has an understanding of me that nobody has ever had before. He is so perfect for me. he makes me laugh and even when we go through hard times he thinks about things and realizes how much he loves me. hI wanted to give everyone an update on our IVF#2. We started at the beginning of October, and are going strong! Everything so far has fallen into place except for one thing. My estrogen levels are somewhat low compared to where they should be. They are working on finding a way to fix this, and I go back in tomorrow for another blood test to see if my levels are any higher. For right now, its not a terrible thing because they havent done the transfer, and everything else looks so good. We just need to get them up by Friday, and everything will be fine, which I know they can do. Our transfer is on Friday morning sometime, not sure what time yet. Please continue to pray for our embryos as they have to go through the thawing process and not all embryos survive this part. We just want 2 healthy embryos, or 3 :) and I know God has already selected which ones will be used.  I appreciate all of your prayers! Yesterday was a powerful and emotional day for us as our families got together to pray for us, and then our church family loved us and prayed for us. It has been such a blessing to me to see how many people are right by our side through all of this, even when sometimes Satan can get me to belief that im alone. I appreciate the random text messages I get of people thinking about us, and the facebook messages and chats. One thing that I like to do, as if this wasnt obvious, is write. I used to write ALL the time when I was younger, and seemed to stop for some reason. Well infertility has helped me find my way back to writing. One of the greatest things about writing is going back months or years later and reading what you read and what prayers God has answered, and just how your life has changed. I wanted to share one of my journals with you that I wrote over a year ago, because my heart is full of thankfulness, and when I re- read this I just knew I had to share it.

God,
As i'm dealing with some of the hard things going on right now, I have realized that i have lost my focus on God as well as the good things that are going on in my life. I have been so focused on how much i hurt and how upset i am that i do not seem to care about anything else. I want to start writing some of the things i am thankful for that you have given to me.
 1. You-God. I am so thankful for you because you love me unconditionally. It doesnt matter if i mess up, even though sometimes i trick myself into thinking that it does. You care about me so much, and you created me to be here at this point and time for a reason. i am not a mistake, and you have handpicked every aspect of my life. although i am still learning to trust you, i am thankful that you are patient with me.
 2. Tim. i am so thankful for my husband. He has an understanding of me that nobody has ever had before. He is so perfect for me. he makes me laugh and even when we go through hard times he thinks about things and realizes how much he loves me. he doesnt let things about me get to him to the extent that he wouldnt want me anymore. i know im not perfect, and he is actually ok with that. I am so lucky to have him, and to be in a place in his life where he can fully trust me. I love him.
 3. My Parents. I am very thankful for my parents. Especially when we are in a world where most parents dont even love each other anymore, i have parents that are truly in love and are truly in love with you. I am so lucky to have a mom and dad that would drop anything if they knew that something was wrong with me. They truly care to the point that most parents dont care. They make sure that i know i am loved and taken care of, and if i have a problem they are always there to help me work through it. They are the most generous people i know, and i am lucky to be able to call them my parents.
 4. My sisters and brother. I am also thankful for my sisters. Three of them wouldnt even be in my life if it wasnt for your goodness. I am lucky to have them in my life and lucky to have their care and love. I love having a relationship with them, and to know that they love me no matter what. They are amazing, and they all have hearts that truly want to love you and try their best. I am very lucky to have them, and to have relationships with most of them.
 5. My church. I LOVE my church. You have taken me and Tim to a church where we are truly loved, and you can see it by peoples actions. When people talk to us it is genuine, and they really care to know us on more than just a surface level. You have placed me where people understand exactly what I am going through because they have been down this road, and they havent been scared to reach out to me and to share their own stories with me to help give me courage for mine. You have given us a pastor that truly loves you and loves people, and speaks your word boldly every week. I am so thankful for a place we can call home, and I honeslty thought it would never happen. That I could never find a church like this, or that I would ever even want to. I LOVE Imagine Church!
6. My friends. I am so thankful for everyone who has loved on me and has given me the chance to be apart of their lives and shared their feelings and theirselves with me. I love them all so much, and I dont know where I would be if I didnt have their support and love.e doesnt let things about me get to him to the extent that he wouldnt want me anymore. i know im not perfect, and he is actually ok with that. I am so lucky to have him, and to be in a place in his life where he can fully trust me. I love him.
 3. My Parents. I am very thankful for my parents. Especially when we are in a world where most parents dont even love each other anymore, i have parents that are truly in love and are truly in love with you. I am so lucky to have a mom and dad that would drop anything if they knew that something was wrong with me. They truly care to the point that most parents dont care. They make sure that i know i am loved and taken care of, and if i have a problem they are always there to help me work through it. They are the most generous people i know, and i am lucky to be able to call them my parents.
 4. My sisters and brother. I am also thankful for my sisters. Three of them wouldnt even be in my life if it wasnt for your goodness. I am lucky to have them in my life and lucky to have their care and love. I love having a relationship with them, and to know that they love me no matter what. They are amazing, and they all have hearts that truly want to love you and try their best. I am very lucky to have them, and to have relationships with most of them.
 5. My church. I LOVE my church. You have taken me and Tim to a church where we are truly loved, and you can see it by peoples actions. When people talk to us it is genuine, and they really care to know us on more than just a surface level. You have placed me where people understand exactly what I am going through because they have been down this road, and they havent been scared to reach out to me and to share their own stories with me to help give me courage for mine. You have given us a pastor that truly loves you and loves people, and speaks your word boldly every week. I am so thankful for a place we can call home, and I honeslty thought it would never happen. That I could never find a church like this, or that I would ever even want to. I LOVE Imagine Church!
6. My friends. I am so thankful for everyone who has loved on me and has given me the chance to be apart of their lives and shared their feelings and theirselves with me. I love them all so much, and I dont know where I would be if I didnt have their support and love.

