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I didn't realize how my previous post looked and some words were cut off. Next time ill edit better :).

So here we are, after some of the hardest weeks of my life. My emotions have been crazy, im sure partially due to all of the medication I was on. Sometimes it is just crazy where you end up in life, in places that you never expected. Since I was a child, I expected that I would grow up, get married and have kids. There was no question in my mind at all that this would happen. And now here I am, grown up, married, and yet the kids aren't coming. It truly makes you question God, and so many other things, when the one thing you want most in the world cannot happen. How could a God who loves me, withhold the very thing that I always thought would be my purpose in life, to be a mom. The thing that breaks my heart when I think that it may never happen. When you are going through infertility, the question is always in your head, will we actually be able to have our own children. As you go through treatment after treatment, the question gets stronger, but who wants to actually face a question like that head on? I certainly did not. The past few weeks, I have been facing that question. We have done 3 inseminations, 2 rounds of IVF, and still nothing. We do have some embryos left, but the embryos that we create together are not very good. So here we are now, facing situations out of our control, and they require a faith that I do not have. What if we will never be able to look at a child and see our own selves in that child. What if we can never see what a child that we created will look like or act like. It is heartbreaking. At times I feel so angry that I have this empty place in my heart for our child, while people around me get to have that place in their hearts filled. I see pregnant women and know that they really don't know how lucky they are, because they get to have something and feel something that I may never feel, the experience of being pregnant.
Over the past few months, Tim and I have been looking into adoption. We have always had a desire to adopt, but we knew that we didn't want to pursue adoption while we were pursuing fertility treatments. We are now so ready to go down this road. I know that adopting a child will fill that empty place in our hearts that only our child can fill. I may or may not ever get to experience pregnancy, but we do get to experience saving a child's life. We are so excited about this process, and I am already praying for the birth mother who will choose us. The one person in this world who can give to me what me and Tim cannot have on our own. We have already started the process, and are filling out lots of paperwork and setting up meetings to get things going. I feel more excited about this than I have about any of the fertility treatments we have done. I am so ready for our child, and I am so ready to see my husband finally get to be a father, which is his dream. Continue to pray for us as we go down this new road, and as we work through some of the feelings that come with not being able to have our own child. I still pray that one day God does a miracle for us and allows me to get pregnant, but I also know that when we get to hold our adopted baby for the first time, we will feel more love for that child than we have ever known.

 

Infertility

Received this email from an infertility group today and it perfectly describes how I am feeling. Infertility. I don’t think words can describe the feeling a woman has when she hears that word. An overwhelming fear takes over her mind; the fear that she will never be a mother and that she may never be able to provide a child for her husband, who wants one just as bad. She fears that she will let him down. It’s something that cannot be fixed, but only maintained. It’s something that can only be truly understood by the person going through it. So many times she hears “just relax, it’ll happen,” or “stop trying and it will happen.” She politely takes the advice because she knows they are only trying to help, but in her head she is thinking, “How can relaxing make my ovaries work? Why is this happening to me?” She searches for the answer in others, but never seems to get the answer she wants. The doctors tell her that although she will need help getting pregnant, the chance is there. So she begins to gain back the excitement she had before because she is given a new hope. Negative # 1 comes and she is devastated, but she convinces herself that it takes more than one try and keeps her head held high. Negative # 2 comes and she is, once again, devastated. She has to move to the next step. While waiting for the time to begin treatment, she and her husband realize that they cannot afford the next step. They are struggling as it is and insurance covers nothing. They make the heartbreaking decision to take a break and they are stuck in what seems to be an endless whirl pool of emotion and devastation. Wanting a child is not like wanting a toy you can’t have. It is about wanting to know a love that not a single person can describe to you; the type of love that cannot be experienced in any other situation. There is only one way to experience that love, that bond. When that way seems to be taken from you with a possibility of it never being given back, it hurts. Sometimes, it hurts so bad you feel as though you can’t breathe. It hurts to the point that you become numb. That feelinghappens over and over and over again. The worst part is that you cannot predict the future, so you have to wait. You have to wait for something that you may never get. Let me tell you this; when it does happen to you, it’s almost the only thing you can think about. I wish it was as easy as saying my ABC’s, but the fact of the matter is that I have no say in what happens. My husband and I have to accept the fact that we may never be parents. Does that mean we are giving up? Absolutely not, but when you are faced with infertility, it’s something you have to deal with. Infertility has overcome me at times, but I have not let it consume me. I believe that God has a purpose in all of this. I know I may never understand what it is, but I know that if I trust Him, everything will be okay. I do not want my infertility to be a secret because it’s something serious and I believe I am meant to share. It affects my way of life. Why would God put me through something if I wasn’t mean to use it for His glory? God has used me through this. He has not only made me stronger, but he has made my marriage stronger as well as the other relationships in my life. We have a choice on how we react to situations. Though this journey is not easy for me, I have decided to react in a positive way. This is only the beginning of my story, but I hope I was able to provide a perspective that allows anybody who reads this to delve into a world that they may not have noticed before and realize the impact infertility has on the lives of those who deal with it. ----Kelsey Price