Im sure you have all heard the song blessings, heres the chorus:
what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
I love this song and have spent time listening to each word of it and memorizing them, and claiming them for my own life. A while ago when I heard it, I could relate to it but I didn't fully understand each line. what if your blessings come through raindrops, Tim and I have been rained on hard the past year, and i wouldn't even call them rain drops I would say it was the whole storm! But I didn't feel blessed during this time, I was just waiting for it to be over so we could experience the blessing. Or the last line, What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise, how the heck is a trial God's mercy? We are facing hopefully one of the biggest trials of our life, and I wouldn't have called it mercy. We have finally passed our homestudy, which was in itself a hard journey and it has helped things to mostly calm down, and over past two months of our lives, I have learned and felt some incredible things! I now understand the lyrics, because I am feeling a joy in my heart that I have never felt before, AND we still DO NOT have a child! Its crazy! I remember someone who had also gone through inferility telling me I would get to the point where I could give it all to God and feel peace, and I thought she was seriously insane. There was no way. God has shown me that He is a BIG God, and He has me covered and has a plan for me. It has been so amazing to just be able to relax with my husband the past months and enjoy what we have together, and to make it even greater! To trust that God has this covered and to be able to focus on other things and to continue to discover who I am and to continue to grow confident in that person. I know I have said this before, but my perspective of people and the world, and of God a few years ago, and my perspective now is completely different. It amazes me still. I honestly never thought I could have relationships with people that were so honest and open and caring. It still amazes me as I go through my days and spend time investing into all of these people God has placed in my life, that I had missed all of this before. I am learning what it means to follow God, to be loved completely by Him no matter what. I am learning how to have a relationship with Him and He is showing me how to love others. I have spent time with amazing people, learn to make the greatest cookies (thanks Heather), cut my hair off haha, gone to the beach a lot, enjoyed and laughed with my husband, and have just had fun! I keep reminding myself that I will only live one time, and I don't want to waste it. God has taken me way out of what I was comfortable with and it has been an amazing journey, and He has used infertility to make me completly rely upon Him because I have absolutely NO control over it, even if I wanted to. It isn't a situation where I can change my mind and say, O wait, thanks for trying God but I think ill just take that one back and handle it on my own. I can do nothing. I have to TRUST Him. I know I post all of these things when I am doing well and have processed things, but this has been a hard journey. I have had to make decisions that I honestly could have ever have imagined I would have to make, I have had to experience feelings that I never want to feel again. Even yesterday when I was talking to my friend, she said, man it seems like all anyone has to do to get pregnant is hang around you. It does feel true, everyone around me gets pregnant quickly and I think this whole journey someone close to me has been pregnant the whole time. Its a balancing act learning how to be happy for them, yet to also know its ok to be sad for me, but to not let it drag me down too low. To learn what I can and cannot handle, and to learn how God has created me to be in the process. I know people go through hard things, things that they honestly do not think they can handle, but know this, there is an amazing God who truly loves you. So many times when things are hard we are so busy wondering why God would allow this to happen to us, that we can miss the journey that may just explain the reasoning. You could miss the growth that comes when God does allow something to happen in your life that feels unbearable. I truly want to be a person that loves and prays for others when they are facing the hard times, because that is what gets them through it. If you have anything that I can keep you in prayer for, please comment it on this post or email it to me. I will write it down and keep it personal, and pray for you.