Pure Joy

Have you ever felt the peace of God? All of my life I have wanted to feel it, but it wasn't until I came to the end of myself that I finally did. I posted that this morning on facebook, "when we come to the end of ourselves, we come to the beginning of God"-Greg Laurie. And it is sooo true. I started struggling recently with God, and I found myself thinking, God could fix our infertility in a second. He knows how bad I am hurting, yet he lets this continue on. I know if my own father could fix this he totally would, and God, who is supposed to love me more then my own dad, and who CAN fix this, isn't. I don't know how many people have experienced their purpose in life, but I have always felt since I was young, that my purpose was to be a mother. As years and months keep going by, I recently started begging God, if you aren't going to let me have a child right now, PLEASE give me a different purpose because I am so tired of being empty inside. Of feeling like I am doing nothing. Recently, He really started to use me, and I am finally feeling His love again, and coming to peace with where we are right now. It is still hard knowing that God is choosing to not fix our infertility and may never choose to do so, but I am finding peace in knowing that He has a plan for me and Tim. I read these verses that totally apply to us, James 1:2-8,
Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who "worry their prayers" are like wind-whipped waves. Don't think you're going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open. Although I cannot have children right now, I have something that I am truly lucky to have. I have a faith with my father that has been tested. Its been emotional, and hard, and honest, and loving, and so many more things that I cannot even explain. It has become real. And I am learning to ask God for things boldly. This is something that I did not do last time. I asked God to give us a child, but I doubted the whole time that He could do it. This time, I am asking boldy. That doesn't mean He will give us a child, but I know he can. He is able to do all things. It means I have come to trust my father, and I have come to love Him with a deep love. This is something I have asked for, for so long. I can only wish and hope and pray that others can experience God in the way that He wants for them because it changes who you are, even in the midst of turmoil. James 1: 12 says anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. Although its hard, and its hard to look at pregnant people, or babies, or at times families, I know that I am fortunate because I have something that I would not have gotten otherwise, and one day this circumstance will be over, but I will never let go of or lose what I have gained.

IVF #2

I hope you all still remember me, I know its been SO long since my last post, haha. Things are moving along though, which I am so grateful for. We finally have some dates set for our IVF #2  and I wanted to share a little so our wonderful friends can start praying for us. I go in on Sept 27th to go over my calendar and order my medications again. My first ultrasound will be on October 15th, and our tranfer date, which is when they put the embryos in, is set for November 4th, our 5th anniversary! What a great anniversary gift that would be!! So keep us in prayer as we venture out into the world of shots, emotions, and craziness once again and as we prepare ourselves for these next few months.

