I got to hang out with one of my great friends, Diana today. She asked me when I was going to post in my blog next because it really speaks to her when I do. I have had one written for a few weeks, but wasnt sure if I was going to post it because I didn't know if I was just dragging people down with all of this stuff going on in our lives. But since she asked me to, I am going to post it.
Sometimes life just feels like a huge roller coaster ride. That pretty much describes the past few months of mine and Tim's lives, past years actually. But the past few months have been full of so much emotion, as God seemed to bring together our past, present and future in a way that was terrifying and made us COMPLETELY rely upon Him as we didn't know what was going to happen next. Thankfully everything is finally starting to turn around. I did not realize how terrifying it is to have to rely completely on God in a situation. I have never felt so much frustration at God, and yet had to rely upon Him anyways. With so many of the different avenues for us to have a child closing, I hold on tight to the very few that we have left. But its when we hold onto someting so tightly that God steps in and can make sure our priorities are correct, and that our love for Him outweighs the thing we are holding onto. He tested our faith strongly. It is so hard to be able to say to God that it is completely up to Him to give us our child. I feel like if I can take shots, or medications, or complete paperwork or do SOMETHING, anything really, that maybe I am still in control. It is so hard to give all of that up to Him, especially when I feel He hasn't done very well with it so far. That is so selfish to say, who am I to tell God how something should be done? Yet, I do it, a lot haha. One thing I am very thankful for is to have a God who can handle me and my feelings, and not give up on me even when I feel ready to give up on Him. When I feel like He has given me this great desire and is not fulfilling it, yet makes me watch so many people around me have it fulfilled. Then I hear a song, or get a text or word of encouragement from someone, or just sense His presence more than usual at a given moment, and it keeps me going a little longer. It is so hard to pray and read my Bible, and even go to church at times when I feel so frustrated and angry at the God of this Universe. When I know in one second He could take care of this situation and take away this pain, but He chooses not to. I know in my head that there has to be a reason for all of this, and it could be a form of protection, but in my heart I just feel that it is so mean. When I have been struggling to have a child for 3 years, and then people around me get pregnant in a month. Or when I go to birthday parties for these amazing kids in my life, celebrating that they are one, and it just kills me inside because I knew I would have a baby by the time they were born, yet alone their first birthdays. I try incredibly hard not to focus on it all of the time, but that is pretty much impossible to do. It is too close to us, all around us, all the time. As our adoption is finally on the move again, it is nice to feel some sense of hope, that maybe soon we will get selected by a birth mother and have the child that God has CREATED for US. I remember when we first started going through infertility, I would hear this question in my head from God, "Angie will you still love me if I do not give you a child? Will you still love me if you can never be pregnant?" Man it stings just typing it out. It is the question I have been ignoring since the beginning of this, because I knew God would just give me a child and I wouldn't have to answer it. Yet here we are, and I know I may never get to have my husbands child except for a miracle, and although it is sooo hard and frustrating, and I struggle incredibly with my feelings, I know that God loves me and I choose to believe His plan for me is great. That this part of our life wont last forever. And I know that I love Him. How many people can truly say that? That if their biggest dream was taken away, and they knew that God could fulfill it but wouldnt, that they still truly loved Him. I never thought I would be able to, but through a broken heart, I can. I am amazed to look back on the journey He has taken us on, I am amazed at how much my husband and I have grown, at how much I personally have grown, and I know without all of this I wouldn't have. So many times we pray for God to take the pain away, to make is stop. But the truth is we should pray that God uses the pain and circumstances to teach us, and mold us and shape us to be like Him and to grow in ways that are impossible to grow when things are perfect and happy. The truth is we will all go through times in our life where things are so hard we truly don't see how we can get through it, but as one of my favorite songs says, " You never said it would be easy, You only said I'll never go alone." We serve an incredible God who has more in store for us than just making us happy and granting our wishes. I know God has a plan for Tim and I, and I cannot wait to meet our little bundle of joy as we continue to pray to be matched with the child that God has created just for us!
