First Chance

As I reflect on what I named my blog, "first chance" I just think of all of the ways that title has been used in our lives. Our story is one of ups and downs, highs and lows, as everyone's is. I try to be honest so I don't present us as this perfect family who has it all together, because the truth is no matter what anyone "shows" for the world to see, whether its on facebook, appearance, a smile that may be hiding a lot,  everyone has their own battles to face. As I look back on ours, I see both joy and pain, times of faith and times of complete emptiness, times of anger and rage, and times of peace. I remember the brokenness and the hopelessness, and at times still feel it. The thoughts of wonder as to what God was doing, and trying to trust Him in times that I had no idea who He even was or if He even existed. I faced dreams that went unfulfilled and I felt my dreams change as God prepared my heart for new directions. Times where I felt completely unsafe, where I was on a huge cliff and the only way off was to jump. I have seen my marriage at times sink, but I have also seen it endure more than I ever thought that it could. I have seen our hearts grow, as we explored areas that we never wanted to explore. I have seen that brokenness really does cause your faith to grow in ways that happiness could never allow it to grow. I have had to trust with my whole heart, because the road ahead of me was so dark and scary that I had no other choice but to trust the one who created it and could see far beyond what I could. I have been shown awful sides of myself, and I have had to push myself to change and grow. We have jumped in with both feet and complete faith, and we have put up walls to completely keep God out. I have questioned and I have tested and I have doubted. I have taken advantage of what God has given me, and I have ruined some of what He has given me. I have taken the road He wanted me to take, and I have cared less about where He wanted me to go. Yet, He remained faithful to me. As I look back on the many moments of my life, the one things that stayed constant was Him. Even when I didn't feel him around, even when I didn't want him around. When I screamed at Him in anger, or cried to Him with more tears then I even knew I could cry. When I  didn't trust Him, He still remained faithful. Even when he gave me one of my greatest blessings, my heart remained angry at Him, and He still remained faithful. He has given Tim and I more than I could imagine, more than I could ever need. I pray for a soft, satisfied and loving heart. And I pray that I can reflect even a small amount of who God is to my husband and to my kids. That they will know that no matter what happens in their life, I will be faithful. God has once again brought us to a new season in our life. We recently found ourselves, our marriage, and our parenting really struggling. We quickly got ourselves into counseling, but we started seeking some help from a nearby church that we have both been to before and loved, but thought I was too large for us to actually get involved in. We went the first week with no intention of actually attending, but just trying to seek some help because we were lost. I know we make it seem like taking on three kids has been super easy, but it hasn't. Its been such a challenge to keep our marriage on track, to help them exactly where they need it, and to not get too overwhelmed with it all. Sandals Church has met us right where we are at, with couples who have adopted and have lovingly been accepting of us, to offering classes, and setting us up with a couple to meet with a few times a month. Our lives have been changing in the past two months in ways that we haven't seen in a long time. I cannot wait to dive in and get more connected and to see our kids thrive there. One thing is certain, God always brings us just the right people, at just the right times.