Completeness

Its been a little while since I have written. One thing that scares me a little when I post journals, is that I dont want people to think im extremely strong or in perfect relationship with God, because both of those are not true at all. I have come a long ways from where I was, but I dont want to portray things in a way that they are not. I feel like I have gone through so many stages of emotions through this process, and a lot of them have been in the past few weeks. I believe that everyone has dreams, and when you feel like your dream is being taken from you, or may not happen, it hard to go on living like everything is okay. Because its not ok and it hurts. You dont realize that your heart can have that much pain, and you try to do everything you can to distract yourself from it. I know people understand this, not just people going through infertility. That is what the past weeks have been for me, I have pretty much sat on the couch watching TV and not wanting to do anything. Not even talk to my own husband. I felt so extremely sad inside, and I felt like everywhere I went and everything i saw was just a reminder of this. But I have come to believe that this is all a part of the Christian journey. Some days, or even days, you dont even want to open your Bible or pray, you just feel so empty and frustrated that those are the last of the things you want to do. I used to believe that if i had reached a point like this, God would be so angry at me. But i have now learned otherwise. I truly believe, that in the week or two that I was hurt and sad and disappointed, He was right there with me and allowed me to feel those ways, and was there to comfort me. Anger at me was no where in the picture. Yes, I was questioning Him and what He allowed to happen, and I was so frustrated and said terrible things to Him, but God can take it. I really wish that people could see God this way, because it truly changes who you are and it allows you to open yourself up to Him, and Him to love you. Before, when I was in my angry anti-God/church phase, I thought if I even messed up a little God was right there mad and angry and I wanted nothing to do with that. But that is not the truth. The Bible says the truth will set you free, and as I have come to learn the truths about God, I have been set free in my relationship with him, and to love Him. I think people also dont know how to feel Gods love, and how to know He is there; I never knew how. And I have come to learn how. The other day, I had a lady call me, a truly amazing lady, and she told me...Angie, you are not desperate. God has a plan for you, and He is going to get you there, and you are not desperate. Those words, were from God. He placed them on that ladies heart to give to me. He created her, knowing that one day when I was going through this, she would call me with words of encouragement and a listening ear when I needed it most. Part of why he created this woman, was to reach out to me. And that is love, and God uses other people all of the time to show us His love. You just have to realize it is Him. Learning that God loves me and isnt angry with me, and how to feel and see His love has changed my life. It has helped me fight the depression off, especially in the last few weeks. Im not saying its easy, it has been anything but easy, but when things are terrible, I have this small sense of peace inside of my heart, knowing that this God, who loves me, is in complete control. He knew I would feel like this, and he has placed the right people around me to help me through it. . I think one part of IVF that is very hard, is dealing with the embryos. You have all of these babies that are already created, and when they dont attach its so hard. I have pictures of the first two they put in, and before, I would look at these pictures and think that one of these would be my baby. I didnt want to lose memory or sight of these 10 embryos, ever, even if they do not attach. On Wednesday, I went in and got a tattoo of 10 hearts, one for each of my embryos. It has been an amazing feeling to look down and see the hearts, and to know that I will never forget about them. Heres a pic:

Feelings

The past months of my life have been life changing. Those of you who know me, know that already. I have been stretched and I have grown in ways that I have only dreamed of. I like to write, (if that wasnt obvious lol) and I have journals that go back to jr high and high school. One thing about journals is if you go back through them, you can see how much you have changed. In almost all of my journals I expressed sadness, and a longing to know God because for some reason I just didnt feel his love for me and I started to believe he really didnt love me. I couldnt understand how I could write in my journals for years that I wanted to know him and feel his love for me and he never seemed to meet that need. To me it seemed like a simple request, yet he wouldnt do it. I also prayed for a christian friend that I could connect with, and I couldnt seem to find that one person that I just clicked with. I felt incredibly lost and alone. I started to hate going to church, and I didnt even want to look at my Bible. I looked for ways to fill this need, and of course was unsuccessful. I met Tim, still looking to fill this need, and we got married very young. As you can imagine, this was very hard. We were both empty, looking to each other to complete each other, and the truth is another person cannot complete you, you and God have to do that on your own. It was exhausting, he was angry, I was angry, and we couldnt get along for anything. We then decided that HE needed counseling. Yes I said HE. Dont ask me how I got out of this, that is just how I was. I blamed everyone else for my problems, and if there was something wrong it had to be the other person. He did go, and he started changing a lot as he worked through some hard things. After a while he was done, and we tried to continue our marriage with this changed person he had become. Well, if both legs of a chair are broken, and you only fix one side, you still have a problem. I became more and more angry, and my anger was intense and I would rage and scream and throw things. I didnt know how to control it, it had to be Tim making me this angry. Finally Tim told me that my anger scared him because he didnt know how to respond to me when I was so angry. We then decided it was my turn to get help, and I have been for the past year. It has been incredible as I have learned and I have grown with the help of my counselor Tami. My intense anger has gone away, now I have learned to control my feelings and express them, and I have learned what caused the anger in me and I have worked through it. And it wasnt Tim haha. As I was going through counseling, we were also seeing infertility drs. Of course in June we decided to do IVF, and I truly thought it was my turn to get pregnant. I have worked through so much, my relationship with God has changed completely and I have learned that He truly loves me and I can even feel it now :). Of course you know we got negative results. I have been so upset, but I couldnt bring myself to thinking that God loves me less or anything like that. After all I have been through and faced in the past year, He has completely shown me his love and i completely believe it. I dont understand it, and I know he is in control, which can bring on both positive and negative feelings. If he is in control why wont he let me get pregnant, but he is in control so he knows what he is doing and I can have faith in the fact that he wants the best for me, even if it doesnt feel like it right now. I have been withdrawing a lot, it is so hard to go out and see families everywhere with their children, something that we dont have and almost feels impossible. I feel this great emptiness inside of me, and I have a huge fear that we wont be able to have our own children. A child that I can look at and see my husband and myself in. That i wont be able to experience pregnancy. Then the other part of me has faith, faith that even if we dont get that, even though I want it incredibly, that God has gotten me through so much and He will get us through the feelings of it. Everyone keeps saying im so strong, but i sure dont feel strong when I see a baby and then go home and cry for hours because I think I will never have my own. Or when I feel so frustrated with all of this and just want to quit. I mentioned earlier that I always prayed for a christian friend. God has given me that, and not only one but so many who have been exactly where Im at. They check on me daily and they know how I feel and what Im dealing with. I have faith some days, and then some days im completely empty. Its a roller coaster of emotions, but im getting through it. I just wanted to share a little of where ive been, and where im at now, and how i am doing, sorry to write a book haha. I really appreciate all of you who have reached out to us and have prayed for us and cared for us. You hold a special place in our hearts, even if we cannot show it very well right now. We love you!

