Thursday, July 17, 2014
First Chance
As I reflect on what I named my blog, "first chance" I just think of all of the ways that title has been used in our lives. Our story is one of ups and downs, highs and lows, as everyone's is. I try to be honest so I don't present us as this perfect family who has it all together, because the truth is no matter what anyone "shows" for the world to see, whether its on facebook, appearance, a smile that may be hiding a lot, everyone has their own battles to face. As I look back on ours, I see both joy and pain, times of faith and times of complete emptiness, times of anger and rage, and times of peace. I remember the brokenness and the hopelessness, and at times still feel it. The thoughts of wonder as to what God was doing, and trying to trust Him in times that I had no idea who He even was or if He even existed. I faced dreams that went unfulfilled and I felt my dreams change as God prepared my heart for new directions. Times where I felt completely unsafe, where I was on a huge cliff and the only way off was to jump. I have seen my marriage at times sink, but I have also seen it endure more than I ever thought that it could. I have seen our hearts grow, as we explored areas that we never wanted to explore. I have seen that brokenness really does cause your faith to grow in ways that happiness could never allow it to grow. I have had to trust with my whole heart, because the road ahead of me was so dark and scary that I had no other choice but to trust the one who created it and could see far beyond what I could. I have been shown awful sides of myself, and I have had to push myself to change and grow. We have jumped in with both feet and complete faith, and we have put up walls to completely keep God out. I have questioned and I have tested and I have doubted. I have taken advantage of what God has given me, and I have ruined some of what He has given me. I have taken the road He wanted me to take, and I have cared less about where He wanted me to go. Yet, He remained faithful to me. As I look back on the many moments of my life, the one things that stayed constant was Him. Even when I didn't feel him around, even when I didn't want him around. When I screamed at Him in anger, or cried to Him with more tears then I even knew I could cry. When I didn't trust Him, He still remained faithful. Even when he gave me one of my greatest blessings, my heart remained angry at Him, and He still remained faithful. He has given Tim and I more than I could imagine, more than I could ever need. I pray for a soft, satisfied and loving heart. And I pray that I can reflect even a small amount of who God is to my husband and to my kids. That they will know that no matter what happens in their life, I will be faithful. God has once again brought us to a new season in our life. We recently found ourselves, our marriage, and our parenting really struggling. We quickly got ourselves into counseling, but we started seeking some help from a nearby church that we have both been to before and loved, but thought I was too large for us to actually get involved in. We went the first week with no intention of actually attending, but just trying to seek some help because we were lost. I know we make it seem like taking on three kids has been super easy, but it hasn't. Its been such a challenge to keep our marriage on track, to help them exactly where they need it, and to not get too overwhelmed with it all. Sandals Church has met us right where we are at, with couples who have adopted and have lovingly been accepting of us, to offering classes, and setting us up with a couple to meet with a few times a month. Our lives have been changing in the past two months in ways that we haven't seen in a long time. I cannot wait to dive in and get more connected and to see our kids thrive there. One thing is certain, God always brings us just the right people, at just the right times.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Being a Mom is Tough
Lets get real here. This is one thing I SWORE I would not do when I was finally able to have children: to write about how HARD it is to be a mom. I was convinced that once God gave them to me, I would enjoy every moment, even when they were hard because I knew all of the tears I had shed waiting for them. When God went overboard and gave me three at one time, I was ecstatic. I knew I could handle it and handle it well because, after all, God GAVE them to me. He trusted ME with them.
Being a mom is no joke. My sister sent me this online Bible study and right when I read the title of the book they were going through, I knew I wanted to join it with her. The book is called, Am I messing Up my Kids? I joined because I wanted the truth about what others deal with when it comes to being a mom. Its so easy to get caught up in the facebook posts of everyone's kids smiling and happy, and I myself am totally guilty of posting the most precious moments. The truth is, being a mom has a lot more moments that are not precious, they are not easy, and they are more challenging than I can seem to describe on this blog. The study challenged us all to write a blog post on why being a mom is tough, and I'm glad I get to participate
Today is a great example! We went to the park this morning, which was really fun. Then we get kicked out of the park area because TJ rang the doorbell to the "museum house" like 20 times and the lady was not very happy. Of course I post all of the cute pictures, but leave out the getting kicked out part. Then we get home, and I'm ready to get these kids fed and in bed so I can work on designing some flyers (I work from home a few days a week.) I go to turn my computer on, and my monitor is completely dead. I load up the kids back into the car (traveling and shopping with three kids is not a fast thing to do---ever) and off we go to get a monitor. We get home and I feed them and put them in bed, and about 20 minutes later I hear some noises coming from the room. Uh huh. I quietly sneak down the hallway to find out who is the culprit, and I hear TJ and Shan screaming and laughing and throwing toys at each other. I frustratingly yell at them to get back in their beds (yes, yell) and get to sleep (Shan had already been whining the past hour because she was SOOO tired---uh huh). I go back in the living room to sit down and get some work done, and no sooner do I know it, I hear them again! This time they were so loud they woke up their little sister, who needs a nap more than any of them. Jess comes out crying and crying, TJ and Shan are crying because they knew I'm upset that they just woke up Jessy. Toby walks up to Jessy and licks her, and you would have thought the dog just bit her arm off with the way she starting crying hysterically (which means she didn't sleep near enough). And at this moment, I long for my little facebook pictures that show sweet littles smiles hiding all of the craziness that goes on in this little house. Then later I start making some dinner, and I hear some screaming going on outside, and Shan opens the door and screams, MOM JESSY POOPED IN HER BATHING SUIT. Jessy is crying and upset, I go out there to hose her down (yep you read me right) and TJ starts screaming at me that he saw a spider and I needed to kill it right now! I lose it. Do you NOT see that I'm taking care of poop right now?????? (Yes funny now, but not in the moment.) He goes inside crying because I raised my voice and he's sensitive and Jessy is screaming because she has poop all over her. I finally get her clean, and I go inside to find my spaghetti sauce has popped all over the kitchen walls and the stove because I hadn't been in there to stir it. The feelings of frustration that can rise up inside us moms is hard. Especially with three little ones. And this is just one day!
