Friday, April 18, 2014
Glimpse
I love when God gives me a glimpse of things through His eyes. Sometimes life can be so full of chaos, and things to get done, and time being given out in a ton of different directions, and you lose sight of what God has for you. This is one reason that I LOVE to take pictures, it allows me to slow down and to see moments, to really see them down to the smallest detail. At times, in the midst of motherhood, dealing with constant arguing and discipline, it is so easy to lose sight of how precious these little ones are. To see how their little eyes light up when I just put everything down and focus only on them. To see how much they yearn to be known, to be loved fully to the smallest detail of who they are, to be encouraged and to know that I, their mommy, notice how good they are at doing the smallest things. Being a mommy is such a huge job, to know you are shaping a small child and that their experiences with you will be how they experience the world. I have relied on myself for so long to meet their needs, and I was so lost in it all. Lately, we have been going through a huge learning journey in the Mantzey household. We are actually seeking God in things, and learning to trust Him. I have prayed more for my sweet kids in the last few weeks then I ever have, and I love that God is giving me the strength I need to shape and care for them as He would want them to be cared for. This is the greatest task God has ever entrusted Tim and I with, loving kids who come from backgrounds that already shaped them in ways that we have to help them work through. It is so hard at times, but there are the sweetest moments along the journey that make my heart melt. I SEE them growing and changing. I see them taking the small steps to really trust us. This morning Jessy climbed on my lap and said, mommy I hear your heart, it says, "I love Jessy." I tell her this all the time, but its the first time she's ever said it to me first. Our sweet 3 year old has the hardest time out of all 3 of the kids allowing us into her heart, so moments like these are so amazing. There are occasionally still the questions, are you still my mom? Will I still be living here? Will you leave me? Was I in your belly when I was a baby? But these questions are happening a lot less often as we are slowly starting to see them gain more confidence in who they are and security in our love for them. I cannot imagine being so small and wondering if this home will last forever, I am so lucky that I was born into security, love and stability. I love to see their sweet personalities just coming out. They are all so funny, and their laughter is contagious. I am so in love with them from their sweet curls, to their big blue eyes, their amazing spirits and their openness to trust us.
Monday, April 7, 2014
Challenge
What a year it has been so far! I truly want and long to be as honest and real as I can so that God can use our journey, our circumstances, and our trials and they are not wasted. This year has been pretty hard so far, physically, emotionally and as a family.
Physically, I had been getting some really bad stomach pains, and my sweet husband made me go to the doctor. (Thanks Tim). After some testing at the doctor they found two cysts on my ovary that are not "normal" looking, and then discovered a lump during a routine physical at the same appointment. I was freaking out. I came home crying and scared, and faced the next few days with the urgency to have them over so I could find out what was going on. I met with the surgeon which calmed our minds about the lump, but did find out I needed surgery for the cysts (which will be happening in a few days). Combine that with the random vertigo that I had for over a month, passing out for the first time ever a few weeks ago, breaking my toe recently, and it has been a scary few months! I had an EKG to make sure everything was ok with my heart since I passed out, and it all came back clear, thank God.
Besides the physical challenges I have been facing so far this year, we have also been seeking some help to keep our new family of 5 headed in the right direction. As TJ has started school, he has faced some challenges, and our sweet (at least she is sweet sometimes haha) little 3 year old has needed some help with developing healthy attachments and working through some anger and frustration that she has. Parenting is such hard work, and parenting three children who have been through trauma, abuse, new homes, new families, and broken trust has definitely proven to have its difficulties. Trying to meet their many needs, as well as keep things healthy in our marriage is quite the task. Trying to gain the trust of kids who have had their trust broken so many times has been challenging, and they already ask a lot of questions about whose belly they were in, where they come from, etc. I am grateful that God chose us to help heal these sweet kids, but overwhelmed at the same time. We have also had challenges hit our marriage from many different directions, and we are in the process of trying to heal and overcome while finding the support and help that we need to do things, and to heal in the right way.