Appointment Update

So yesterday was our follow up appointment with our dr. A lot of people are asking me about it, so I thought I would just post some of it as an update. First off, my doctor thinks that I have endometriosis. The cyst on my right ovary isnt going away, and he said when he was doing the retrieval and got to look at it, it had stuff in it that a normal cyst would not have. He said cysts also change sizes, and whatever I have is staying the same size. The only way to diagnose endometriosis is to do surgery, but he said there is no point to do that, he is just going to treat me as if I do have it. Next he went over our eggs, he told us that he has never seen embryos frozen on day 7, which is when ours were frozen. Most embryos are frozen on day 5, but ours developed really slow for some reason. He said there is not a lot of research done on why some embryos develop slowly and that there could be a problem, or there could not be one he doesnt know. He did say that embryos that he has frozen on day 6 have developed healthy babies, it doesnt take away the chance completely of getting pregnant, so I guess we just wait and see what day 7 embryos do. We do have a few that were frozen on day 6. He also talked about my levels, how they were really high and then really low. He said he doesnt know why I am not responding to the estrogen pills, but at least we know for next time that I do not respond to them. My level after the transfer went to 69 and it is supposed to stay over 200, so that could have messed up the cycle. So we asked when we can try again with our frozen embryos, and he said that he is going to put me on birth control for two months to get rid of the endometriosis before the next transfer. He said if we do 2 more transfers, we have a 3/4 change of getting pregnant. We are going to try again for sure one more time, it will probably be at the end of October or beginning of November. Im obviously having a really hard time with all of this, but I dont want to go into all of my feelings at the moment, so maybe in a few weeks ill be ready to write about them. Just wanted to update everyone praying for us about what is going on.

 

Praying

So one of the great things about where I work is that I get to meet a lot of pastors. Going through this, I have had many of them pray with me over the phone and check on me to see how things are going. The other day, I had a pastor come in and tell me that God has already answered my prayers, He has a baby for me and I need to be ready for it. He told me to go buy some baby clothes, and to start praying over them daily, and to let God know that I am ready for the baby he has for me. Well, a few months ago I had found this website that had baby clothes for people who have dealt with infertility. I loved them, and I asked my sister in law if she wouldnt mind creating them for me. She of course didnt mind, and they were ready this week! I am so excited to finally have them, and Tim and I are going to take the advice of the pastor who came to my office. We are going to hang up the clothes, trying to find the perfect place, and pray over them daily. We want God to know that we are ready for our baby, and that we are going to come to Him daily and ask Him for him or her. Here is part of my infertility devotion for today,

"Go to 1 Samuel, and take a seat next to Hannah.  She’s weeping profusely in the temple as she once again brings her petition for a child.  Her infertile heart has waited for years and years and she has observed Peninnah’s pregnancies progress time after time.  Now we see her burdened down in the temple weeping and crying again.  Scripture tells us that Hannah had cried until there were no more tears left to cry.  Her lips were moving, but no words were coming out of her mouth.  God didn’t need volume to hear her hurt.  He heard her heart’s cry even though no sound escaped her lips.  He responded to the desperation of this woman, and to the faith she had in her unseen God." 
Here are pictures of the baby clothes created for our baby that God has already planned for us
         

