Feelings

The past months of my life have been life changing. Those of you who know me, know that already. I have been stretched and I have grown in ways that I have only dreamed of. I like to write, (if that wasnt obvious lol) and I have journals that go back to jr high and high school. One thing about journals is if you go back through them, you can see how much you have changed. In almost all of my journals I expressed sadness, and a longing to know God because for some reason I just didnt feel his love for me and I started to believe he really didnt love me. I couldnt understand how I could write in my journals for years that I wanted to know him and feel his love for me and he never seemed to meet that need. To me it seemed like a simple request, yet he wouldnt do it. I also prayed for a christian friend that I could connect with, and I couldnt seem to find that one person that I just clicked with. I felt incredibly lost and alone. I started to hate going to church, and I didnt even want to look at my Bible. I looked for ways to fill this need, and of course was unsuccessful. I met Tim, still looking to fill this need, and we got married very young. As you can imagine, this was very hard. We were both empty, looking to each other to complete each other, and the truth is another person cannot complete you, you and God have to do that on your own. It was exhausting, he was angry, I was angry, and we couldnt get along for anything. We then decided that HE needed counseling. Yes I said HE. Dont ask me how I got out of this, that is just how I was. I blamed everyone else for my problems, and if there was something wrong it had to be the other person. He did go, and he started changing a lot as he worked through some hard things. After a while he was done, and we tried to continue our marriage with this changed person he had become. Well, if both legs of a chair are broken, and you only fix one side, you still have a problem. I became more and more angry, and my anger was intense and I would rage and scream and throw things. I didnt know how to control it, it had to be Tim making me this angry. Finally Tim told me that my anger scared him because he didnt know how to respond to me when I was so angry. We then decided it was my turn to get help, and I have been for the past year. It has been incredible as I have learned and I have grown with the help of my counselor Tami. My intense anger has gone away, now I have learned to control my feelings and express them, and I have learned what caused the anger in me and I have worked through it. And it wasnt Tim haha. As I was going through counseling, we were also seeing infertility drs. Of course in June we decided to do IVF, and I truly thought it was my turn to get pregnant. I have worked through so much, my relationship with God has changed completely and I have learned that He truly loves me and I can even feel it now :). Of course you know we got negative results. I have been so upset, but I couldnt bring myself to thinking that God loves me less or anything like that. After all I have been through and faced in the past year, He has completely shown me his love and i completely believe it. I dont understand it, and I know he is in control, which can bring on both positive and negative feelings. If he is in control why wont he let me get pregnant, but he is in control so he knows what he is doing and I can have faith in the fact that he wants the best for me, even if it doesnt feel like it right now. I have been withdrawing a lot, it is so hard to go out and see families everywhere with their children, something that we dont have and almost feels impossible. I feel this great emptiness inside of me, and I have a huge fear that we wont be able to have our own children. A child that I can look at and see my husband and myself in. That i wont be able to experience pregnancy. Then the other part of me has faith, faith that even if we dont get that, even though I want it incredibly, that God has gotten me through so much and He will get us through the feelings of it. Everyone keeps saying im so strong, but i sure dont feel strong when I see a baby and then go home and cry for hours because I think I will never have my own. Or when I feel so frustrated with all of this and just want to quit. I mentioned earlier that I always prayed for a christian friend. God has given me that, and not only one but so many who have been exactly where Im at. They check on me daily and they know how I feel and what Im dealing with. I have faith some days, and then some days im completely empty. Its a roller coaster of emotions, but im getting through it. I just wanted to share a little of where ive been, and where im at now, and how i am doing, sorry to write a book haha. I really appreciate all of you who have reached out to us and have prayed for us and cared for us. You hold a special place in our hearts, even if we cannot show it very well right now. We love you!

Appointment Update

So yesterday was our follow up appointment with our dr. A lot of people are asking me about it, so I thought I would just post some of it as an update. First off, my doctor thinks that I have endometriosis. The cyst on my right ovary isnt going away, and he said when he was doing the retrieval and got to look at it, it had stuff in it that a normal cyst would not have. He said cysts also change sizes, and whatever I have is staying the same size. The only way to diagnose endometriosis is to do surgery, but he said there is no point to do that, he is just going to treat me as if I do have it. Next he went over our eggs, he told us that he has never seen embryos frozen on day 7, which is when ours were frozen. Most embryos are frozen on day 5, but ours developed really slow for some reason. He said there is not a lot of research done on why some embryos develop slowly and that there could be a problem, or there could not be one he doesnt know. He did say that embryos that he has frozen on day 6 have developed healthy babies, it doesnt take away the chance completely of getting pregnant, so I guess we just wait and see what day 7 embryos do. We do have a few that were frozen on day 6. He also talked about my levels, how they were really high and then really low. He said he doesnt know why I am not responding to the estrogen pills, but at least we know for next time that I do not respond to them. My level after the transfer went to 69 and it is supposed to stay over 200, so that could have messed up the cycle. So we asked when we can try again with our frozen embryos, and he said that he is going to put me on birth control for two months to get rid of the endometriosis before the next transfer. He said if we do 2 more transfers, we have a 3/4 change of getting pregnant. We are going to try again for sure one more time, it will probably be at the end of October or beginning of November. Im obviously having a really hard time with all of this, but I dont want to go into all of my feelings at the moment, so maybe in a few weeks ill be ready to write about them. Just wanted to update everyone praying for us about what is going on.