Your kids show you where you struggle, they start acting out your struggles and failures. If you struggle with anger (which is my huge struggle), you will start to see it coming out in them. I am learning that I need to lean harder on God, because He is the only one who can sustain me through these moments. As my kids are being normal kids, and even the parts of them that are dealing with things that "normal" kids don't have to deal with because of all of their past trauma, I am the one who is with them to teach them and help guide them through life. In these day to day moments when I yell or get frustrated at them, its so easy for Satan to get into my thoughts and get me thinking that I am messing up my kids, that I am not a good mom, that they deserve more and that I will never be what they need. He tries to get me to forget God's mercy, and when I am willing to listen, God reminds me that He did not call me to be a perfect mom, but to be an imperfect one that can show them His grace. When I mess up, I can apologize and show them the side of me that needs forgiveness and that needs God. I am not a perfect mom by any means, I struggle and I don't understand. I get overwhelmed and at times feel really lost in this huge thing called motherhood. Through this Bible study, I am glad that I am seeing I don't have to be perfect, and that other moms struggle just as I do!
You can view the Bible Study Blog by clicking on the picture below if you want to join :)
Being a mom is no joke. My sister sent me this online Bible study and right when I read the title of the book they were going through, I knew I wanted to join it with her. The book is called, Am I messing Up my Kids? I joined because I wanted the truth about what others deal with when it comes to being a mom. Its so easy to get caught up in the facebook posts of everyone's kids smiling and happy, and I myself am totally guilty of posting the most precious moments. The truth is, being a mom has a lot more moments that are not precious, they are not easy, and they are more challenging than I can seem to describe on this blog. The study challenged us all to write a blog post on why being a mom is tough, and I'm glad I get to participate
Today is a great example! We went to the park this morning, which was really fun. Then we get kicked out of the park area because TJ rang the doorbell to the "museum house" like 20 times and the lady was not very happy. Of course I post all of the cute pictures, but leave out the getting kicked out part. Then we get home, and I'm ready to get these kids fed and in bed so I can work on designing some flyers (I work from home a few days a week.) I go to turn my computer on, and my monitor is completely dead. I load up the kids back into the car (traveling and shopping with three kids is not a fast thing to do---ever) and off we go to get a monitor. We get home and I feed them and put them in bed, and about 20 minutes later I hear some noises coming from the room. Uh huh. I quietly sneak down the hallway to find out who is the culprit, and I hear TJ and Shan screaming and laughing and throwing toys at each other. I frustratingly yell at them to get back in their beds (yes, yell) and get to sleep (Shan had already been whining the past hour because she was SOOO tired---uh huh). I go back in the living room to sit down and get some work done, and no sooner do I know it, I hear them again! This time they were so loud they woke up their little sister, who needs a nap more than any of them. Jess comes out crying and crying, TJ and Shan are crying because they knew I'm upset that they just woke up Jessy. Toby walks up to Jessy and licks her, and you would have thought the dog just bit her arm off with the way she starting crying hysterically (which means she didn't sleep near enough). And at this moment, I long for my little facebook pictures that show sweet littles smiles hiding all of the craziness that goes on in this little house. Then later I start making some dinner, and I hear some screaming going on outside, and Shan opens the door and screams, MOM JESSY POOPED IN HER BATHING SUIT. Jessy is crying and upset, I go out there to hose her down (yep you read me right) and TJ starts screaming at me that he saw a spider and I needed to kill it right now! I lose it. Do you NOT see that I'm taking care of poop right now?????? (Yes funny now, but not in the moment.) He goes inside crying because I raised my voice and he's sensitive and Jessy is screaming because she has poop all over her. I finally get her clean, and I go inside to find my spaghetti sauce has popped all over the kitchen walls and the stove because I hadn't been in there to stir it. The feelings of frustration that can rise up inside us moms is hard. Especially with three little ones. And this is just one day!
Your kids show you where you struggle, they start acting out your struggles and failures. If you struggle with anger (which is my huge struggle), you will start to see it coming out in them. I am learning that I need to lean harder on God, because He is the only one who can sustain me through these moments. As my kids are being normal kids, and even the parts of them that are dealing with things that "normal" kids don't have to deal with because of all of their past trauma, I am the one who is with them to teach them and help guide them through life. In these day to day moments when I yell or get frustrated at them, its so easy for Satan to get into my thoughts and get me thinking that I am messing up my kids, that I am not a good mom, that they deserve more and that I will never be what they need. He tries to get me to forget God's mercy, and when I am willing to listen, God reminds me that He did not call me to be a perfect mom, but to be an imperfect one that can show them His grace. When I mess up, I can apologize and show them the side of me that needs forgiveness and that needs God. I am not a perfect mom by any means, I struggle and I don't understand. I get overwhelmed and at times feel really lost in this huge thing called motherhood. Through this Bible study, I am glad that I am seeing I don't have to be perfect, and that other moms struggle just as I do!
You can view the Bible Study Blog by clicking on the picture below if you want to join :)
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