IVF #1

I didnt realize it had been so long since I had written anything. The past two weeks had been two of the hardest weeks of the whole process, and I really started to withdrawal a lot from everyone. So here is the update for the past few weeks. The transfer went well, but my estrogen levels had gotten so high, the embryologist told us that this may cause an issue.  The day they took out my eggs, my levels were about 4,000, and most people get at the most to 2,000. I had also had a ton of eggs. At the time i thought this was really exciting and great, but I learned that the more eggs that you have, the less quality the eggs are because there are just so many that need to develop. During IVF, they fertilize the eggs and put a few of them back into the uterus on day 5. We went back on day 5 for our transfer, but our eggs were developing really slowly. They took the two best ones that were ahead of the others and transfered them back in, and they told us they were going to let the others develop for a few more days before freezing. At the time there were 20 developing, not counting the ones they transfered back into my uterus. We got a call on day 7, and they told us that they were able to freeze 8 embryos out of the 20. Four are good quality, three are fair, and one is poor quality. I am worried about all of them because they developed so slowly, it could be a bad sign, but they seem to have some hope so I am trying to hold onto some also. Then after the transfer, I went in for the blood test to check my levels and my estrogen had dropped to 69, and it was supposed to be over 200. I was taking estrogen pills, but they decided also to put me on an estrogen patch. I went back the next day for another blood test, and the level went to 139. It still wasnt high enough, so they put me on 3 estrogen patches as well as the pills. I went back again for a blood test and my level went to 320 which was finally good. Yesterday morning I took a home test, which was negative and I knew it didnt work. Everyone else still had a lot more hope then I did and they started praying for different results during the blood test. I took another test this morning before we went in, which was also negative, and I told Tim to be prepared because it was going to be negative at the doctors office. And it was. Its hard to think that after all of this we didnt get pregnant, but I have hope that we have 4 embryos that are good quality that we can try again with, which we will. We have to give my body a chance to rest some and go back to normal, I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I can still feel my ovaries going back to their original size, and at times if i move the wrong way I get a lot of pain. My levels also need to go back to normal, so that when we try again my body will be ready to accept the embryo. I thought the hardest part of IVF would be the shots, but the hardest part was definately the 2 week wait and I am not looking forward to doing that part again. It was one of the hardest 2 weeks I have had to go through, and by the end I was so drained from waiting and hoping and praying and thinking every little thing was a sign of pregnancy. I just pray that God will allow us to have our own child, a part of me is so scared that He isnt going to allow that to happen. I do appreciate all of your prayers, and support through the whole process. We are going to try our IVF #2 in a few months. It is not going to be as hard as the first one, less medications and I dont have to go through the retrieval and all of that again. It is also 5,000 instead of 15,000 which is still a lot, but we want to give it one more try before giving up. We want our own child that will look like us, and have a part of me and Tim in them. I really do hope all of you parents out there truly realize how lucky you are to have your children, because it really is a blessing. I know the turmoil of not being able to have one or even get pregnant, so I really hope when you think of us going through this you will be reminded of what a gift you have really been given. Ill keep you up to date as we start our next cycle in a few months.

 