 

Praying

So one of the great things about where I work is that I get to meet a lot of pastors. Going through this, I have had many of them pray with me over the phone and check on me to see how things are going. The other day, I had a pastor come in and tell me that God has already answered my prayers, He has a baby for me and I need to be ready for it. He told me to go buy some baby clothes, and to start praying over them daily, and to let God know that I am ready for the baby he has for me. Well, a few months ago I had found this website that had baby clothes for people who have dealt with infertility. I loved them, and I asked my sister in law if she wouldnt mind creating them for me. She of course didnt mind, and they were ready this week! I am so excited to finally have them, and Tim and I are going to take the advice of the pastor who came to my office. We are going to hang up the clothes, trying to find the perfect place, and pray over them daily. We want God to know that we are ready for our baby, and that we are going to come to Him daily and ask Him for him or her. Here is part of my infertility devotion for today,

"Go to 1 Samuel, and take a seat next to Hannah.  She’s weeping profusely in the temple as she once again brings her petition for a child.  Her infertile heart has waited for years and years and she has observed Peninnah’s pregnancies progress time after time.  Now we see her burdened down in the temple weeping and crying again.  Scripture tells us that Hannah had cried until there were no more tears left to cry.  Her lips were moving, but no words were coming out of her mouth.  God didn’t need volume to hear her hurt.  He heard her heart’s cry even though no sound escaped her lips.  He responded to the desperation of this woman, and to the faith she had in her unseen God." 
Here are pictures of the baby clothes created for our baby that God has already planned for us
         

IVF #1

I didnt realize it had been so long since I had written anything. The past two weeks had been two of the hardest weeks of the whole process, and I really started to withdrawal a lot from everyone. So here is the update for the past few weeks. The transfer went well, but my estrogen levels had gotten so high, the embryologist told us that this may cause an issue.  The day they took out my eggs, my levels were about 4,000, and most people get at the most to 2,000. I had also had a ton of eggs. At the time i thought this was really exciting and great, but I learned that the more eggs that you have, the less quality the eggs are because there are just so many that need to develop. During IVF, they fertilize the eggs and put a few of them back into the uterus on day 5. We went back on day 5 for our transfer, but our eggs were developing really slowly. They took the two best ones that were ahead of the others and transfered them back in, and they told us they were going to let the others develop for a few more days before freezing. At the time there were 20 developing, not counting the ones they transfered back into my uterus. We got a call on day 7, and they told us that they were able to freeze 8 embryos out of the 20. Four are good quality, three are fair, and one is poor quality. I am worried about all of them because they developed so slowly, it could be a bad sign, but they seem to have some hope so I am trying to hold onto some also. Then after the transfer, I went in for the blood test to check my levels and my estrogen had dropped to 69, and it was supposed to be over 200. I was taking estrogen pills, but they decided also to put me on an estrogen patch. I went back the next day for another blood test, and the level went to 139. It still wasnt high enough, so they put me on 3 estrogen patches as well as the pills. I went back again for a blood test and my level went to 320 which was finally good. Yesterday morning I took a home test, which was negative and I knew it didnt work. Everyone else still had a lot more hope then I did and they started praying for different results during the blood test. I took another test this morning before we went in, which was also negative, and I told Tim to be prepared because it was going to be negative at the doctors office. And it was. Its hard to think that after all of this we didnt get pregnant, but I have hope that we have 4 embryos that are good quality that we can try again with, which we will. We have to give my body a chance to rest some and go back to normal, I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I can still feel my ovaries going back to their original size, and at times if i move the wrong way I get a lot of pain. My levels also need to go back to normal, so that when we try again my body will be ready to accept the embryo. I thought the hardest part of IVF would be the shots, but the hardest part was definately the 2 week wait and I am not looking forward to doing that part again. It was one of the hardest 2 weeks I have had to go through, and by the end I was so drained from waiting and hoping and praying and thinking every little thing was a sign of pregnancy. I just pray that God will allow us to have our own child, a part of me is so scared that He isnt going to allow that to happen. I do appreciate all of your prayers, and support through the whole process. We are going to try our IVF #2 in a few months. It is not going to be as hard as the first one, less medications and I dont have to go through the retrieval and all of that again. It is also 5,000 instead of 15,000 which is still a lot, but we want to give it one more try before giving up. We want our own child that will look like us, and have a part of me and Tim in them. I really do hope all of you parents out there truly realize how lucky you are to have your children, because it really is a blessing. I know the turmoil of not being able to have one or even get pregnant, so I really hope when you think of us going through this you will be reminded of what a gift you have really been given. Ill keep you up to date as we start our next cycle in a few months.