Well I just spent the last hour combining my blogs to this one. It just didn't feel right starting on this blog, and leaving our whole story behind on the other. So now, If you go to the blog archive, its all there, from the first IVF to now.
I am going to be really honest in this blog, as I always try to be. I don't see the point in hiding our feelings, if we feel them, there is a reason for it and we might as well voice and give the feelings life so we can process them. I have been struggling lately. I have felt this empty place in my heart that I cannot seem to stop going to. I feel like its really messing with me, and it is causing me a lot of emotions. I think this whole time I have tried to use adoption to cover up our infertility, but the truth is, adoption or no adoption, we are still infertile. And its a place in my heart I cant just ignore or push aside, because its reality for me. I am trying to find a way to process this, and make some peace with it, because at this moment it really hurts. As I was switching over all the blogs to this site, and I was reading about our first treatment, about my faith, my love for God and other people, my growth, my peace, and ultimately getting my children, I am amazed at how much faith I had in God. And at this point I am wondering where that went. I know it isn't God who moved away from me, its me who moved away from Him. I really don't know how people process such deep, emotional issues, and still find that strong faith in God. I miss it. I want it back. Its hard when you look at things in life, not to get angry at Him. And it sounds ridiculous because God is the giver of good things. But when you see situations happen and you know he can change it but doesn't, its hard not to get angry. I think one of the things that bothers me the most, is when Christians act like it is so easy to just trust God with everything, because the reality is that faith is not easy, faith is hard. Apparently this is another growth season in my life. I just hope that as me and God deal with my feelings in this, and I can show my kids that loving God doesn't mean it always has to be perfect or easy, but that you don't give up. Even when you aren't feeling Him, even when you are angry, that He can handle it. And I know I am a lot to handle.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Thursday, September 19, 2013
I really am conflicted about which blog to keep up! I love the other one, because it has our story from the very beginning, before we did our first treatment, to getting a call on the kids, to actually getting them. But this site will help me connect better with others who have been where we are. I think I have officially decided to switch over to this one, but I am sad to do it! Anyways, onto the real stuff...
So the past few weeks have been some of the hardest on me since God has blessed me with three kids. I have been very emotional, and tired, and drained. My son asked me about two weeks ago if he was in my belly when he was a baby. It was the HARDEST thing to have to tell him no, you weren't, which led to a series of questions and emotions on his part. I completely understand that this sweet boy has been moved around so much, and is so confused by everything that has happened in his short life, and is going to experience a range of emotions in processing this. He cried and cried and cried, telling me he wanted his mommy, some of the hardest words I have had to hear. There is nothing like holding your son who is crying because he wants his "first mom." My heart started breaking. I know how insecure my son is, how scared he is of having to leave our home and go somewhere else, not understanding of why he has been moved around so much, wondering if his first mom loved him, but his insecurities started to bring out mine. From before we got the kids, I wondered, will he feel like I am really his mom? Can I love him as if he were my own child? What if he wants her more than he wants me? Its amazing how emotion can allow your mind to wander in such bad directions. But here we are, facing the reality of our situation - he does have a birth mom, he will want to know about her, he will feel abandoned by her, and I will feel my heart dropping to the floor when he asks about her. I really thought I would be fine when he asked, I didn't expect it to be so soon, but I have thought about this exact situation and how I would handle it, and in my head it went perfectly. I could use some prayer as I am trying to process this. As my heart hurts, it is taking my brain on a roller coaster ride with thoughts and feelings that are not true, but feel very real. As I try not to let my feelings and emotions impact my role as a wife and a mom. I know this is not TJ's fault, and he by no means deserves a lesser mom, he needs a mom who will step up and help and allow him to sort out his feelings, and that is exactly what I am trying to be. To not put my insecurities and feelings on him, because they are mine to deal with and not his, and he should not have to feel bad or guilty for asking questions about the truth of his life. I know what I need to be, and am trying to be, I just need my feelings and my heart to step up and get to where the truth is. If that makes any sense at all.
On a more positive update, the kids have been doing very well, despite the last paragraph. Jessy is talking and talking, and the more she talks the more I fall in love with her. She is such a joy, and when I look at her I just can't believe God choose me to be her mom. Shannon is doing great as well, she is learning so much and as TJ comes home from school, she wants to learn everything he did. With TJ starting school recently, it gives me a chance to spend more time with just the girls. It amazes me how young they start using their imagination, and the things that they can come up with. TJ has started basketball, which he is really enjoying. I cant wait to see his first game! They are all growing like crazy and changing everyday. I cant believe its almost been a year since we got them!
TJ's first basketball practice
LOVE his smile and eyes!
Swinging her baby around. Its amazing how young girls
have the desire to be a mommy one day.
So the past few weeks have been some of the hardest on me since God has blessed me with three kids. I have been very emotional, and tired, and drained. My son asked me about two weeks ago if he was in my belly when he was a baby. It was the HARDEST thing to have to tell him no, you weren't, which led to a series of questions and emotions on his part. I completely understand that this sweet boy has been moved around so much, and is so confused by everything that has happened in his short life, and is going to experience a range of emotions in processing this. He cried and cried and cried, telling me he wanted his mommy, some of the hardest words I have had to hear. There is nothing like holding your son who is crying because he wants his "first mom." My heart started breaking. I know how insecure my son is, how scared he is of having to leave our home and go somewhere else, not understanding of why he has been moved around so much, wondering if his first mom loved him, but his insecurities started to bring out mine. From before we got the kids, I wondered, will he feel like I am really his mom? Can I love him as if he were my own child? What if he wants her more than he wants me? Its amazing how emotion can allow your mind to wander in such bad directions. But here we are, facing the reality of our situation - he does have a birth mom, he will want to know about her, he will feel abandoned by her, and I will feel my heart dropping to the floor when he asks about her. I really thought I would be fine when he asked, I didn't expect it to be so soon, but I have thought about this exact situation and how I would handle it, and in my head it went perfectly. I could use some prayer as I am trying to process this. As my heart hurts, it is taking my brain on a roller coaster ride with thoughts and feelings that are not true, but feel very real. As I try not to let my feelings and emotions impact my role as a wife and a mom. I know this is not TJ's fault, and he by no means deserves a lesser mom, he needs a mom who will step up and help and allow him to sort out his feelings, and that is exactly what I am trying to be. To not put my insecurities and feelings on him, because they are mine to deal with and not his, and he should not have to feel bad or guilty for asking questions about the truth of his life. I know what I need to be, and am trying to be, I just need my feelings and my heart to step up and get to where the truth is. If that makes any sense at all.
On a more positive update, the kids have been doing very well, despite the last paragraph. Jessy is talking and talking, and the more she talks the more I fall in love with her. She is such a joy, and when I look at her I just can't believe God choose me to be her mom. Shannon is doing great as well, she is learning so much and as TJ comes home from school, she wants to learn everything he did. With TJ starting school recently, it gives me a chance to spend more time with just the girls. It amazes me how young they start using their imagination, and the things that they can come up with. TJ has started basketball, which he is really enjoying. I cant wait to see his first game! They are all growing like crazy and changing everyday. I cant believe its almost been a year since we got them!
TJ's first basketball practice
LOVE his smile and eyes!
Jessy is looking so big!
Swinging her baby around. Its amazing how young girls
have the desire to be a mommy one day.
Discovering cute girly clothes, they LOVE to be dressed up!
My girls loving on each other!
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