Retrieval

Yesterday was the big day, the retrieval. It was also my first procedure ever, besides my wisdom teeth being taken out. I had an IV with my wisdom teeth but I was out so quick I didnt even notice. So this was my first real I.V. First Tim and I went into the prep room to go over everything with my nurse, and so she could put the I.V. in. She checked all of my vitals, and my heart was racing because I was so nervous. Finally, I had to kiss Tim goodbye and head to the operation room pushing my little I.V. bag. As we went into the room and I saw everything set up, my heart started racing more. I was so scared, and I was already having a ton of cramps and trouble walking because of the shot that made me ovulate. They got me all set up, and the anesthesiologist came in to help me relax. They didnt put me all the way out, and as the Dr. came in and started I was in a lot of pain. So the wonderful lady gave me more haha. I appreciated her. I dont remember anything after that, but when I woke up the nurse told me I almost kicked the Dr, and that Im really strong because she had to hold my hand down at times. She said that I was wincing a lot, so I am glad I do not remember it. When it was over and I was alert again, I was in terrible pain. She started giving me pain meds through the I.V. and she gave me a shot of something as well, and after about 10 minutes the pain started to go away some and Tim got to come see me. The nurse told us that they got 36 eggs!! That is three years of monthly cycles, all done in a week of stimulation! No wonder I was in so much pain! She said on average they get about 10 eggs from people, the lady before me had 4. I cannot imagine doing this process and having 4! That would be incredibly hard. My estrogen levels are really high, and because there are so many eggs I am at risk of hyperstimulation. That is where your stomach starts to fill with fluid and they have to get it out. If i have mild to moderate, they will still put the embryos back in on Monday. If it is severe they wont. I have to weigh myself daily and measure my waist and if the numbers start going up it is not a good sign. So far I am doing pretty good and even lost a pound so hopefully I dont get it. Starting Thursday, we will get a call from the embryologist to update us on the status of our embryos! That will be exciting. We will find out how many fertilized, then on Saturday she will call and tell us how many are dividing and what day to come back to do the transfer, but it will most likely be Monday. So now the fun part begins!! Im still pretty sore, but I can get up a little easier and walk around a little better right now. Pray for my body as it recovers, my overies went from the size of a walnut to the size of a grape fruit so they now need to go back to their regular size. And my stomach has a lot of cramping still, but im on pain meds :). I also start the big shot tonight that I have been dreading this whole time. Not only is it a bigger shot, it is an oil so its harder to get in and it hurts more, so I am not looking forward to it at all. I have to do it for the next few weeks, and if I am pregnant I do it until I am 10 weeks. And pray for our embryos as they develop over the next five days. We have so many that I am not worried, even if we lose half we will be doing good, but its still cool to pray for our embryos!! God is so good to us, and I am positive He will take care of me over the next few days.

AHHHHH!!

Yes, im screaming, because im excited!!! Its finally here!!!! Today i went in for another ultrasound and blood work, and I have a TON of follicles. Seriously. There were 32 of them! 27 are big an ready to come out, and 5 are still growing. Tonight, I do my HCG shot, which is done 36 hours before they take the eggs out, so I get them taken out on wednesday and they will put 2 embryos back in on Monday, a week from today!! yay!!! Just wanted to post a little update :) Thanks everyone for praying that i would have lots of eggs, God listened. Now the next prayer...pray that i get pregnant!!!!!</

So today I had my first ultrasound to see all of the eggs. I was so excited to see how many that I have and how big they are! I have really been feeling them grow, and it hurts a lot so I knew that would be a good size. The ultrasound shows that I have about 10 on each side, and they are at a size 11 and 12. They need to get to an 18. I may not have 20 at the time they take them all out, because he said some of them may stop growing so we wont know for sure for a few more days! With all of the cramping I am having now, I dont want to know how it is going to feel when they are at an 18! But its so cool to think that one of those eggs will be my baby!! So im in pain, but moving along fast! Hopefully when I go back on Saturday they will tell me I can do my shot on Monday and do retrieval on Wednesday!! Its coming so fast and I cant wait, but im also so emotional, bloated, and having cramps that I lose focus of the end result. Hopefully as it gets closer it will feel more real and I wont be so emotional and tired!

And we're off

So I went in for my blood test and ultrasound today. After a frustrating morning at the doctor where they couldnt find my appointment and I had to wait FOREVER while everyone else got to go before me, I finally got to go in. The ultrasound showed that I still have a cyst, and the doctor keeps mentioning endometriosis because this cyst has been in my last 4 ultrasounds and isnt going away. I did a blood test, and they said they would call me with the results to see if I can start the stronger shots to get the process going, or if I would have to wait another week because of the cyst, as it could raise my estrogen levels. I went home feelings so frustrated and defeated! I climbed in bed, took a nap, and then got a call from the nurse. My estrogen level is perfect!!!! YES!!! She said they are going to empty the cyst during the retrieval so it wont interfere with anything. This means I get to continue as scheduled, and I start my next shot on Sunday. This one will be twice a day, once in the morning and once and night, along with my other shot still once a day. 3 shots a day!! This next shot should start to stimulate the development of my follices, and over the next week I get to watch, and feel them grow. I go back to the dr. on Tuesday for another blood test to see where we are at. At my meeting with the embryologist, she said I had 17 follicles, while most people have 10 to 12. So she said they may be able to get about 20 eggs out, which would be awesome! Continue to pray for us, as Im sure this next week will be pretty emotional with all of the shots and as they dosages get stronger. Hopefully I respond well to the medicine, and we can stay on track with the calendar!!