Over the past two weeks, God has shown me something that I have been ignoring for a while. He is breaking me so that I rely on Him. God has shown me how much anger I have towards Him after facing infertility, how much anger I have towards "the church." Not a specific church, just church in general. How WRONG my view is of Him. How much I try to do on my own. How often I claim to be a "Christian" but that is all it is, an appearance based claim. How I never go to Him, how I lack trust in Him, and how I am so overwhelmed because I face every situation without Him, and without seeking His direction. I don't have his peace because I don't allow Him to give it to me. We may have "standards" we live by, but we don't live by them because of our love for Him, its because of the appearance of being Christian and what we are "supposed" to do. We have recently been seeking help through Sandals Church, which has been amazing for us. We are learning to be "real" with where we are at, our deepest struggles. God has allowed situations in my life to happen that have caused my heart to break and its hard to trust Him to be the one to heal my heart. To admit that I cannot do this on my own, even though I have tried. Obviously this blog has been a place for me to share our journey, to be real and so many people have followed it and been there for us through it. I can tell that the next step for Tim and I is going to be the most important step. I thought having kids would be the most important step, but God has used our sweet kids to show me even more how I cannot do this journey without Him.
I cannot say I'm much farther along than this at the moment, I havent just gained trust for Him overnight, and the anger that I feel towards church/God is not just gone. But as I said, its a journey, and there are certain things God is doing in our lives and certain people He recently brought into our lives that are challenging me and my views. That are praying for us because we were real and honest and open with them. That know exactly where we are at, and are committed to help us. Seeing God's grace through this, even as I type it out, is softening my heart little by little to Him.
Physically, I had been getting some really bad stomach pains, and my sweet husband made me go to the doctor. (Thanks Tim). After some testing at the doctor they found two cysts on my ovary that are not "normal" looking, and then discovered a lump during a routine physical at the same appointment. I was freaking out. I came home crying and scared, and faced the next few days with the urgency to have them over so I could find out what was going on. I met with the surgeon which calmed our minds about the lump, but did find out I needed surgery for the cysts (which will be happening in a few days). Combine that with the random vertigo that I had for over a month, passing out for the first time ever a few weeks ago, breaking my toe recently, and it has been a scary few months! I had an EKG to make sure everything was ok with my heart since I passed out, and it all came back clear, thank God.
Besides the physical challenges I have been facing so far this year, we have also been seeking some help to keep our new family of 5 headed in the right direction. As TJ has started school, he has faced some challenges, and our sweet (at least she is sweet sometimes haha) little 3 year old has needed some help with developing healthy attachments and working through some anger and frustration that she has. Parenting is such hard work, and parenting three children who have been through trauma, abuse, new homes, new families, and broken trust has definitely proven to have its difficulties. Trying to meet their many needs, as well as keep things healthy in our marriage is quite the task. Trying to gain the trust of kids who have had their trust broken so many times has been challenging, and they already ask a lot of questions about whose belly they were in, where they come from, etc. I am grateful that God chose us to help heal these sweet kids, but overwhelmed at the same time. We have also had challenges hit our marriage from many different directions, and we are in the process of trying to heal and overcome while finding the support and help that we need to do things, and to heal in the right way.
Over the past two weeks, God has shown me something that I have been ignoring for a while. He is breaking me so that I rely on Him. God has shown me how much anger I have towards Him after facing infertility, how much anger I have towards "the church." Not a specific church, just church in general. How WRONG my view is of Him. How much I try to do on my own. How often I claim to be a "Christian" but that is all it is, an appearance based claim. How I never go to Him, how I lack trust in Him, and how I am so overwhelmed because I face every situation without Him, and without seeking His direction. I don't have his peace because I don't allow Him to give it to me. We may have "standards" we live by, but we don't live by them because of our love for Him, its because of the appearance of being Christian and what we are "supposed" to do. We have recently been seeking help through Sandals Church, which has been amazing for us. We are learning to be "real" with where we are at, our deepest struggles. God has allowed situations in my life to happen that have caused my heart to break and its hard to trust Him to be the one to heal my heart. To admit that I cannot do this on my own, even though I have tried. Obviously this blog has been a place for me to share our journey, to be real and so many people have followed it and been there for us through it. I can tell that the next step for Tim and I is going to be the most important step. I thought having kids would be the most important step, but God has used our sweet kids to show me even more how I cannot do this journey without Him.
I cannot say I'm much farther along than this at the moment, I havent just gained trust for Him overnight, and the anger that I feel towards church/God is not just gone. But as I said, its a journey, and there are certain things God is doing in our lives and certain people He recently brought into our lives that are challenging me and my views. That are praying for us because we were real and honest and open with them. That know exactly where we are at, and are committed to help us. Seeing God's grace through this, even as I type it out, is softening my heart little by little to Him.
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