Overview

So I know I just posted yesterday, but we just had a great appointment with the embryologist and I have to share :) She went over all of these papers with us, and showed us pictures of embryos developing. It was seriously amazing! God just created everything to be so perfect and its amazing that get a small glimpse of it. When you do IVF, they do a thing called ICSI where they actually take a single sperm and inject it into an egg. After they do this, the egg starts to develop over the next 5 days, and then they put two embryos back in. The picture showed them injecting the sperm, and right when they take out the needle the egg closes up as if there were never even a hole from the needle. If there is anything wrong with the sperm or egg, they each have the ability to correct each other! How amazing is that? They work together and make sure that each other are healthy. Its amazing that God designed it that way, because if not there would be a ton of birth defects. The embryo has an outer lining around it, which gets thinner and thinner as the days go by. This is because at this time naturally, the embryo would be in the fallopian tubes and if it didnt have that lining it would attached to the tubes and not the uterus. 5 days later embryo starts making its way out of the lining, which makes it capable of attaching in the uterus. Isn't it amazing how God just created every single detail of it? As I was looking at pictures and learning all of this I was just in awe that it all goes together soooo perfectly. Hats off to you God! haha.

 

June Has Arrived!

June is here! As I look over my IVF calendar, which is FULL of lots of colors and encouragement, thanks to Kristen, I look at the verse she wrote on the top for me. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." How many times do we forget that God has a plan for us? When things feel like they are falling apart,  when I look at so many families and have a feeling of jealousy creep in, when I feel like I am being left out of something big, its so easy for me to forget how big God is, and how great His plans are. I forget that I serve the God who created the entire universe, and it is so much bigger then we can even see. That this is God, who parted the red sea, who created Adam and Eve, who created every living thing out of nothing. My God hears my every cry, and counts my every tear. Every tear I have cried over the course of the past few years matters to Him, and every tear I cry as I feel at times this is way to much for me to handle. God has a plan for my life, and in the Bible, every time a woman was dealing with infertility, she was blessed in such amazing ways. And I get to be one of those women. I have started my shots, and so far they are going well. I even have the courage to give them to myself, which I honeslty thought I could never do, but God has given me the strength. Not only have I come a long ways through this, but my husband has also. As we were in Mammoth this last week, I woke up on Wednesday and felt a huge amount of fear knowing all of the things that I will be facing this coming month. Tim could tell something was wrong, and he come up to me and asked if he could pray for me. I told him ya sure but it wont change anything. He said that is ok, and he prayed anyway. Well, my pessimistic attitude was wrong! After he prayed for me I felt so much better, and as the days have been going by it has gotten a lot easier. The shots make me pretty tired, and I have been a little more emotional, but I keep hanging on to that end goal. God wants me to prosper, and he wants to bless me. He already knows the plan he has for me, and even though I cannot see it all, I know His plan is going to be amazing. I honestly dont know how people go through things without the hope that I have found. I cant even imagine going at this alone, not even knowing that there is a God, who created every part of who I am, who made me just how he wants me, and who loves me more than anything, who wants to see me happy, truly happy. And he knows my desires. And not only does he know them, but he wants to fulfill them. Bring it on month of June!!! :)

Love

So I went in to pick up my shots on Friday. Lets just say, it is very overwhelming to get a HUGE box of needles and lots of medications! Just looking at it made me cry. It is so real and its coming fast, and its scary!! I am so excited for the end result, but so scared to get there! My wonderful friend Kristen who has been through all of this with me, got a scared text from me, and she came over and helped me sort through everything. She wrote me up a calendar that I can actually understand, and put happy faces and hearts and a Bible verse on there for me. I felt so special that she would go out of her way to help me out, and I am soooo thankful for her! Today was my little sisters going away party, she is moving to Texas tomorrow morning. Bill and Candy Peters came by our house before the party, and went through everything with me. She taught Tim how to do the shots, and she showed him where to give them and exactly how to do everything. It was so helpful! Tim thought he had to jab them in really hard, and Candy taught him the truth so lets just say I am SUPER thankful for Candy! We went over to my parents house for the party, and my Dad called everyone in the front room. They all gave us this amazing gift, a whole bunch of fabric squares sewn together and everyone in my family had written something on each square. My sister in law Allison had put it all together for us, and we are going to hang it up in our soon to be babys room! Then they all prayed for us! It was so amazing to be reminded of how much people love us and are thinking of us and praying for us. How people want us to have kids so badly, alongside us. It is so strange to say, but in a way I am thankful for infertility. I have changed SO much through this process, but I am also so ready for it to be over! Before this, I had so much anger at God. But through all of the emotions of this process, I have learned that God loves me more than I could ever understand. He has used my pain and grief and sorrow and all of the emptiness I have felt to fill me with His love. And He has given me SO many people who have walked exactly where I am walking, who understand completely what I am going through. Not only have I felt His love for me from Him, but I have felt it through all of the people He has brought into my life, in ways that I would have never dreamed of. I have learned and am learning to truly love people, which is something I have always struggled with, and I am learning that people truly love me, which I have struggled with even more. I am ready for my baby, so ready!! Shots start Thursday!!

 

And the ball is rolling!

I wanted to keep this journal going, mostly for me to be able to have a place to go to share our story as it unfolds. Our IVF is starting soon! I get my calendar next week, and get the shots and everything ordered so that we can get the process going! At first I was extremely scared, thinking of having to give myself shots and of the pain of everything was definately effecting me, especially my sleep! But now, I am feeling more peace, and more hope. I have accepted the fact that I have to do this to get our baby, and I would do anything that I had to do in order to get our baby. The past months have brought about sooo many feelings, I have felt empty as babies were born, and desperate as more and more friends kept finding out they were pregnant. It is hard not to doubt God and everything else when you feel like everyone is getting blessed with what you feel you can only dream of. But now, its OUR turn!! :) And I cant wait! Knowing that the IVF is going to be happening in the next few weeks gives me so much hope, but also a lot of fear, as there is a 50% chance it will work, and 50% chance it will not. I pray that we have a lot of eggs that fertilize so that even if this cycle fails, we will have eggs ready to try another cycle quickly. I know that we will be parents, and I hope it is next month!! Who knows, we may even have twins, they do put two eggs in at a time!! I want to thank everyone who helped us out financially, it meant sooo much to me that so many people were willing to sacrifice of their finances for us, I cannot even explain how much it meant to me and will always mean to me! We still need to come up with 400 to 500 more dollars, so if anyone else wants to help us out, you can still scroll down to the first entry and the donate link is still attached. We are getting there though, dollar by dollar!! Also, thanks for all of the prayers, keep them coming!! As I start shots, we dont know what my hormones or pain tolerance will be, so it could be a fun month, haha. Pray for Tim as he has to help administer the shots and deal with my emotions. And although it is a weird thing to pray for, pray that I can produce lots of eggs!! This are my prayers, and I would love for people to pray along with us. Anyways, I will continue to update our journal as the process continues!

The Appointments Begin

Yesterday was my first appointment! I was pretty nervous, but everything went well. Everything looks pretty good for the IVF, except that I have a cyst that needs to go away!! Hopefully it will be gone by my next ultrasound so everything can continue as scheduled. I received my calendar, and I start my first shots next Thursday. She taught me how to do them, and I was nervous just watching so pray that I have a lot of courage when it comes to doing them next Thursday! Its very scary, and I dont like needles at all, but I know I can do it. We are scheduled to do our tranfer on the week of June 20th, not sure what day it all depends on how everything is coming along and how I respond to the medicine. The transfer is when they take the eggs out, fertilize them, and a few days later put two back in. We should find out if it worked around the beginning of July. Its crazy that it is coming so fast, and so exciting to think that I could be pregnant around the end of June!!! I am cutting caffeine out of my diet, which has been giving me crazy headaches and has made me so tired. But it is best for the procedure so I am going to do it. I havent had it in 3 days! Its amazing how addicting caffeine is, and how hard it is so stop having it. I am so excited to start this process. The calendar was a little overwhelming, but they said to take it one day at a time and everything will be ok. I have great doctors and nurses, so everything will go great im sure. Our doctor said he has good hopes for us since we are so young, so that was reassuring. We are so excited and appreciate your prayers!!

Our Story

We first want to start this by sharing some of our story. We got married in November of 2006, going on five years this November :). Two years after we were married, we decided that we wanted to try to add another into our little family, we wanted a child. We had two years of trying for a baby with no success, and at this point we were both pretty concerned, scared, and emotional. It was then that we decided that we would go to see a doctor, someone who could tell us that we had nothing wrong, we were just missing the timing or something. Over the past 7 months, we have done many tests, and also have done a few artificial inseminations, all with no success. We recently received all of the results of our testing, and we have some significant issues that make it to where we cannot get pregnant on our own.

We have to do a treatment which is called In vetro Fertilization (IVF). Not only is it a hard procedure, but it is also a very costly one. We have to save $15,000 in order to try it, and it has a pretty good success rate, especially since we are young. So of course, this is our next step and we are now committed to saving the money. We are trying to have faith that God will provide, and we wanted to ask our family and friends who want to contribute anything to our savings, to help us out. Anything will help, even if all you can do is 5 dollars. Of course we dont expect you to, and we are saving as much as we can, but if you want to, then we would greatly appreciate it. I am linking my paypal account to this entry, Our email address for paypal is timandangie@hotmail.com

Also, we are not a charity so this isn't considered a charitable gift or a write off for your taxes.